Behavior Makeover: Bullied
A boy at school is terrorizing my nine year old – that's the only way I can describe what's happening. He's broken his glasses, threatens to beat him up, trips him in the cafeteria, and calls him horrible names. My son begs to stay home from school and pleads with me not to tell his teacher, who I guess is unaware of this criminal. He says it will only make it worse, and I'm beginning to believe him. I'm heartsick. What do I do?
– Jenny, a single mom from Tampa, Florida
"There's a ten year old at camp who put my child through hell."
"My daughter is so afraid of a fourth grader in our neighborhood that she's begging us to move."
"My son can't take this anymore. I'm sending him to another school."
One of the universal dreams we parents have is that our kids will get along with others. The alarming rise in bullying has turned many of our dreams into nightmares: too many kids today are verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abused by other children's intentional actions. And data show that bullying is not only increasing but is far more vicious. Although we can't prevent the pain these experiences can cause, we can lessen our kids' chances of becoming victims. Studies say the best way to do that is by empowering kids with strategies to handle bullying.
Four Steps to Handle Bullies
Use the following steps as a guide to help your kid deal with bullies.
Step 1. Listen Empathically and Gather Facts
The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen calmly to your kid's story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, where and when the bullying took place, how frequently this is happening, who was involved, whether anyone helped, and why your kid is being targeted. Also find out how your kid responded to the bully. These facts will help you find the best way to help your kid deal with his tormentor. Keep a record of these incidents in case you need to meet with school officials, the bully's parents, or law enforcement officers.
Do empathize with your child and take his complaints seriously. Assure him that chances are he did nothing to provoke the incident and that you will help him find ways to feel safe. Please don't blame or belittle his feelings by saying, "There's nothing to be afraid of," or "Just toughen up." Bullying is frightening and humiliating. If you suspect your kid is being bullied and isn't telling you, I've included a few possible indicators. Check the ones that apply to your child:
Warning Signs of Being Bullied
- Unexplained bruises or scrapes, torn clothing
- Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
- Doesn't want to go to school; wants you there at dismissal
- Suddenly sullen, evasive, or displays out-of- character behavior
- Onset of headaches, stomachaches, or anxiety
- Difficulty sleeping, has nightmares or bed wetting, or is overtired
- Begins bullying siblings or younger kids
- Ravenous when he comes home (lunch money or lunch may be stolen)
- Afraid to be left alone or suddenly clingy
Step 2. Set a Plan to Ensure Safety
Based on the facts you gathered, you must now plan how to reduce the chances of your kid's getting hurt. Here are a few options you can share with your kid depending on the situation:
- Stay near others. Bullying usually happens during unsupervised times, so tell your kid to be near others at lunch, recess, in hallways, or other open areas. There is safety in numbers.
- Leave the scene. The safest strategy is often just to leave. Don't say anything to the bully and avoid eye contact. Move toward an adult, a crowd, or older kids if possible.
- Plan alternate routes. Decide when and where the bullying most often occurs, and then find safer routes. If it's on the bus, find other transportation. If it's in the park, stay away.
- Don't retaliate. Advise him not to hit back; it will only increase the risk of getting hurt. Too many kids are carrying weapons, so hit back only as a last resort.
- Use good judgment. Teach your kid the best safety rule: always act on your gut instinct. If you feel you could be in danger, get away fast. Drop your backpack and run.
- Tell an adult. Decide which adult is safe to tell: someone who will take the report seriously, deal with the bully, protect your kid, and, if necessary, keep his identity secret.
Telling your kid, "Just get him to stop," does not work. Bullies rarely just go away, so offer ways to handle a bully if he must face him, though it's better to avoid him. Then help your child practice any of the following tips that he thinks might work best for his situation:
- Stay calm and do not react. Bullies love power and knowing they can push other kids' buttons, so don't let the bully know he upset you. Pretend you're wearing a special bully-proof vest that bounces his taunts off you so you don't look afraid.
