The Defiant Child

Babies and toddlers

Stubborn, negative, controlling - the defiant child somehow manages to turn even the simplest activity into a trial. His first reaction to virtually anything is negative: "I don't want to!" "I don't care!" "No!" "Do I have to?" He deals with his world in a very bossy way. In the 1940s, Rene Spitz, a pioneering observer of young children, suggested that a child's first "no" is an attempt to define himself - a way of establishing a boundary between himself and the rest of the world. Most children eventually move on to a more collaborative way of relating. But the defiant child seems to get stuck in the "no" stage. He seeks to define himself through what he won't do rather than what he will do.

"My child's first word was 'no,' " one exasperated mother of a defiant seven-year-old told me, "and that's all he's been saying ever since."

Parents most frequently notice this defiance and negativism around transitions. This child has enormous difficulty going from Point A to Point B. Getting out of bed in the morning, going to school, sitting down at the dinner table - all can become long, drawn-out battles. Even activities that the child likes - going to the swimming pool or to a birthday party, going out for ice cream, visiting a friend's house - can bring on the same dig-in-the-heels stubbornness. "Why do I have to?" the child may ask over and over again, even if he really wants to go. "I don't want to."

Alongside stubbornness and negativism, the defiant child has enormous energy and persistence. Many defiant children are also unusually clever, figuring out ways to defeat your most sophisticated arguments. They can also be extraordinarily well organized and methodical, as well as deliberate and purposeful. As such a child gets older, he may also be a "big-picture" person, able to see the forest and not just the trees, and to delve into realms of abstract thinking that can surprise parents, friends, and educators alike. The key challenge for parents and teachers is helping the defiant youngster use these various assets in a constructive way so that, as he gets older, he can use his talents for such pursuits as science, mathematics, philosophy, law, or any other field where persistence and organization are assets.

The Defiant Baby and Toddler
A defiant child's behavior can appear as early as the first year, often as soon as the child begins to learn intentional communication. He may whine, pout, and cry much of the time and reject any attempts by his parents to comfort him. Offered toys, food, or cuddling, he may squirm away or shake his head. "Nothing I do pleases him," parents of a defiant child often complain. As a toddler, this child takes the natural negativism that goes with this age to new heights. He will often seem to deliberately choose the activity that is opposite of what the parents want. For example, a mother tells eighteen-month-old Brittany, "It's dinnertime," and reaches down to pick her up. But, even though she is hungry, the toddler scrambles out of mother's reach. "No!" she shouts, grabbing her toy. "Look," says mother, holding out a carrot stick. "Mmm, your favorite!" But Brittany shakes her head. "No!" she says again.

Of course, every toddler is going to say his share of "No!" But most toddlers are often pleasant, joyful, and cooperative, while the defiant child seems to be mostly negative:

PARENT: Do you want to go outside?
CHILD: No!
PARENT: What if we played with your trucks?
CHILD: Don't want to!
PARENT: I know! Let's watch your Barney video.
CHILD: No! No stupid Barney!

Keep in mind that the negative patterns I am describing can appear at any age. Your child may not necessarily start out with these patterns. You may find that your child is cooperative in the first or second or even third year, but then begins to display these negative characteristics in later years.

This negative attitude can extend into all areas of life. The child may be a very picky eater, for example, refusing anything but peanut butter sandwiches and macaroni.

More on: Raising Good Kids