Behavior Makeover: Whining
Our four year old has developed this horrible new habit that's driving my husband and me crazy. Anytime she wants to get her way, she uses a whiny voice that is so grating it reminds me of a dentist's drill. It's so embarrassing that we're afraid to take her out in public. Please tell us what we can do so she stops whining. We're becoming hermits!
– Sue, a mother of three from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
"I can't stand his tone. It's worse than nails scraping on a chalkboard."
"Once she starts, I know she'll keep it up until I give in."
"She's only four, but her begging is driving me crazy!"
Whining – that pitiful, loud, grating sound – is one of the most irritating of kid behaviors. The pitch is an exasperating blend of crying and nagging that's as annoying as a dentist's drill. If that's not enough, whiners have an amazing ability to stretch syllables so they almost slap you back in your face: "Pleeeeeeease" or "Daaaaad!" What's more, whining can quickly turn into a full-blown, ugly tantrum. Although whining usually peaks at around four years of age, it can continue well into the school years. There's some good news though: whining is learned, so the behavior can be unlearned. And the sooner you start your kid's behavior makeover, the less likely it will become an annoying, troublesome habit.
Four Steps to Squelch Whining
You can use the following four steps to guide you in eliminating whining and making over your kids' behavior.
Step 1. Establish a Zero Tolerance for Whining
Rest assured, all kids whine occasionally, but the surest way to turn this grating attention-getter into a full-fledged habit is to give in and let your little nagger win. Take heed: once you back down and surrender, kids usually continue using the technique as a way to get what they want. Worse yet, if not stopped, whining often escalates to back talk, arguing, and tantrums. So the bottom line is, don't let your kid think it works.
The best way to stop the behavior is to flat-out refuse to listen to nagging requests unless they're spoken with a polite tone. At the first whimper of a whine, firmly say, "Stop! I don't listen to whining voices. Tell me what you want with a nice tone." Then walk away or turn around and ignore your kid. Turn back when the whining stops (even for a few seconds) and say, "I do listen to a nice voice. Can I help you now?" The trick is to not to look irritated or to react.
Step 2. Demonstrate Appropriate Voice Tone
Choose a calm time to talk with your kid about why whining is unacceptable. A key point is to make sure he knows the difference between a whining voice and a normal speaking tone. You might say: "The tone of voice you used to try to get my attention is whining. I will only listen to polite voices."
Next, show your child what a more acceptable voice sounds like. Don't assume he knows the correct way to get your attention. Whining may have become such a habit that he simply isn't aware of his irritating tone. Take a moment to ensure that your child knows what kind of a voice you expect – for example, "Here's my whining voice: 'I don't wanna do this.' Here's my polite one: 'Can you please help me?' When you want something, make your voice sound like my polite voice. Now you try." Be careful not to mimic your child. Your goal is to be instructional so he understands your expectations without feeling ridiculed.
Step 3. Lay Down Your Rules
Announce from now on that he should expect an automatic no any time he whines. Then refuse to listen to even the first note of a whine uttered from your kid's lips. Usually whining stops when kids realize it's getting them nowhere, so your child has to realize that your rule is nonnegotiable.
Step 4. Set a Consequence If Whining Continues
You may be wondering, "What happens if my kid still whines?" The answer is simple: you must set an immediate consequence so your kid knows you won't tolerate it. And it's the same for back talk, hitting, spitting, or arguing. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can wait until you're home to correct your kid's misbehavior. Wherever the whining occurs is where the consequence must be administered. That may mean the huge inconvenience of changing plans when your kid starts up his whining routine during a shopping outing. But if you really want to end the behavior, you'll calmly say on the spot: "That's whining, and you know the rule. We're leaving now."
Consequences stop bad behaviors only if they're used every time the behavior occurs. Take heed: if you don't follow through, the whining usually increases. That's because your child has learned you just might give in. You must also stay unemotional when administering consequences: no lecturing, displaying anger, or appearing irritated. Also, remember to praise your kid when he uses the right voice tone. Breaking a habit takes time, so always encourage his good efforts. Above all, don't give in.
Behavior Makeover Plan
Start by thinking about whining kids. Why do you think they use this behavior? Whining is learned, so where do you think kids learn it? How do other parents you know respond to whining? How did your parents respond? Which parenting responses do you think are most successful in stopping whining behavior? Why?
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.
- Think about how you typically respond to your kid's whining. If possible, discuss this with your partner or another parent who knows you and your child well. Why hasn't your response succeeded in stopping the behavior? Does your child use this behavior with other adults? If so, who? Who doesn't he use this behavior around? Why not?
- Reread Steps One, Two, and Three, and commit to no longer tolerating your kid's whining. Think through what you will say to explain your new behavior expectation. Most important is to plan how you will respond the next time your kid whines. Recognize that in most cases, Steps One and Two are mandatory for behavior makeovers.
- Usually there's a predictable pattern to kids' behavior in which certain situations are more likely to provoke bad conduct. Think about your kid, and identify the kinds of circumstances that might incite her to whine. For instance, is there a time of the day she is more likely to sulk: When she's hungry or tired? When you're on the phone and she wants your attention? When you're tired? Once you're aware of the pattern, you can anticipate when your child is more likely to resort to using the behavior and head it off before it starts. For example, you might distract her attention before she starts whining: "Look, there's a gorgeous butterfly!" Kids often whine to get attention, so responding promptly to your child can fend it off. "I'll be off the phone in two minutes. As soon as I'm done, let's read a book."
- If it's not nipped in the bud, whining rarely stops by itself. If the whining continues, try Step Four and set consequences that are appropriate for your child. Remember that the best consequences fit the situation and are administered immediately. Make a list of what you could do when your kid whines in a public setting and at home. At the first whimper, you'll be ready. Here are a few consequence ideas suitable for whining:
For a young whiner, create a "whining chair" at home, and use it when necessary: "That's whining. Go sit in the whiner's chair for two minutes so you remember to use your nice voice when you want something."
When driving, pull to the side of the road (when safe), and wait until your kid talks correctly. Feel free to listen to the radio or even read as you wait. He'll get the point.
In a public setting, such as a restaurant, a mall, a movie theater, or a park, immediately leave the scene with your kid. You and your spouse may have to resort to driving in two cars, with your whiner leaving the scene of the crime with one of you.
Makeover Pledge
How will you use the four steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change and stop whining? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
Taming the Dragon in Your Child, by Meg Eastman and Sydney Craft Rozen (New York: Wiley, 1994). An excellent parenting resource to reduce back talk and whining.
Whining: Three Steps to Stopping It Before the Tears and Tantrums Start, by Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder (New York: Fireside, 1998). A commonsense guide for parents to stopping whining behavior.
Winning the Whining Wars, by Cynthia Whitham (Los Angeles: Perspective Publishing, 1991). Another good parent guide to limit whining and back talk.
How to Lose All Your Friends, by Nancy Carlson (New York: Viking Press, 1994). A great picture book that looks at all the negative friendship consequences to displaying behaviors such as whining, not sharing, and never smiling. Ages 3 to 8.
How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, by Alex J. Packer (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit, 1997). Sound advice for teens about the world of manners conveyed in a humorous way. Ages 12 to 15.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
