Behavior Makeover: Fighting
I'm beginning to feel like a referee: my kids are constantly fighting, and I'm constantly having to tell them what to do. I know I'm not helping them by solving their own problems, but frankly it's a lot easier telling them what to do than listening to their crying, yelling, and arguing. There has to be a better way, so what is it? I'm exhausted.
– Jake, a dad of two from Salt Lake City, Utah
"Mavis won't be my friend. I threw sand at her when she took my shovel."
"Kevin and I were benched all recess because the teacher heard us fighting about the game."
"Tim asked my girlfriend to go out, so I'm not talking to him again!"
On a day-to-day basis, the problems our kids face are tough: prejudice, sibling conflict, academic and youth sport pressures, rejection by friends, cliques and gangs, bullying, trying to get along, as well as the frustrations of just growing up. These are issues we used to think affected only older kids; the fact is that they are having an impact on our children at younger and younger ages. Although we can't protect our kids from problems, frustrations, and heartaches, we can arm them with tools to handle them better. The more we help them learn to resolve conflicts peacefully, the greater the likelihood is that they'll develop into more self-sufficient and resourceful individuals able to deal with any issue – and do so without our guidance.
Five Steps To Reducing Conflicts
Use the following steps as a guide to help your kid minimize fighting and learn to solve problems peacefully. Each letter in the acronym STAND represents one of the five steps in conflict resolution and helps kids recall the process.
Step 1. S = Stop and Calm Down
The first step to conflict resolution is teaching kids to calm down and tune into their feelings. The reason is simple: it's impossible to think about how to solve a problem if you're upset. Once in control, you can begin to rationally figure out why you're upset and then find an answer to your dilemma. So teach your kid to take a slow, deep breath to calm down or walk away until he's calm. If emotions are high between the two kids, do intervene: "I see two angry kids who need to calm down so they can figure out how to solve their problem." You might need to separate the kids until their anger is under control.
Step 2. T = Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is
The important thing here is to enforce these critical rules:
- No put-downs or name-calling.
- Listen to each other respectfully.
- Do not interrupt. Each person gets a chance to talk.
Tell kids to start their explanations with the word I instead of you and then describe the problem and how they want it resolved. This helps the speaker focus on the conflict without putting the other child down – for instance, "I'm ticked because you never give me a turn. I want to use the computer too." If emotions are high, give kids the option of writing or drawing their view of the problem instead of saying it to each other. This is particularly helpful for younger or less verbal children. The goal should be to help each child try to feel what it's like to be in the other kid's shoes. One way to do this is to have each youngster put into words what the other child has said.
Step 3. A = List the Alternatives to Resolving It
Kids need to think of alternatives so they have ways to find a resolution. Whether your child is a preschooler or an adolescent, the basic rules of thinking of solutions are the same:
- Say the first thing that comes into your mind.
- Don't put down anyone else's ideas.
- Change or add onto anyone's idea.
- Try to come up with ideas that work mutually for both sides.
Step 4. N = Narrow the Choices
Narrow the options to a few choices. Here are two rules to help kids get closer to resolving the problem:
- Eliminate any solutions that are unacceptable to either child because they don't satisfy their needs.
- Eliminate any solutions that aren't safe or wise.
This final step helps kids learn how to make the best decision by thinking through the consequences of their choices. You can teach children to think about the consequence of their remaining choices by asking, "What might happen if you tried that?" Another way to help kids decide on the best choice is by helping them weigh the pros and cons of each remaining possibility: "What are all the good and bad things that might happen if we chose that?" "What is the one last change that would make this work better for both of us?" Once they decide, the two kids shake on the agreement or take turns saying, "I agree."
Behavior Makeover Plan
Take a minute to think about how you solved problems when you were a kid. Did your parents teach you how to solve problems? Do you have a method for solving problems in your relationships or at work today? Is this a skill you are able to model to your children, or do you need to do some more work on it yourself?
Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.
- Think about how your child typically reacts to a problem. Does she stay calm, or does her body tense up? Does she confront the problem, or does she walk away from it? Does she coolly try to solve the problem, or does she become so anxious that she needs help calming down? If any of these is her typical response, there might be an immediate need for her to learn Step One: Stop and Calm Down. Write a plan.
- Review Step Two with your child. This is a hard step for many kids to learn, so maybe the best way is for you to model it by telling a story about one of your own problems. Then show your kid how to listen when she tells you her side of the story. Ask questions to help her fill in the important details, and then model repeating back what your child told you so you can model being in her shoes.
- Review Steps Three and Four with your child. Encourage your kid to think of solutions to any problem, and remind her to say anything that comes to her mind, no matter how wild and crazy it may seem to her.
- Review Step Five, and help your child practice weighing consequences. Try to find teachable moments throughout the day that you could use as examples of how everyday conflicts get resolved without fighting.
How will you use the five steps and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kid achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.
Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the following lines. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Resources
Conflict Resolution: Communication, Cooperation, Compromise, by Robert Wandberg (Mankato, Minn.: Lifematters Press, 2000). Helps teens and young adults learn critical life skills to resolve conflicts.
Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home, by Naomi Drew (New York: Kensington, 2000). If you're going to buy one book on creating a harmonious home, this should be it. Drew is an expert, and her ideas are practical.
Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration, by Steward Levine (San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 1998). Step-by-step guidelines through the process of resolving conflicts.
Getting to Peace: Transforming Conflicts at Home, at Work, and in the World, by William Ury (New York: Viking Press, 1999). A renowned expert on negotiation and peacemaking offers tips on how to achieve peace at home, at work, and in the community so we can live together peacefully.
Conflict Resolution: The Win-Win Solution, by Carolyn Casey (Berkeley Heights, N.J.: Enslow Publishers, 2001). Strategies for dealing nonviolently with peers, parents, teachers, and others. For ages 12 to 15.
We Can Work It Out: Conflict Resolution for Children, by Barbara Kay Pollard (Berkeley, Calif.: Tricycle Press, 2000). A straightforward format to help kids learn skills to handle fourteen difficult situations, such as anger, teasing, hitting, and excluding. For ages 5 to 8.
From No More Misbehavin' by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2003 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
