Behavior Makeover: Anxiety
I'm really worried about my daughter. She's only ten but already seems so stressed. Right before a test, she's an absolute basket case: she can't sleep, is anxious, and cries. I'm afraid to talk to her before her soccer games – she's so moody. I can't imagine how she's ever going to handle middle school at the rate she's going.
– Raoul, a dad from Kansas City, Missouri
Rapid breathing.
Fear of leaving home.
Pounding heart.
Sleeplessness.
Think stress is just for adults? Think again. Studies show that today's kids are feeling a lot more pressure than we think they are. Stress symptoms are showing up in kids as young as three years of age. Overscheduled days, competition, school, treadmill-paced lives, home problems, scary nightly news, and stressed-out parents are just a few contributors. One thing is certain: stress is part of life, and some kids actually do seem to thrive on it. The critical parenting question is this: Does the stress stimulate my child or paralyze her?
Four Steps To Reduce Anxiety
Use the following as a guide to minimizing your kid's anxiety.
Step 1. Identify Potential Anxiety Triggers
The first step to eliminating anxiety in your child is to see what is causing the pressure. Begin by listening to your kid's concerns and complaints. Don't minimize or dismiss any of her worries. Instead, listen quietly. Then spend a week evaluating your child's daily schedule of school, home, and extracurricular activities (sports, dance, church group, music). How much free time does your child have left?
Step 2. Eliminate Those Stressors That You Can
Cutting out just one thing in your child's weekly activity may make a tremendous difference in reducing her stress and anxiety. It could be an activity that you want but may not be a top priority for her.
Step 3. Deal with Stressors You Can't Eliminate
Some stressors are beyond your control. For example, even if you turn off the TV, you child will still hear about devastating world events. But you can help your kid cope with the realities of life by reassuring him that you and the other people in his life are doing their best to keep him safe.
Step 4. Teach Healthy Ways to Deal with Inevitable Anxiety
Anxiety is an inevitable part of life for us all, and kids can learn to use some of the techniques that we adults use to cope with pressure. Here are four anxiety-reducing techniques:
- Self-talk. Teach your child to say a statement inside her head to help her stay calm and handle the stress. Here are a few: "Chill out, calm down." "I can do this." "Stay calm and breathe slowly." "It's nothing I can't handle."
- Elevator breathing. This one works if your kid has ever ridden in an elevator. Tell him to close his eyes, slowly breath out three times, and then imagine he's in an elevator on the top of a very tall building. He presses the button for the first floor and watches the buttons for each level slowly light up as the elevator goes down. As the elevator descends, his stress fades away.
- Stress melting. Ask your kid to find the spot in his body where he feels the most tension – perhaps his neck, shoulder muscles, or jaw. He then closes his eyes, concentrates on the spot, tensing it up for three or four seconds, and then lets it go. Tell him to imagine the stress slowly melting away as he does so.
- Visualize a calm place. Ask your kid to think of a place he has been to where he feels peaceful – for instance, the beach, his bed, grandpa's backyard, a tree house. When anxiety kicks in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine that spot, while breathing slowly.
What kind of life have you created for your child? For instance, do you expect him to excel academically, athletically, artistically, or all the above? Do you expect him to have the most playing time on the field? Do you expect him to have the highest scores on standardized tests? Think how much pressure you're putting on your kid. Is it healthy? What can you do to lighten the pressure before it explodes? What will you do? Write a plan.
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.
- Watch your child a bit closer over the next few days for anxiety. Signs of overload can include a change in sleep patterns, refusal to eat, moodiness, recurring physical ailments, trouble concentrating, restlessness, social withdrawal, nail biting, acting out, aggression, regression to baby-like behavior, nausea, excessive whining, or crying. What signs concern you? List them.
- Notice what kinds of situations create the most anxiety for him. For instance, is it school violence in the next community, bullying, an upcoming test, world events? List them.
- What can you to reduce his anxiety? For example, if you determine there's a serious physical threat to his safety, should you move him to a different school? If test taking causes stress because she thinks she'll fail, talk to her teacher, hire a tutor, or help her study. Make an action plan, and then act on it.
- David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child, says one of the easiest ways to reduce stress is by cutting out just one extra activity. If overscheduling is producing stress, decide with your child which activity you will cut. When will you do it?
- Review Step Four, and decide which one you think will work best with your child. Then rehearse and practice the strategy with your child until she can remember to use the technique during a stressful time.
- Continue to keep a close watch on your child's stress level. If you don't see change, check with a trained professional.
How will you use the four steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your child achieve long-term change in reducing stress? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
Kidstress, by Georgia Witkin (New York: Viking, 1999). What causes kids' stress and practical ideas to alleviate it.
Stress and Your Child, by Bettie B. Youngs (New York: Fawcett, 1995). Stress management strategies for kids to use at home and school.
The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, by David Elkind (Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1981). Published over two decades ago, this classic is still pertinent today.
The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise (New York: Griffin Trade, 2001). The authors make a compelling argument against what they consider "hyperparenting" and the impact it has on kids.
Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers Can Relieve Anxiety in Children, by John S. Dacey and Lisa B. Fiore (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000). Proven ways to help kids handle stress and cope with difficulties more confidently.
Don't Pop Your Cork on Mondays: The Children's Anti-Stress Book, by Adolph J. Moser (Kansas City, Mo.: Landmark Editions, 1988). A wonderfully informative handbook that explores the causes and effects of stress and offers practical approaches for dealing with stress factors. Ages 7 to 12.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
