Birthmothers Who Change Their Minds About Adoption

Probably the most intensely felt fear of adopters is that the birthmother will make an adoption plan—and then flip-flop and decide to raise the child herself.

Very few birthmothers change their minds about adoption after the baby is placed with a family. How do I know this? Because when I was researching a reference book several years ago (The Adoption Option Complete Handbook), I sent letters to hundreds of agencies and attorneys, and one of the questions I asked them was how many cases they had of an adoption falling through after placement.

Most had very few such cases. One agency said, “In 10 years, in 4 of 940 placements have children been returned to birthparents.” Another said, “Of approximately 700 placements, there have been approximately 10 such cases.”

Of the attorneys who responded to the question, I received such comments as “In over 1,000 adoptions, only 5 fall-throughs after the placement was made.” And “One out of approximately 45 cases.”

Of course, a birthmother may change her mind about adoption before placing the baby with you, such as right before or after the baby is born. This happens, and it's painful, but it's less agonizing than taking a baby home, getting attached to her, and then losing her.

Despite my research, you should ask each adoption arranger what their particular experience has been. Ask them what percent of birthmothers change their mind before the placement occurs and what percent change their mind afterward. This will help you gauge the risk that you face.

If Agency A says that 100 percent of their birthmothers go through with an adoption plan before placement, then you should probably be skeptical. Even the best arrangers have some birthmothers who change their minds. Conversely, if Agency B says only 10 percent proceed with the adoption, something is wrong—with their policy, procedures, or elsewhere. Too many women working with this agency are changing their minds. It's not your job to figure out what they're doing wrong. Move on.

Women who are in their second or third trimesters are less likely to change their minds about placing their baby for adoption because a woman still in her first trimester may be going through many emotional issues, may be under a lot of pressure from the birthfather and others, and the baby may not seem entirely “real” to her yet. Later, after she feels the baby kick and move around, she'll have a better sense of the reality of the situation. If she still is considering adoption then, that is a sign of potential commitment, although it's certainly no guarantee.

It's also true that a woman usually gives signals that she's ambivalent; for example, if she has no plan for her life after the birth, she is more likely to change her mind about the adoption. A good counselor should spot those clues.

Although it's impossible to accurately predict whether any particular woman will change her mind about placing her baby for adoption, researchers have studied birthmothers who changed their minds about adoption in the past and compiled the following list:

• The birthmother is under age 17.
• She has no immediate or future career/life plans.
• She lives in a big city.
• She was brought up by a single mom.
• She is nonreligious.
• She lives with the birthfather.
• Her mom disapproves of adoption.
• She lives with her parent(s).
• She is a high school dropout.
• Her mother or father has no education beyond high school.
• She (or her parents) are on welfare.
• She has friends who are single parenting and urging her to do the same.
• She has a very difficult delivery of her child.

You might think that some of these factors would lead the birthmother toward adoption rather than away from it. For example, a birthmother who is only age 15 is not in a good emotional or financial position to raise a child. But in most cases, she has not achieved the maturity to realize this. Also, she might be strongly influenced by her peers, and if her friends are parenting babies, she might choose parenting, too. (If she has friends who've placed their babies for adoption and are comfortable about that choice, that's a positive sign for you.)

Conversely, a 20-year-old woman is more mature and might decide that adoption is the best course for her child. She is less likely to be influenced by others.

Education appears tied to the decision to place for adoption; the less educated the birthmother is, the more likely she will choose parenting over adoption. This maybe because if a woman has no career goals (which is more likely with less-educated women), she may see parenting as a default choice. By “career goal,” I don't mean the birthmother must be an aspiring brain surgeon. Wanting to be an X-ray technician or a hair stylist are career goals, too.

It's not clear why a woman would change her mind after a difficult delivery. Perhaps the birthmother has become worried about and attached to the child. Perhaps she fears she won't have more children in the future. Other factors are easier to understand. A woman who was raised by two parents is more likely to believe that her child should have two parents, but a woman raised by a single mom is more likely to think single parenting is okay. Also, if the pregnant woman is already on public assistance, she might not see a problem with single parenting; whereas, if the birthmother is very opposed to going on welfare, as many are, she might see adoption as a better choice.

A woman who is religious might believe that God has called her to place her baby for adoption, and she might also see adoption as a means to atone for having a baby when unmarried. (Some people think nonmarital childbearing is a sin.)

What to Do If It Happens to You

If she's going to change her mind, when does it happen and what should you do if she does?

During early pregnancy and even through the second trimester, the pregnancy may seem unreal to a pregnant woman, especially if she is in a crisis situation. (This is one reason why some adoption arrangers don't like to work with women in their first trimester. She has too many psychological issues to work through before she can decide for or against adoption.) Do not count heavily on adopting the baby of a woman who is only two months pregnant.

When birthmothers who have truly committed to adoption do change their minds, it's usually either close to the birth or just after childbirth. Sometimes the imminence of birth makes the birthmother realize that she wants to parent the child. In other cases, the birth itself has an impact. She may experience a change of heart after seeing the child. Or she may be affected by others, such as the birthfather or her relatives, who want the child to stay with the biological family. Very few women decide months after a child is born and with an adoptive family that they want the child back from the adoptive family—although it can happen.

If an adoption falls through because a birthmother changes her mind about the adoption before the baby is placed with you, it hurts, and it hurts bad, even when you never saw the baby. It was already your baby, in your mind. I have heard from adopters whose adoption fell through that they would “never ever” think about adopting a child again. It was too painful, too scary, too hard. Clearly, they needed time to grieve. Do you know what happened later? After a few months, they decided to try again, and they ultimately did adopt a child.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption © 2004 by Christine Adamec. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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