Behavior Makeover: Anger
I'm really starting to worry about my eleven year old. He's a great kid with a good heart, but has such a temper! Whenever he's upset, he kicks and punches anyone or anything in sight. I've tried withholding privileges, giving lectures, and even spanking him, but nothing's working. He starts middle school soon, and I'm afraid he's going to be the class terror or expelled.– Kamil, a mom of four from Las Vegas, Nevada
"I'm really worried about him. He gets himself so worked up when he's mad."
"I'm afraid he's going to get in serious trouble: he lashes out so quickly when he's angry."
"If she could just tell the other kids she's upset, but she scratches and pinches instead."
Clenched teeth. Rapid breathing. Red face. Teaching kids a new way to cope with their intense feelings is not easy, especially if they have practiced only aggressive ways of dealing with their frustrations. The good news is that although violence is learned, so is calmness. Learning any new habit takes time, especially expressing anger more constructively, so don't give up! If you're consistent, you'll be able to help your kid learn a healthier way to handle anger. You may also be able to help him discover the source of his anger.
Four Steps to Squelch Inappropriate Anger
Here are four steps to guide you in squelching inappropriate anger in your kid and teaching him healthier ways to express it.
Step 1. Identify Anger Warning Signs
Explain to your child that we all have our own little signs that warn us we're getting angry and that we should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tell her she's starting to get upset – for example, "It looks like you're tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?" Anger escalates very quickly; if a kid waits until he is in meltdown to get himself back into control, he's too late – and so are you to try and help him.
Step 2. Recognize Potential Anger Triggers
Every kid has certain cues that trigger deeper frustrations and unresolved conflicts that may resort in angry outbursts. For example, your child may feel unappreciated in your family or inadequate in a competitive classroom environment, or may suffer from low self-esteem. The key is to identify what causes the anger in your kid and help him be aware of it when it occurs.
Step 3. Develop a Feeling Vocabulary
Many kids display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting because they simply don't know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotion vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your kid develop one. Here are a few: angry, upset, mad, frustrated, agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off, irate. When your child is angry, use the words so that he can apply them to real life: "Looks like you're really angry. Want to talk about it?" "You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?"
Step 4. Teach Healthy Anger Management Skills
If you want your kid to handle anger more appropriately, then you must teach her a new behavior to substitute for the inappropriate one she now uses:
- Use self-talk. Teach him an affirmation: a simple, positive message he says to himself in stressful situations – for example: "Stop and calm down," "Stay in control," "I can handle this."
- Tear anger away. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper, then tear it into little pieces and "throw the anger away." He can also use the concept by imagining that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.
- Teach abdominal breath control. Teach the method with your child sitting in a comfortable position, her back straight and pressed into a chair for support. Show her how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts, then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation.
- Teach "1 + 3 + 10." Explain the formula: "As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you're losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: 'Be calm.' That's 1. Now take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That's 3. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That's 10. Put them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and that helps you calm down and get back in control."
Although you've taught your child alternative strategies to handle strong emotions, old behaviors take time to replace. Meanwhile, you can't let your kid continue to display inappropriate anger. Explain that while it's okay to be angry, he must use words, not his fists, to tell how he feels.
Behavior Makeover Plan
Your behavior is a living textbook to your child, so the first place to start a behavior makeover is by reflecting on your own style of responding to anger. These questions might help: How did your parents handle anger? How do you typically deal with anger? Where did you learn that style? Does it work or not work for you? How well are you modeling anger management to your child? How about other members of your family? What lessons might your kid be learning from these actions? How do you typically respond to your child's anger? Is it effective? What would you like to change? Write your thoughts, and then make a plan for how you will change.
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your child's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan:
- Take a really close look at how well your child controls anger. How our kids act is often a symptom of deeper issues. Here are a few warning signs that mean a child needs a more intensive makeover in anger. How many of these behaviors describe your child?
Anger Warning Signs
- Unable to explain how she is feeling when she's upset
- Has frequent angry outbursts, even over minor issues
- Has trouble calming down when he is frustrated or angry
- Turns her anger into a tantrum (for example, by shouting, kicking, swearing, spitting)
- Has difficulty bouncing back from a frustrating situation
- Frequently fights or hits others
- Acts without thinking and many times behaves recklessly
- Is often sullen and silent and holds her feelings in
- Verbalizes, writes about, or draws pictures of violent or aggressive acts
- Watch your kid's anger outbursts closely over the next week. Consider tracking the frequency of incidents on a chart or a calendar or in a journal. It may help you tune into what may be provoking the outbursts. What, if anything, can you do to reduce them? Write down your thoughts.
- Reread Step One. Notice what physiological signs your child displays immediately before he displays anger. Jot down your observations, and then share them with your kid to help him recognize his warning signs.
- Review Step Two. What are the potential sources of your kid's anger? List them. Which ones can be eliminated? Which ones can be dealt with? Write down your strategy for helping your child deal with inevitable sources of anger.
- Review Step Three. Does your kid have an adequate emotional vocabulary to express his feelings? If not, plan ways to boost this kind of vocabulary.
- Review Step Four, and choose an anger management strategy to teach. List the days and times you plan to designate for practice times, and then continue reviewing the technique until your kid can use it without you.
- The unhealthy way your kid responds to anger must be replaced. Review Step Five. What consequences will you set to help extinguish his incorrect behavior?
Makeover Pledge
How will you use the five steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change in handling anger more constructively? On the following lines, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
Angry Kids: Understanding and Managing the Emotions That Control Them, by Richard L. Berry (New York: Fleming H. Revell Co., 2001). Discusses the root causes of anger in kids and explains ways parents can help them learn techniques for expressing and defusing that anger.
The Angry Child: Regaining Control When Your Child Is Out of Control, by Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin (New York: Clarkson Potter, 2001). Easy-to-follow strategies that help kids manage anger and help parents recognize signs of serious problems.
When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent's Guide, by Patrick McKay (New York: Fine Communications, 1996). A superb guide explaining how parents' anger affects kids and offers ways to regain control.
When I Feel Angry, by Cornelia Maude Spelman (Morton, Grove, Ill.: Albert Whitman & Co., 2000). A gentle book that puts an adorable bunny in a variety of situations that provoke anger. Instead of acting out, the bunny and her friends find constructive ways to deal with the anger. Ages 4 to 8.
Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book, by Jerry Wilde (Kansas City, Mo.: Landmark Productions, 1997). A book that speaks directly to kids and adolescents and provides clear guidelines to help them handle hot tempers more constructively.
Anger Management Workbook for Kids and Teens, by Anita Bohensky (New York: Growth Publications, 2001). Teaches effective coping behaviors to help stop the escalation of anger and resolve conflicts.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