- Don't look like a victim. Kids who use assertive posture are less likely to be bullied. Stand tall and hold your head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.
- Say no firmly. If you talk to a bully, use a firm, strong voice (never a whiny, wimpy, or afraid one). Say no to his demands, or tell him you do not like what he is doing and will not put up with it. Keep repeating yourself until you can walk to an adult who can help.
- Use a stone-faced glare. Practice using a mean stare that goes straight through the bully so you seem in control and not bothered.
- Teach comebacks. Most bullying is verbal: name calling, insults, prejudicial slurs. Help your kid buffer verbal bullying before it turns into physical abuse.
Research conducted by Kaoru Yamamoto, a psychologist at the University of Colorado, found that next to losing the security of family, a kid's biggest concern is losing face with peers. Being bullied dramatically affects your child's self-esteem, so find ways to boost her confidence. Here are a few possibilities:
- Learn martial arts. Some kids find that learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting improves their self-confidence. Might this be your kid?
- Boost social skills. If a bully targets your child because his social skills need work, coach a few new ones, and then have him join clubs to practice them.
- Find a friend. Help your child find at least one friend.
- Develop a talent. Find an avenue – such as a hobby, interest, sport, or talent – that your kid enjoys and can excel at. Then help her develop the skill so her self-esteem grows.
First, review your own behavior. Do you model the behavior of a victim, or do you stand up for yourself? Victim behavior is learned. So is there a behavior you'd like to change to improve your example to your kid? Is so, what will you commit to doing? Write down your plan.
Next, talk to other parents about how prevalent bullying is in your community and school. Find out if their kids are being bullied, who the bullies are, where the bullying is happening, and what, if anything, they are doing to help their kids. If bullying is a problem in your child's school, consider creating a parent group to discuss your concerns with the administration and teachers.
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan:
- Reread Step One. Listen carefully to your child's story, or if you suspect your kid is being bullied, ask. Try to find a pattern to the bullying. For instance, is it happening usually at the same time or place? List what you discover.
- Review your notes from Step One, and then reread Step Two. Is there at least one thing you can do to make your kid safer? Develop a plan.
- Review Step Three. How can you help your kid be more assertive? Do you encourage your child to assert himself and be independent, or do you encourage compliance and dependence? Write a plan of how to help your kid learn to stick up for himself. Make sure you rehearse the strategy.
- Review Step Four. How does your kid respond to the bully? He may not be able to tell you the answer, so try to observe his social interactions a bit more closely. Is there anything he does that might increase the likelihood that he will be a victim? What about behaviors that might set off the bully? List your ideas, and then develop a plan to eliminate those behaviors and boost your child's assertiveness.
- Review Step Four, and consider your child's self-esteem. What could you do to boost his confidence? Write a plan.
Makeover Pledge
How will you use the four steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change? On the following lines, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
Coping with Peer Pressure, by Leslie Kaplan (New York: Rosen, 1987). Ideas for helping kids learn to stand up for themselves.
Your Child: Bullying, by Jenny Alexander (Boston: Element, 1998). A practical guide written by the mother of a bully victim that discusses whole family initiatives for dealing with bullying.
Your Child – Bully or Victim: Understanding and Ending School Yard Tyranny, by Peter Sheras and Sherill Tippins (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002). Strategies for both victims and bullies.
Liking Myself, by Pat Palmer (San Luis Obispo, Calif.: Impact Publishers, 1977). A great source of ideas for helping kids ages 5 to 9 learn assertiveness skills.
Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem, by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 1990). A wonderful compilation of strategies to boost kids' self-esteem and decision making. Ages 9 to 12.
The Mouse, the Monster and Me! by Pat Palmer (San Luis Obispo, Calif.: Impact Publishers, 1977). Assertiveness concepts for 8 to 12 year olds.
Why Is Everybody Always Picking on Me: A Guide to Understanding Bullies for Young People, by Terrence Webster-Doyle (New York: Weatherhill, 2000). Provides bully-proofing ideas. Ages 9 to 12.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
