Help Your Kids Control Their Aggressive Tendencies

Here is a short refresher for adults on how to help kids manage their impulses:

• Avoid feeding the wish to be "the most special always" by overpraising, especially small accomplishments. A simple "Thanks for not interrupting when I was on the phone. I appreciate it," will enforce esteem in exchange for self-control.
• Keep an eye on your rhythm of compliments and criticism. Three to one is a good balance for almost all ages.
• Endeavor to eliminate "always" and "never" from your disciplinary dialogue. It only makes you seem extremist and inattentive and has a deadening effect on the acoustic nerve, both yours an your child's. No one listens, so nothing is learned.
• Let consequences speak the loudest, because they are the most efficient teacher.
• Don't let your kids bad mouth or attack you without dealing with it. It can scare the daylights out of them to think their impulses are so monstrous that it is all right to wound you. I suggest something to the tune of a firm but moderate-volumed, "Look, angry is OK, but bad mouthing me isn't."
• After setting limits for your child, be it time-out, grounding, or removal of privileges, re-establish closeness (minutes to days, depending on the infraction), with or without discussion of the offending impulse. Personally, I think it works better for the parent to say less and give the child more room to learn. Reflect carefully on your impulses to apologize, because it usually masquerades for your desire to be close again. But it can erode the very help you were trying to give your child.

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