Behavior Makeover: Talking Back
Generally, our eight year old is kind-hearted and cooperative. Lately, he has become mouthy and defiant. He says those little smart comments that kids usually reserve for each other to my husband and me, like "You aren't my boss," "You are so stupid," and "You don't know anything." The talking back is driving us nuts! HELP!
– Nancy, a mother of two from Tulsa, Oklahoma
You politely say to your child, "Jane, I want you home by three." And your sweet little darling in a sassy tone retorts, "Yeah, right."
You calmly ask your kid, "Can you please take out the garbage?" And your prized offspring snarls, "Take it out yourself!"
Back talk and sass are on the rise, and these behaviors seem to bug every adult. The behavior usually starts at about five years of age. If you allow back talk to continue, negative results can spread like wildfire. Believe me, no teacher, coach, scout leader, or other child's parent appreciates a disrespectful kid. Luckily, disrespectful behaviors such as whining, back talk, and sassiness are some of the easiest inappropriate behaviors to get rid of.
Four Steps to Eliminate Back Talk
You can use the following four steps to guide you in squelching your kid's back talk and rudeness.
Step 1. Call Out the Back Talk on the Spot
Determine which behaviors you consider disrespectful so that your child is clear on what you expect. All kids slip every once in a while, but is there a disrespectful word, phrase, or body gesture your child is using fairly frequently? That's the behavior you can target. And whenever your child does display this behavior, name it on the spot. Here are a few examples of how other parents have done this. Notice how their message addresses only the disrespectful behavior and not the child's character:
"When I talk to you, you roll your eyes. It looks disrespectful, and you need to stop."
"Telling me to 'chill out' when I talk to you is unacceptable. You may not talk that way."
"You use a complaining voice whenever you want something. You need to use a more respectful tone."
Step 2. Refuse to Engage When Your Kid Talks Back
Studies in child development reveal that kids are much more likely to stop talking back if they see it's ineffective in getting attention. So stay neutral and don't respond. Don't sigh, shrug your shoulders, or look exasperated. Also do not coax, bribe, or scold; such tactics almost never work and will probably just escalate the behavior. If you must, look at something else or, if all else fails, go lock yourself in the bathroom. Just refuse to continue the conversation until your child stops talking back – and be sure to respond in this way every time. Usually when kids see you are not going to give in, they will stop. Here are a few examples:
"Stop. Telling me I don't know anything is disrespectful. We'll talk when you talk right."
"I don't listen to sass. If you want to talk to me, talk respectfully. I'll be in the other room."
"We'll talk when you can listen respectfully without rolling your eyes and smirking."
Step 3. If Back Talk Continues, Set a Consequence
Suppose that you've been clear with your expectations, yet the sass and back talk continue. Now it's time to set a consequence for the rudeness. Effective consequences are clear to the child, have a specific duration, relate directly to the disrespectful deed, and fit the kid. Once you set it, consistently enforce it, and don't back down! For repeat offenders, it's best to develop a written plan that is signed by all involved and readily accessible. One more thought: do consider letting your child participate in creating her own consequences; they often are much harsher than ones you'd set. Many moms have told me they've had success in eliminating back talk by having their child repeat a phrase more respectfully at least ten times. For example, "Yeah, right" would be repeated using the correct tone that says, "Yes, I will, Mom."
Step 4. Encourage Respectful Behavior
One of the simplest ways to increase the frequency of a behavior is to reinforce it when we see our child doing it right. Studies have shown, however, that the majority of the time we do the opposite: instead of catching our kids being respectful, we point out when they are acting incorrectly. So any time you see or hear your child practicing respectful behaviors, acknowledge them and express your pleasure. Here are a few examples:
"Danny, I like that respectful tone."
"Jenny, thank you for listening so politely when I was talking."
"That's a nice voice, Kelly. Good for you for remembering how to say your words right."
"I know that you were frustrated, Tyler, but you didn't swear that time. It's hard changing a bad habit, but you're really trying."
Behavior Makeover Plan
Start by asking yourself if you remember talking back to your parents or other authority figures as a kid. Did your siblings? What was your parents' response? Did it work? Now think about kids today. Reports say disrespectful, sassy kids who defy authority are on the rise. What might be causing the escalation? Where do kids learn to talk back?
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.
- Take a good look at your child's behavior and think about what especially bugs you. What are the types of disrespect, and when are they happening?
- Determine what happened right before this bad behavior that provoked the disrespect in the first place.
- Identify how you typically respond to your kid. Ask yourself why it isn't working.
- Reread the four steps to squelching talking back. If possible, discuss them with your partner or another parent.
- Recognize that in most cases, Steps One and Two are mandatory for behavior makeovers. If those steps eliminate your kid's back talk, then skip to Step Four. If not, try Step Three, and set consequences that are appropriate for your child.
How will you use the four steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
1-2-3-Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, by Thomas W. Phelan (Child Management, 1996). A simple, effective child management program conducted by instituting a system of counting and time-outs, delivered in a straightforward and unemotional manner.
Backtalk: Four Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids, by Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder (New York: Fireside, 1998). A commonsense guide to stopping disrespectful behavior.
Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking: Practical Solutions to the Most Common Preschool Behavior Problems, by Jerry Wychoff and Barbara Unell (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985). Nonviolent options for correcting the most common behavior problems for preschoolers, including tantrums, whining, negativity, back talk, and aggression.
Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (New York: HarperCollins, 1991). An excellent resource for parents of difficult kids with loads of practical advice for handling aggression, acting out, and tantrums.
Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries, by Robert J. MacKenzie (Roseville, Calif.: Prima Publishing, 2001). If your kid constantly misbehaves and ignores your requests for proper behavior, this book is worth exploring.
The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids, by Patrick Cotter and E. W. Swihart (New York: Bantam, 1998). How to say no without guilt and get your kids back on track.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
