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Behavior Makeover: Bullying

My son's teacher told us that Scott has been bullying other kids. A few parents complained that he threatened their kids and called them names that I'm embarrassed to repeat. He also stole their lunches and ripped up their work. Apparently he's doing such a good job of tormenting them that they don't want to go to school. I feel terrible: last year's teacher told me similar stories, and I didn't believe her. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately, Scott's dad thinks this behavior is "manly." Please help!

– Jerri, a mother of two sons from Vancouver, British Columbia

"Why should I care how he feels? He's just a little suck-up."
"He's such a wimp – he deserved it!"
"I hit him. So what? Nobody likes him anyway."

Bullying has increased dramatically over the past decade. A recent study found that 80 percent of middle school students have bullied a classmate within the past thirty days. Do be aware that because only 15 percent of bullies fit the stereotype of someone who physically hurts others, many parents don't suspect their child is a bully. Other kids sure do: bullies also maliciously tease, threaten, name-call, hit, spread nasty rumors, sexually harass, or intimidate victims, and their efforts are always intentional. Bullies can be male or female, urban or rural, rich or poor, and be popular or lack friends. Their one commonality is their immense ability to wreak havoc on their victims' self-esteem. There's also another often-overlooked victim in terms of long-term self-damage: the bully. If not stopped, kid tormentors all too often become adult abusers who bully their offspring, spouse, colleagues, and neighbors, thereby alienating loved ones and friends and business relations they do really care about, and also punishing themselves with isolation, lost privileges, lost opportunities, and peer group contempt. What's more, one in four end up with criminal records.

Use the following steps as a guide to eliminating bullying in your kid.

Step 1. Recognize That Your Kid Is a Bully
The first and most important step to eliminating bullying behaviors is to admit your kid has a problem. Data show that this behavior does not go away on its own: you must intervene. Here's a list of warning signs of kids who are bullies. Check the ones that apply to your child:

Warning Signs That Your Child Might Be a Bully

Uses aggressive behaviors: shoves, hits, kicks, says mean or insulting names
Impulsive: easily frustrated or quick to react; may break things when upset
Thinks aggression is an acceptable way to solve problems
Need to dominate or control others
Humiliates or makes fun of others and sees nothing wrong with this behavior
Is cruel with pets or other kids; often rough with toys or possessions
Lacks empathy: insensitive to others' feelings and concerns
Takes no responsibility for actions; shows little remorse; blames others
Deliberately provokes or annoys other people
Self-centered: concerned about his own pleasure, not about others
Friends who have been over don't come back or return a phone call

Step 2. Set a Zero Tolerance for Bullying, and Use a Consequence If It Continues
Your child must learn that bullying is totally unacceptable, and it's up to you to teach him. This is time for serious talk. Begin by explaining firmly your disapproval of his behavior. Never allow him to take his cruel actions lightly, blame others, or dismiss them as a joke. If he says, "It wasn't any big deal!" Respond: "It was a very big deal to her. You caused her a lot of pain. Don't ever treat anyone that way again." Then tell him that any time you see or hear that he is acting like a bully, there will be a consequence. Tell him you will also be in contact (daily, if needed) with all immediate caregivers in his life – relatives, teachers, baby-sitter, day care – so you can monitor his behavior. Be sure to ask them to inform you of any bullying. Everyone must be on-board and consistent in enforcing the stipulated consequence if you are to squelch this behavior. Be vigilant, and don't give in!

Step 3. Promote Empathy and Concern for Others
One powerful way to squelch bullying is by nurturing empathy. Think about it: if you can feel how your victims might feel, treating them cruelly would be unthinkable. Empathy is teachable; that means you can increase your kid's feeling for others. Here are ways:

Switch roles. Bullies need to realize that their actions hurt, so ask him to imagine being the victim. "Pretend you're that boy. Tell me what you think he's thinking. How does he feel?"
Gain a new point of view. Find ways for your kid to encounter different perspectives: visit – even better, volunteer at – a homeless shelter, pediatric ward, center for the blind, nursing home, juvenile hall, or soup kitchen. The more your kid experiences different views, the more likely she will be to empathize with others.
Demand reparations. Studies show that parents who call attention to the harm done by the kid and encourage reparations increase their kid's concern for others. Require your kid to do something to ease his victim's emotional pain and make amends for his behavior – for instance, sincerely apologize, repair or replace damaged property, pay for any financial damages, tell peers to befriend her.

