The Shame Game

by Dr. Kyle Pruett

Of all the emotions that kids learn to experience and use early in life, one of the least understood and the most powerful is the feeling of shame. Whether we are aware of it or not, parents start to use their children's feelings of shame or embarrassment as tools in managing their behavior. As parents we need to think about how it can be used more positively than negatively. This is for children two to twelve. Before two, shame doesn't really exist.

Dictionaries tell us shame is a painful emotion brought on by conscious guilt, disgrace or shortcoming. Parents might add their own disappointment to this list of causes. My oldest could always read my face when I caught her being a bit too mean to her little sister. Before I could utter a word, she would dissolve in tears and ask to be held. I still remember how surprised I was at the power of her three-year-old shame.

Role in discipline

Used in a measured and non-punishing way, shame has a role in discipline. It is part of normal emotional development, serving as an essential building block in the foundation of our conscience. It appears in the second year of life when a child first notices displeasure in the face of a parent or loved one in response to improper behavior (as judged by the adult). It is the withdrawal of the parent's emotional connection that is so startling to the child, and the emotional reaction to the disruption can be powerful indeed. The child's face registers the surprise, and, if the parent is so inclined, they make their point and reconnect with the child, healing this snag in the fabric of trust. But neither of them ever really forgets that things are different now. Parents need to teach their kids what is safe, what is dangerous, and what is right and wrong.

Over time, this whole scenario gets fine-tuned to a raised eyebrow, a change in the inflection of the voice, a firm grasp, a look. It eventually evolves to teaching acceptable social and moral behavior. The younger the child, the more essential the emotional reunion and "forgiveness." By school age, their increasing sophistication means that while shame still works, it can start to go both ways. They can also hurt us. When we let them down and they disapprove, they may choose a public place to shame or humiliate in return.

Don't overdo

One of the problems with shame is that it often works a little too well. In the hands of a usually loving but furious adult, shame can turn vindictive: The shrieked "How could you BE so careless!" "You NEVER listen to what you are told!" My mother recently had one of her second-graders show up with a stigmatizing haircut given by an obviously upset and frustrated mother who felt a little public shame was apparently in order. The former examples require some calming down and maybe an apology, the latter a borrowed baseball cap and some major repair work. When a parent trades mutual trust for humiliation, the shame game is out of control.

Rarely do we go too far, but it's worth thinking about these warning signs:

If a child increasingly seems to be denying responsibility or blaming his siblings, it may mean that the truth has gotten harder to tell a parent who is overdoing shame.
Children who seem more thin-skinned than usual when being reprimanded for even minor things may be telling you they feel over-blamed and over-criticized.
When older siblings use excess amounts of shame and humiliation to control their brothers or sisters, they may be mirroring an atmosphere of excessive shame and judgment.

We all make mistakes, but it's how we handle them that sticks with our kids. Tell your kids when they are rude to you that it hurts your feelings, that you are disappointed, and know that they know better. If you lose it and shower them with shame, ask them to give you a second chance (after you give yourself one), just as you would them and LET IT GO.

There is hardly anything as powerful in your parental quiver as your disappointment when your children mess up big time. But to use shame well, you must use it sparingly.