Bedtime Rituals

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Sleep: The Brazelton Way

Rare is the child who wants to give up and go to sleep—either at nap or at nighttime. The more tired he is, the more disorganized he is likely to be and the harder he will fight to stay awake. Hence, it is up to parents to set up a soothing bedtime ritual to help soften the blow. Parents can choose rituals that help the child make the difficult transition from activity and excitement to a quiet, restful state in which he can develop his own pattern for going to sleep.

As early as 4 months of age, begin a routine of calming a baby into a quiet state, then put him down while he's still awake. This way he can learn how to put himself to sleep. He will then be prepared, when he briefly wakens, to get himself back down to sleep. Otherwise, he will continue to need your help when he wakes up—at least two times in an 8-hour sleep, and three times in a 12-hour sleep. Getting himself back down to sleep is his learned ritual, necessary for his sleep, and for his parents' sleep. By 4 months, he is ready physically to go without a feeding for 6-8 hours. By 4 months, his brain has matured enough to be ready for his own role in learning to sleep. Helping a child learn to put himself to sleep does not mean that parents should allow the infant to "cry it out." But if he is dry and physically well, you don't need to take him out of the crib. Instead, sit beside him, pat him soothingly, and croon softly, "You can go to sleep! You can do it! You can do it yourself!" Watch for his body and breathing to begin to relax. Then, do less, so that he can learn to settle himself.

From about 9 months on, children are old enough to remember that you'd been there and to notice that now you're gone, so they may need a parent to stay in the room. Get yourself a comfortable chair—you may be there for awhile. But over time as you pat and croon less, you can move your chair farther and farther from the crib. As you gradually decrease your role in your child's sleep, he will learn to put himself to sleep.

As a child gets older, preparing for the transition to sleep begins in the early evening, after supper. No more rough-housing or wild play. (This can be hard for working parents who want their chance to play!) No TV or videos before bedtime. The house is quiet now. Your child will know bedtime is coming. Watch for signs that he is beginning to tire. Start your bedtime routines before he is too worn out.

A routine for each transition can be a wonderful time for communication with your baby. Gather him up to nurse him or to give him a bottle—to be finished before you put him down. Look out the window together and say goodnight to the darkening sky. Or carry him to his bedroom, quietly saying goodnight with him to the pictures on the wall. In a rocking chair next to his bed, rock and sing softly. Read him a beloved book. (I have read Goodnight Moon and Cat in the Hat several thousand times.)

Bedtime rituals can also be a time for passing along family rituals. As you put your child to sleep, you are bound to remember how your parents or grandparents tucked you in. Share the lullabies and stories you remember from your childhood with your child. If you don't remember them (or if you don't have positive bedtime memories), this may be an important time for you to dig up the traditional bedtime songs and stories of your culture.

Give your child a lovey—a thumb or his fingers, a soft bit of a blanket, a doll or stuffed animal, even a small part of a shirt or blouse that you are ready to part with. (Any object in the crib must be too large to swallow, but too small to cause strangulation or suffocation.) Infants under 6 months of age are more likely to use their fingers, thumbs, and hands to comfort themselves, so you may have to wait until your child is older before he really takes interest in a lovey. Teach him how to cuddle his favorite blanket or stuffed animal as a substitute for you in this transition. At the point when he is quiet and drowsy, transfer him gently to his own sleeping spot. Pat him rhythmically and gently until he subsides with his lovey. Let him learn his own pattern for getting into deep sleep.

As children get older, the ritual is tested. "I need to go to the toilet again! Just one more book! I'm scared—don't leave me!" Every possible test of limits will be used. Sometimes, the variety and number of tests show great creativity and determination. It is up to the parent to set limits on these demands. Limits are comforting, not hurtful. Warn him, "Two more stories and then we're through." Or, "One trip to the potty and one glass of water and that's it." Stick to it, though it may be very hard for you—especially if you've been away all day at work, or if you feel lonely yourself. Cuddling with him has been so delicious!

Excerpted from Sleep: The Brazelton Way © 2003 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

To order this book click here or call 1-800-253-6476.