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The Active/Aggressive Child: Parenting Strategies

Parenting Patterns to Avoid with the Active/Aggressive Child
Lack of nurturing can lead to aggressive behavior in any child - whether or not he is sensation-seeking. The active, sensation-seeking child simply has a greater likelihood of such a pattern. Other children who are deprived of love are more likely to show their trauma in other ways, such as apathy and withdrawal or self-destructive behavior. Some parenting patterns inadvertently support aggressive behavior in more subtle ways. Certain parents who are warm and caring may have a lot of difficulty setting appropriate limits. They may also be confused by their child's active, sensation-seeking manner, and find it difficult to teach their child how to communicate his intentions and feelings.

We have found that youngsters who have good control over their aggression, whether it is at school, at the daycare center, or at home, tend to have lots of little interactions with adults in which they receive nonverbal messages about limits. Normally, when a child is becoming mischievous or aggressive, there is plenty of warning - a twinkle in his eyes, a devilish look, a grimace, a scowl, a clenching of the fist, a stamping of the foot. A parent looks back with a warning look in his or her eyes or may even say, "No, you can't do that." The child backs off or, at least, gives the parent some indication of what is to come. But, in some families, there are no such warnings. When the child and parents begin to get frustrated and angry, neither the child nor the parents show it at first. They are expressionless, poker-faced, their bodies stiff. For example, a child is playing nicely, talking, and pushing his car around the kitchen floor when, suddenly, he pinches his mother in the leg. Parent and child suddenly explode, screaming and hitting. There have been no nonverbal "cues" and warnings exchanged between parent and child. Instead, they both leap right to physical actions. Even a child who isn't generally overly active and sensation-seeking can have problems with aggression when nonverbal interaction is lacking.

Another common mistake that many parents make with a child who is active, assertive, and quick to anger is to vacillate between being "nice guys" and then exploding in rage, before swinging back to being "nice guys" again. Parents, of course, like to be nice guys. They don't like to get angry. So they may say in a calm tone, "Oh, come on, Maurice, please don't touch that plug! I don't think you're listening to me, Maurice. Please listen to me. . . ." Meanwhile, the child just smiles and continues reaching for the plug. Reluctant to get angry, the parent may continue pleading with the child in the same tone of voice until, utterly frustrated, she blows up, frightening the child, who wasn't prepared for his parent's explosive anger. Then the parent feels guilty for the out-of-control rage and tries to make it up to the child by overindulging him. The child experiences an unpredictable, chaotic environment - first nice-nice, then out of control, and then nice-nice again.

A child who can't understand nonverbal communication because of a lack of practice with his parents (or because of difficulties with processing what he hears or sees) gets confused and misreads situations. When the teacher looks serious, the child may think the teacher is fooling around and react by keeping up his provocative behavior. Or, conversely, when the teacher looks a little annoyed, he may be frightened that the teacher is furious and may seek to defend himself by lashing out. Wrestling with a friend, he might not understand when the friend tells him he wants to stop and keeps wrestling. Or when another child approaches to offer him some candy, he may throw a punch because he mistakenly thinks she is trying to take something from him.

The trouble can mount as the child reaches the stage when he is supposed to begin learning emotional ideas. Having been discouraged from developing a vocabulary of gestures to communicate emotional needs, he will have even greater difficulty expressing needs with words and symbols. Teachers and parents of an active/aggressive child are often so busy setting limits that they forget to give the child extra practice in using ideas instead of actions.

Parents who don't encourage pretend play (which fosters the development of emotional ideas), or who don't support emotional ideas when it comes to coping with aggression, only compound the challenges. The child doesn't progress beyond the physical and behavioral manifestations of aggression and learn to elevate his feelings to the level of ideas, in the form of make-believe play and narrative. The child doesn't learn how to construct an internal dialogue that connects his emotions and his language. He never acquires the ability to picture his feelings and is thereby unable to fully contemplate his actions in advance.

Some parents, because of their own upbringing, may equate thought and action. "If I think it, I will do it." They, therefore, believe that it's best not to have any aggression emerge in either pretend play or verbal description. When the good soldier starts shooting the bad guy, the parent may respond with "Don't do that," or try to change the scene to one of nurturing: "Hey, let's make those soldiers become good friends and like each other!" While our desire to have our children think only nice and loving thoughts is understandable, we need to be more aware that all of us, by the very fact that we are human, experience the full range of feelings - assertiveness and anger as well as love and warmth.

