My Kid Did What?

by Carol Ott

You are driving your seventh grader home from after-school sports when the bomb drops. "Mom, you have to call Mrs. Russell."

This is definitely not good news. Mrs. Russell, Jimmy's homeroom teacher, has never initiated contact and the school year is more than half over.

"Why does she want me to call her?" you reply, trying to keep the tightness out of your voice and your attention focused on the rush-hour traffic.

"I dunno," comes the muffled reply, addressed to his seat belt. "I think I said something she didn't like."

You make the dreaded call and learn only that Mrs. Russell would like to see you "when it is convenient." The conference is set for the next morning, before class begins. The participants will be you, Jimmy, and Mrs. Russell.

A criminal in the making?

Despite several more attempts to find out from Jimmy exactly what he said, you arrive at school mystified. Apprehensive that he is headed for a life of crime, you shrink toward the designated meeting room.

After a few pleasant preliminaries, you finally learn about the behavior that sparked this meeting: At the close of homeroom yesterday, Mrs. Russell announced that any student who had more than one library book overdue would lose library privileges until these were returned. Upon hearing this pronouncement, Jimmy commented, "That sucks."

Culprits have feelings, too

As Jimmy looks remorsefully at his lap, you are relieved. At least it was only words. What does the situation look like to Jimmy as he hears his teacher review his behavior? And as a parent, how do you feel about it? Let's take a closer look.

Jimmy's blurting out "that sucks!" is a spontaneous reaction to a policy he obviously doesn't like. (Further exploration determined that he had three overdue books and was worried he wouldn't be able to use the library.) His negative reaction was prompted by anxiety and fear. However, it was the language he used that caused concern for Mrs. Russell.

Language is not static

The expression "that sucks" is one that Jimmy hears on television sitcoms and on the playground. He uses it when a referee calls a teammate out on a close call, or when a teacher assigns what he views as too much homework. He has heard his father use it when the Cowboys fumble. To Jimmy, "that sucks" means something is unfair. If Jimmy had been born a generation earlier, he might say "that stinks" or "phooey."

For Mrs. Russell, the expression is unacceptable; she assigns meaning to the phrase that would not occur to Jimmy. Language is not static. Nuance and meaning change over time. The word "gay," for example, meant happy and lively a generation ago; today, it refers to sexual orientation.

Jimmy is unaware that the word "sucks" has other connotations. But his teacher takes seriously her responsibility for creating a respectful and suitable environment in her classroom.

Clearing the air

Mrs. Russell explained that words that may be o.k. when used between friends or at recess are not acceptable in a classroom setting. Even within the family, she added, it may be acceptable to use certain expressions that don't belong in school. She said that even she used language sometimes that she wouldn't use in front of Jimmy, because -- as a teacher -- she needs to be a good role model. When she asked Jimmy to think about other words he wouldn't use in class and saw him blush, she realized he understood what she meant.

As you listen to this wise teacher, you realize the difficulty of her job. Jimmy has certainly heard his father say "that sucks." If it is o.k. at home, why should it be a problem at school?

Another perspective

Mrs. Russell's empathic approach gives his mother an idea for helping both of them.

"Jimmy," she says. "Remember when we went to dinner at that fancy restaurant with grandma and grandpa and asked you to put on pants and a jacket? Do you know why?"

"Because everyone in the restaurant dresses up and I would feel funny in cutoffs. And it would maybe embarrass grandma and grandpa."

"Exactly. We dress differently depending on where we are going, and we also choose language to fit different situations. Dad would never talk to his boss the way he talks to the t.v. set. Well, it's the same for you in school."

Ongoing dialogue

The conference is over, but the communication will be ongoing. You intend to discuss the "language thing" at home. The slippery distinctions among words that are blatantly obscene, sexually explicit, or merely inappropriate require ongoing dialogue. If adults do not intrude on this process, how are kids to know that the language featured on rap songs and heard in movies made for teen audiences is sometimes not appropriate at home, or school, or at inter-generational family gatherings? Our kids are besieged by language from a variety of sources that may be unfamiliar to us. They cannot manage the subtlety required for language appropriateness. Fortunately, we have teachers and parents who can help.