When Your Aging Parent Moves into Your Home

As members of the sandwich generation, it's quite likely that many of us will at some point find ourselves caring for aging parents.

The level of care-giving will vary from person to person. Some of us will only need to lend a hand with yard work, writing checks, or driving to doctors' appointments, while others will assume much greater responsibility for a parent's care. Some of us will invite aging parents to move into our homes with us.

Deciding If You Can Do It

Wanting to help out Dad by having him move in with you is a loving and giving gesture. It also could be a huge mistake for you, your parent, and your entire family.

The desire to help a parent who can no longer cope on his or her own can be powerful. After all, Dad always took care of you, right? Now it's your turn. If you and Dad haven't gotten along since you were a kid, however, chances are that it's not going to happen now. And moving into your house could just be a recipe for disaster.

If you're thinking about moving an aging parent into your home, there are some things you'll need to consider. Keep in mind that, unless you live alone, your decision will affect your entire family. It's not one to be made lightly. For example, consider the following:

• Space limitations. Think carefully about how much space you have in your home. Shared living tends to work best in large homes, or those with separate bedroom and bathroom facilities. Will a family member have to give up a bedroom to accommodate Dad? Will you need to install grab bars beside the toilet and in the tub of the family bathroom? If your space is very limited, but you're determined to have Dad move in, consider renovating a basement or attic to create more space, or putting on a small addition.

• Practical matters. Other than space, what other limitations might your home have for an aging parent? Perhaps the hallways aren't wide enough to accommodate Dad's wheelchair, or there are more steps than he's able to handle.

• Family dynamics. Maybe you and Dad have always been best pals and have never spoken a word to each other in anger. If your husband can't stand to be around your father, however, you're asking for serious trouble if you insist on moving dear old Dad in. Moving your parent into your home will affect not only you, but your entire family. Will your kids still feel free to invite their friends over to hang out, or will they be afraid of disturbing Granddad? And how will Granddad react to their music and late-night entries? Never move an aging parent into your home at the risk of jeopardizing your relationships with your own family members.

• Amount of care. If Dad can dress, bathe, feed, and generally care for himself when he moves in with you, you'll have a much easier time of it than if he's unable to cope with these tasks of daily living. Think about how much time and energy you really have to care for an elderly parent in your home. If you work, will you be able to manage care-giving in addition to your job? Could you arrange for someone to come in and help Dad while you're at work? Will Dad be alone all day and bored silly?

These are only a few issues you'll need to address before deciding whether or not having Dad move in is the right thing to do. Call a family meeting and let everyone have his or her say before making a decision.

Financial Implications

Having an elderly parent move into your home bears some similarities to bringing a baby home from the hospital. No matter how you look at it, it's going to mean extra work and responsibilities. And it's going to cost money.

Chances are, before Mom moves in, you'll need to make at least some minor adjustments to your house. Perhaps you'll need to install handrails on stairways that don't have any, or remove slippery carpet from the steps. You may have to install a ramp to accommodate Mom's wheelchair, or replace a small shower with a larger one in which there's room for Mom to sit down.

These kinds of changes to your home probably won't put you on the road to bankruptcy, but what happens if you need to renovate an attic or basement, or put on an addition in order to make your house livable with an extra person?

If you're going to spend a lot of money to make your house suitable for Mom, and she's got the means to help, you may ask her to pitch in to help pay for the renovations. If she doesn't have the money to do so, however, you'll need to carefully assess your financial situation and determine whether or not it makes sense to spend big bucks.

Handling It Emotionally

As difficult as the financial and practical aspects of having an aging parent move into your home may be, the emotional matters are likely to be even harder.

Watching a parent who once was strong and vibrant struggle to just walk down the hallway or get up from a chair is extremely difficult.

Dealing every day with someone who might be cranky and miserable is draining and wearing. You should realize that care-giving is difficult, and by having your parent move into your home, you may be stepping into an always-on-duty type of situation.

If you decide to invite Mom to move in with you, be sure you have backup. Ask siblings to help out, either by taking Mom to their homes sometimes, or by staying with her at your house to give you a break. If you don't have siblings or other close family members, contact your local Area Agency on Aging (check the Blue Pages of your phone book) for referrals to individuals or agencies that provide respite care.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Personal Finance in Your 40s and 50s © 2002 by Sarah Young Fisher and Susan Shelly. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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