We, as parents, have a choice. We can continue to let the child express anger at the level of behavior. But then the child can only either act out the anger or anxiously try to inhibit it. Alternatively, we can help our child to elevate anger and other feelings to the world of ideas and let him bring the feeling into pretend play (with soldiers fighting, for example) and into his words ("Mommy, I'm mad!"). Eventually the ideas will be accessible to his reasoning ("Boy, am I mad. I'm gonna talk to Mom about why I'm mad"). When a child learns to picture and verbalize his feelings, he has the opportunity to reason and make intelligent choices. If we don't help our children learn to raise their feelings to this level because we are worried that saying "it" will mean doing "it," we actually increase the likelihood that our child will act out rather than talk out his feelings. Helping a youngster through this transition can be exceptionally challenging for parents who were brought up to believe that thinking and doing are the same. It means changing their own way of coping with feelings at the same time they are trying to help their son or daughter.

In addition to helping children use ideas, parents sometimes have difficulty fostering self-observation. Encouraging a reflective attitude toward emotions is also difficult for parents who are either too strict (they have lots of rigid rules) or parents who are too permissive (they simply give in on every front). When parents believe in a very concrete, law-and-order approach, and the notion of pausing, reasoning, or putting feelings into ideas has no meaning for them, they go head to head with a child who is already very intense. The resulting power struggles and conflict may only make the child more aggressive.

It's not unusual to have a punitive father and a permissive mother in the same family. But parents who are too strict and parents who are too permissive have something in common: neither one is fostering a truly reflective attitude. Neither one is helping the child observe his own behavior and try to understand it. For example, when the child insists on going outside when it's raining and icy, the strict parent may simply say, "Not now - and you'd better stop squawking." The permissive parent may simply say, "Well . . . yes, but put on your raincoat." The parent who is fostering a reflective attitude toward emotions will say something different. "What is your hurry? Why do you want to go out in the rain? Do you remember how slippery it was? And what are you going to do out there anyhow?" In the dialogue that ensues, the child is thinking about and discussing his wish rather than immediately giving in to it or inhibiting it. This reflective attitude becomes part of an ability that many adults cherish in themselves: the ability for self-observation - the ability to ponder what you are feeling and what you want to do and then analyze the consequences in advance.

Helpful Parenting Patterns
Because of his energy and exuberance, the active/aggressive child has enormous potential. But his parents need to learn how to harness the energy, urging him to direct it toward the nurturing and caring side of his personality, and helping him learn to be a more thoughtful problem solver. First of all, he needs extra security, warmth, and engagement. Second, he benefits from a lot of communication through gestures in general and then words. Third, he needs limit setting and a sense of structure. Fourth, extra practice in pretend play shows him how to use ideas rather than just actions. Finally, he needs to practice connecting his ideas together through give-and-take dialogue with caregivers during pretend play and even during heated debates. This enables him to learn how to label his feelings and take a reflective attitude, rather than act out.

The first stage of emotional development, when a child is learning to be calm and regulated and, at the same time, is interested and engaged in his environment, is a challenge for this child because he needs so much stimulation to feel alive. But you can work with him to give him the sensations he needs - while helping him to channel it and modulate it. At the same time, you can help him to find experiences that give him what he needs to feel organized. If he craves touch, you could encourage him to carry around a lump of Play-Doh to mold or some worry beads to finger. To give him the kinetic stimulation he craves, you may want to plan physical activities every half-hour or so - jumping or running games, for example. To help him learn to regulate his motor system, games that combine slow and fast movements work well. For instance, a "Simon Says" game with commands like "Simon says run fast!" "Simon says run slow!" "Simon says run medium fast!" and "Simon says run fast again!" is enjoyable and helpful for active youngsters. Also, games and interactions that involve fine motor activity as well as lots of running and jumping assist an energetic child to regulate his activity, motor sequencing, and concentration. You could, for example, come up with a game that combines running and jumping with threading beads onto a string and drawing circles and squares (perhaps all part of a treasure hunt or a Power Ranger game).

For the second stage of emotional development (learning to feel close to others), caregivers need to make an extra effort with an aggressive child to maintain the nurturing part of life. Children learn empathy through a warm, deep, joyful relationship. Since such an active child may be busy running around, you need to work harder to catch his attention, pull him in, and let him know that he is special. That can be done in many little ways. If you're talking to another child when he comes up to speak to you, put your hand on his shoulder so he knows you are aware of him. When you are busy on the telephone, pull him up on your lap and give him a hug while you're talking. When he is intruding between mom and dad, let him know he has to wait, but do it with an arm around his shoulder, so he feels your warm, loving presence while he is learning to be patient.