Step 4. Model Self-Control and Conflict Management
Data show that bullies believe that aggression is an acceptable way to solve conflicts and often show little remorse for their cruel behavior. It's up to you to prove him wrong and show him appropriate alternatives to remedy problems peacefully. Here are a few possibilities:

Teach self-control. Bullies tend to be impulsive and aggressive, so teach him suitable ways to control his impulses and anger. Praise him when he shows any attempts to control his aggressive behaviors and act in a considerate way.
Monitor media consumption. Be aware of the ratings for violence on television, music, movies, and video games. Set clear standards for what you will allow your kid to watch, and stick to them.
Express disapproval for violence. Whenever you see or hear violent and cruel actions displayed on TV, movies, nightly news, musical lyrics, video games, as well as in real life, firmly voice your disapproval and state your reasons to help him learn new beliefs.
Watch out for negative peer influence. Steer him away from overly aggressive friends.
Teach conflict resolution skills. Studies show that bullies often solve problems aggressively because they don't know other options. Also, model peaceful resolution. If your kid sees you using dialogue rather than force to get your needs met, he'll be more inclined to do the same.

Bullying is a learned behavior, so start by seriously reflecting as to where your child may be learning it. Think of your home environment. Do you and your spouse fight in front of your kids? Do you fight emotionally? Physically? Has your child seen you smash furniture, get in a pushing contest, or come to blows? Are your kids' aggressive behaviors condoned?

Is bullying portrayed as a positive trait such as "assertive" or "manly" instead of unacceptable and cruel? Are violent images from television, video games, musical lyrics, and the Internet allowed in your home? Now think of outside influences. Are your child's friends overly aggressive? If you want to change your child's behavior, you must also alter the factors that teach him that bullying is acceptable. What can you change that you have control over? Write your plan, and then commit to putting it into action.

Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.

Review Step One, and take a good look at your kid. Why does he feel a need to bully others? For instance, does he lack friends? Does he need to control others? Is she mean? Find out what is underlying your kid's need to bully, and then fix it. Write down ideas, and then create a plan.
Review Step Two so you can set a clear consequence if bullying continues. Also, set times to contact all other immediate caregivers in your kid's world: relatives, teachers, day care providers, and others. Think through how you will monitor your kid's daily behavior (if necessary) when you are not present. For instance, could the teacher send a note that briefly reports any bullying problem? What else?
Review Step Three. Write how you will boost empathy and when you will begin your plan.
Review Step Four. Write a long-term plan as to how you will help your kid learn acceptable alternatives to aggression.
Bullying is a behavior that must be closely monitored. If you do not see positive changes in your child's behavior in the next few weeks, seek the help of a professional. There may be underlying psychological reasons that require therapy or other forms of intervention. Remember: Do not give up.

Makeover Pledge
How will you use the four steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.

All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Resources

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, by Rachel Simmons (New York: Harcourt Brace, 2002). A brilliant book that skewers the stereotype of girls as the kinder, gentler gender.

Keys to Dealing with Bullies, by Barry Edwards McNamara and Francine McNamara (Happauge, N.Y.: Barron's, 1997). Profiles bullies and their victims, describes patterns underlying causes, and offers suggestions for dealing with bullying.

Your Child – Bully or Victim: Understanding and Ending School Yard Tyranny, by Peter Sheras and Sherill Tippins (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002). Strategies for victims and bullies.

The Bully Free Classroom: Over 100 Tips and Strategies for Teachers K-8, by Allan L. Beane (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Press, 1999). Packed full of ideas to squelch bullying behaviors – a must for every educator.

And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence, by James Garbarino and Ellen deLara (New York: Free Press, 2002). A must-read for all parents and educators to help readers understand the cruelty and violence perpetrated by bullies in schools.

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