Co-Sleeping: The Family Bed

Co-sleeping

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Sleep: The Brazelton Way

For centuries, in families around the world, parents have shared beds with children. Until recently, there has been a cultural taboo in this country that made many parents feel as if it were forbidden. "You might roll over on him." As they grow older, some worry, infants might witness parents' lovemaking. On the other hand, a mother who is in favor of co-sleeping suggested, "If a child who sleeps in your bed has his own room, just use his to have sex and then return to the family bed."

Co-sleeping is on the rise in the United States. Why? Three major changes have taken hold in our society: women at work, declining buying power (the cost of living has gone up much faster than wages) for most people who work, and solo parenting.

In most families both parents work, and most parents must work more hours now to make ends meet. We think that parents are turning to co-sleeping as an adaptation to these new pressures: For many, it seems to be the only way to have time together as a family. They long to be close to their baby after they have been away at work all day. When their infant rouses every 3-4 hours, mothers who breastfeed find co-sleeping less tiring and disruptive. Separation at night seems almost impossible to contemplate for many mothers.

Single parents are even more likely to feel guilty about being away all day, and to search for a way to be close to their children when they can. (They may be lonely, too.)

Sleep problems, also, are on the rise. This may be partly due to our noisier world and more pressure on children. But it is likely that many parents, as worn out as ever or more so, are also suffering because they haven't seen their child all day. When the child wakes up at night, many parents really aren't sure whether they want to put him back to bed or stay up and play with their child. A child is quick to pick up on a parent's uncertainty. Whatever the cause, many parents exhausted by an infant's nighttime awakenings will turn to the family bed.

By the second or third year, the child who sleeps with his family will have learned a kind of dependency on the parents' presence to help him get back down to sleep when he wakes at night. Then it will be far more difficult for him to learn to put himself to sleep, and to stay asleep through the light-deep sleep cycles.

Co-sleeping is easier and appealing for parents when the baby is little. At this point you don't need to worry about separating and pushing him to become independent. Meanwhile, the steps toward independence at night that we have outlined will soon have been missed. Then, he will be firmly entrenched in his parents' bed. Sleep is no longer his problem. His parents have become part of his sleep habits. He will not know how to get to sleep without them.

When the child is about 2 or 2 ½ years of age, one or both parents are likely to feel that it is time for him to become independent at night. They are tired of his constant motion, his kicking, his inability to go to bed without them. The parents blame each other: "You've made him too dependent." "Let him cry it out." They feel that the child should make the separation, and they may even be willing to let him sob his way to independence. But I would not recommend it; it is too hard on the child, and the parents. There is little that a child can learn from sobbing alone in the darkness for long periods—he has become too upset to begin the work of settling himself without a parent's help. Parents who find themselves in this position will need to make the transition step by step.

As you can see, you may not be able to teach a child to sleep independently in one night. If you let him cry it out, as some may recommend, he may finally give in, but at what cost!

Because of reports of deaths to children in adult beds, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association recommend that babies not be placed in adult beds. But the jury may be out until we know whether these deaths were actually caused by adult beds, or by other avoidable circumstances. We need an independent group to look into the questions raised by these tragic infant deaths. In the meantime, if you are concerned but want to have your baby with you in bed, see Safety in Sleep.

More on: Sleep and Your Little One