Give him floor time before you get involved in other activities. After he has had at least half an hour of floor time, where you followed his interests, he will be more able to empathize with your need to follow your interests. When he is excited and enthusiastic, hang in there an extra minute to respond to his words and happy expressions. When the two of you are talking, let him break off the communication, leaving you hanging, rather than breaking it off yourself to do something else while he is still trying to maintain his connection with you. Keep the especially joyful moments going. Put other things off.

What I am talking about here could be described as bringing a "floor time" approach to daily events. You will probably find that a hurried, overly controlled, rigid stance, or rejection or withdrawal, aren't very helpful with the active/aggressive child. He needs warmth, love, attention, and the comforting knowledge that you are present for him. This child also needs consistency in his care and love. If he is in daycare, for example, or if a caregiver comes into the home, he should ideally have the same caregiver for the first three or four years of his life.

As this child grows, he would ideally benefit from having the same teacher over a number of years, providing another source of emotional consistency in his life. Alternatively, mentors who, over time, are a constant part of his life and can work with him on a day-to-day basis on one skill or another provide yet another opportunity for supportive relationships.

Almost all our clinical experience and studies of children with aggressive or antisocial tendencies point in one direction: the most important ingredients for raising such a child are nurturing relationships from which he can learn caring, empathy, and respect. Loving support from his family and consistency of babysitters, daycare, teachers, and mentors give this child opportunities at each stage of development to form and sustain special relationships over a period long enough to allow him to develop a sense of compassion and security.

When it comes to two-way communication, it's especially important for a child with a tendency toward aggression to learn how to read the body language and facial expressions of others. To help him do this, because the active and aggressive child may also be inattentive, you need to be quite lively. Gesture animatedly (act almost like a mime) and make your voice very clear. He may also need a lot of practice in opening and closing circles of communication.

For example, when trying to get an active/aggressive boy to dinner, you say to him, "Evan, we need to sit down. We're getting ready to eat." Evan ignores you and continues playing. Refrain from grabbing him and saying "Sit here!" - that doesn't help him learn to read your gestures and your voice tone. You could perhaps say instead, "Evan, Evan, don't you hear me?" First, you need to get his attention, then you need to get him engaged emotionally with you. You might talk about what's for dinner, mentioning some of his favorite foods. Then, to get him interacting with you so you can convey your real message, you may pretend to be hiding something in your hand that he might find fun to eat. You might put your closed hands in front of you and say jokingly, "Bet you can't guess what I have in here." Or perhaps you could ask him to guess which hand has something in it. Now you have him attentive, engaged, and interacting with you. There is a much stronger likelihood that he will understand your request to sit at the table for dinner if all three systems (his attention, emotions, and ability to interact) are engaged. You can continue the "flirtation" a little longer, if you want, and let him know he can discover what is hidden in your hand by coming and sitting at the dinner table. This way, you have embedded your message into a playful dialogue that operates on a number of levels at once.

The key point is to recognize that your child communicates with you at different level - attending, engaging, and interacting. To engage a child who is prone to using aggression to express himself, it is best to work your way up the developmental ladder. Getting his attention comes first; engaging him comes second; interacting with him and then giving him your message come third.

Voice tone is an essential signal in helping the active/aggressive child inhibit his behavior. Children understand your meaning by perceiving the tone of your voice. They also notice your facial expressions. Sometimes you'll need to go "up the scale" of emphasis, starting with a soft voice and reassuring facial expressions. If you don't get a response with a low-key approach, you can slowly increase your intensity until you have the voice tone, expression, and body posture of an army sergeant getting the cooperation of his unruly recruits. Always gradually work your way up the scale of emphasis, even with a child who seems only to respond to the "sergeant" level. This gives your child a chance each time to respond to the gentler tone.

To help him learn to develop emotional ideas, which give him the capacity to put his feelings into words and ideas instead of straight into action (hitting and shoving), an active/aggressive child will benefit from extra practice with the concept of word over deed, idea over act. That is, you want to help him learn to label and anticipate his feelings and think about them, rather than immediately acting them out. Give him extra help in being aware of his wishes and intentions.

Helping an active child foster a reflective attitude can be done very subtly. When your child seems ready to move into action (he has to go out on his bike or he has to have that toy right now) don't fall into the trap of giving a concrete yes or no answer. Neither yes nor no helps your child pause and reflect. The yes merely lets him get what he wants right away. The no simply inhibits him or leads to a tantrum. "What's the hurry?" in contrast, helps him reflect and ponder. Even if he just hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "I gotta go outside right away!" or "I gotta have that right now!" and then tries to grab it, you still have a victory. You have helped him think things over for five seconds. That is five times better than a one-second statement on his part and a shift into action.

Over time, you can ask the impatient child not only "What's the hurry?" but also "Where do you want to go on your bike?" and "What do you want to do there?" in a curious, not critical, tone of voice. You may even talk about all the things that sound like fun on his way somewhere or what game will be the most fun to play with the toy. Through these discussions, you help him to develop a capacity to reflect on his wish - what makes it fun, what makes it exciting - rather than putting the desire directly into action.

Eventually, this practice will help your child to consider his aggression and anger. Sooner or later, he will be able to ask himself questions like "Why am I so angry?" and "What will happen if I push Jamie off the slide?" A healthy adult certainly feels anger, but he is generally able to use his own fantasies and thoughts ("Boy, I'd like to tell her off!") to let himself know what he is feeling and then, strategically and rationally, decide what actions would be most appropriate. Such thinking enables children and adults to be aware of their feelings, provides them with an outlet through thoughts and fantasies, and helps them to select behavior that is in the long-term interest of themselves and others.

Pretend play is also invaluable. Through pretending, youngsters learn to express feelings verbally and use ideas, rather than just relying on angry behavior. For example, many opportunities arise during make-believe to help a child describe his feelings or the feelings of the characters in his drama.

As you can see, family tendencies can play a crucial role in helping the sensation-seeking, potentially aggressive child. If the family can support warm, trusting relationships, communication, and the concept of ideas over actions, our aggressively inclined child can become an energetic, enthusiastic, creative contributor to society. On the other hand, if the family doesn't furnish such a child with trusting relationships and employs fragmented, intrusive, neglectful, or abusive interactions, and if they either directly or by default support acting out (rather than talking out) feelings, the risk of dangerously aggressive behavior rises.

Helping the Severely Antisocial Child
With children who are in danger of crossing the line and getting into trouble with the law, society needs to step in. A successful preventive effort needs to be built around the same philosophy described earlier, which emphasizes personal relationships and nurturing patterns of care. Such an approach might begin with initiatives that help the most vulnerable parents become better caregivers to their kids - a tall order, certainly. But results of a fifteen-year study by the Syracuse University Family Development Research Program are promising. In the low-income families visited by child development trainers every week for five years to work on individualized parenting skills, only 6 percent of the children in the study group went on to have probation records as opposed to 22 percent of the control group. Pediatricians and other health care providers need to be as aware of the emotional state of the infants, children, and families as they are of physical well-being. While the American Academy of Pediatrics has recognized the importance of a child's psychological development in the guidelines it prepares for health care professionals, focusing on the details of the emotional lives of children during routine health care is still an unmet goal.

As I discussed earlier, we also need to increase the continuity of relationships between adult caregivers and children. This is especially true when the children are at risk. For example, daycare administrators should consider letting staff stay with the same children throughout their infancy and early childhood, instead of changing each year for efficiency. Under ideal circumstances, the same schoolteacher might work with an at-risk child for all seven grade-school years, to form a relationship that the child might never get at home.

If a severely aggressive child requires foster care because of his family circumstances, special training and incentives should be made available to the foster parents so they will remain his caregivers throughout his entire childhood, unless, of course, he can return to his biological family. And if he requires repeated foster care placements because of an unstable family situation, ideally he should return to the same foster parents each time. With support and training, his foster parents can learn to work with him successfully.

Creating a mentor relationship with a child from this background can make an enormous difference in his life. Studies of families found that a key factor in the children who survived deprived or abusive backgrounds is a nurturing, supportive relationship - sometimes with a family friend or relative, or a mentor in an intervention program. We also need to create programs for children at critical points in childhood and adolescence - for instance, once a pattern of absenteeism from school is established or after the first criminal offense - that foster relationships with mentors. Many years ago, a Newton, Massachusetts, program run by Milton Shore and Joseph Massimo worked with young delinquents immediately after they dropped out of high school. The program significantly reduced the incidents of criminal incarceration and mental health difficulties. In follow-up studies twenty years after the program ended, 80 percent of the group that did not have mentors were in the criminal justice or mental health system, while 80 percent of the group that had mentors were doing well in terms of work, family, and general well-being.

The main point is that, at any age, children can be helped. But the key ingredient is a relationship that can be used as a vehicle for shifting these children's values and rebuilding the emotional milestones they may have missed.