Attitude Makeover: Bad Temper
Antidote: Self-Control, Calmness, Peacefulness"Take that!"
Dear Dr. Borba,
My husband and I are very concerned about our seven year old. Don't get me wrong: he's a good kid and does well in school, but he has such a quick temper! The littlest things seem to set him off. He gets himself so worked up and usually ends up lashing out at his brothers and friends. We're afraid he's going to hurt someone and get into serious trouble or lose his friends. Is there anything we can do to help him?
– Carol R., mom of three from Oklahoma City
Yelling. Fighting. Hitting. Name-calling. Tantrums. Biting. Sound familiar? They are typical behaviors bad-tempered kids use to make their needs known and to get their way. Yes, they are signs of poor self-control, but they are also signs of selfish and rude attitudes. Need proof? Just be in the company of a screaming, tirading toddler or explosive teenager, and in seconds you know this child sure isn't thinking about others. He is concerned only about getting his agenda met, and the antics he uses to achieve that aim are anything but civil. In fact, he's a leading candidate for membership in the Big Brat Factor All-Stars.
Teaching kids a new way to cope with their intense feelings is not easy, especially if they have been in the habit of using quick tempers to deal out their frustrations. Calming a hot temper is not only teachable but also essential for growing up in a sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Besides, eliminating this behavior will do absolute wonders in creating not only a calmer kid who is far more enjoyable to be with, but also a more peaceful family. So don't wait! Begin your child on the path of self-control, calmness, and peacefulness by starting this attitude tune-up right now.
Emergency Attitude
Take a hard look at how you handle your temper. Kids do copy our attitudes and behaviors, so keep a lid on, stop yelling, stifle your road rage and other outbursts, and make sure your kid has a good model.
Bad Attitude Alert
Nip that bad-tempered attitude in the bud by quickly focusing on how it started.
Diagnosis
Sure, some kids are born with quicker fuses, but anger can be managed, and tempers can be controlled. And more often than not, quick tempers are learned. The statements that follow describe behaviors usually displayed by kids who flaunt quick tempers and have poor self-control. How many of these behaviors are indicative of your kid?
Frequently interrupts or blurts out answers or questions
Has troubling waiting her turn
Becomes physically agitated, red-faced, starts hyperventilating, or can't think straight
Has difficulty managing her own impulses and urges; sometimes needs adult help
Has trouble calming down when excited, frustrated, or angry
Blows up, has angry outbursts, or loses control quickly
Resorts to using physical aggression, such as hitting, kicking, fighting, or pushing
Behaves recklessly
Needs reminders, coaxing, or reprimands to control temper
Has difficulty bouncing back from an upsetting or frustrating situation
How does your kid typically display his quick temper?
Why. Why does your kid have this attitude? Why has he learned that flaunting his temper is effective in getting his needs met? Could he be copying someone's behavior? Does he know how to calm down? Is there a change in your family that might be causing undue stress? Is anything going on at school that might be creating extra pressures on him? Is there any trouble with relationships, romantic and otherwise? If your child is older, have you ever smelled alcohol on his breath? Is he frustrated, picked on, overwhelmed, overscheduled, needing attention, or physically tired? Does he feel he isn't being listened to? Might he be feeling powerless or depressed? Might a bad-tempered attitude be a way to vent his frustrations?
What. Are there particular issues or things he usually gets more upset about? Are they about a conflict with a sibling, homework, chores, a tight schedule? Watch your kid's outbursts closely over the next week. Consider tracking the frequency of incidents on a chart, on a calendar, or in a journal. It may help you tune into what may be provoking the outbursts.
Who. Does he display the same quick temper to everyone? Are there some individuals he does not flare his temper toward? If so, who? Why not? Who does he yell at? Is there someone he does not get so irritated at? For instance, does he yell at his friends, siblings, teacher, you, your partner?
When. Is there a particular time of day, week, or month your kid has a quicker temper? Is there a reason? Also ask yourself when this attitude started. Has your kid always had a quick temper, or are you noticing that she is more upset lately? Why the change? Could it be a sign of trouble in school? With friends? A problem at home?
Where. Are there certain places she is more likely to be more quick-tempered (at school or day care, home, the store, a sporting event, scouting, Grandpa's, with the kid next door)? Why do you think this is so?
Now take a look at your answers. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? Do you have any better understanding of this attitude and where it's coming from?
What's Wrong with Your Current Response?
What's your current response to your kid's bad-tempered attitude? Do you explode and yell back at him? Do you put your hands over your ears and grimace? Does your blood pressure rise and render you speechless? Do you try to change the subject or offer a bribe to be quiet? Do you spank him? Start by thinking of the last time your kid displayed a short fuse.
Why haven't these responses worked? Most important, what was her reaction to your response? Did it really quiet her down or enrage her even more? Get into her shoes and think about why she responded as she did.
What is one response you will never try again? Write it.
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Your attitude is a living textbook to your child, so the first place to start a bad attitude makeover is by reflecting on your temper and how you deal with frustrations. These questions might help: How did your parents handle anger? Did you hear them do much yelling? Did you ever see them throw things or get into a shoving match? How about among your siblings? Who, if anybody, in your family or close friends had a quick temper? How do people respond to them? What responses were effective in calming them down? In escalating their temper?
How do you typically deal with anger now? Does it work or not work for you? How well are you controlling your temper at work? With your partner? With friends? When you're driving? How do you act in front of your kids after a hard, stressful day? How do you try to control your stress? In the middle of an argument, are you able to stop and say: "Let's get calm"? How well do your restrain your temper when other drivers are irrational? What lessons might your kid be learning from these actions?
What is the first step you need to take in yourself to be a better example to your sons or daughters of dealing with their quick tempers? Write down changes you need to make.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To reduce your child's quick temper, take the following steps.
Step 1. Convey Your Attitude Expectations
Begin by firmly conveying that flaunting quick tempers will no longer be tolerated. Tell your child that while it's normal to be angry from time to time, he may not use a yelling voice, hurtful words, a tantrum, or fists to express his feelings. Then convey your "calmer policy" expectations to all family members. Consider asking them to take a "no yelling" vow. The pledge is written on a piece of paper, signed by all members, and posted as a concrete reminder.
Once everyone is clear on your attitude expectations, absolutely refuse to engage with a quick-tempered kid who yells, hits, or has a tirade. Firmly (and calmly) explain: "That's yelling. I only listen when you use a calm voice." Or "I understand you're upset, but you need to control your temper before I will listen." Then walk away and go about your business until your kid acts correctly. If you have to lock yourself in the bathroom, do so. He needs to know you mean business, so be consistent.
Step 2. Identify Temper Warning Signs
Explain to your child that we all have our own little signs that warn us our tempers are ready to blow and that we should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble.
Next, help your child recognize her specific warning signs that she's starting to get upset – for example, talking louder, flushed cheeks, clenched fists, pounding heart, drier mouth, or faster breathing. Once she is aware of her signs, point them out to her when she first starts to get frustrated and before she loses her temper: "Looks like you're starting to get out of control." "Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get upset?"
The more we help our kids recognize those early warning signs when their temper is triggered – usually when they first show signs of tension and stress – the better able they will be to calm themselves and learn to regulate their tempers.
Step 3. Teach Ways To Calm Quick Tempers
Once your kid is aware of his unique signs that warn him his temper is ready to blow, he needs to know how to handle his frustrations or temper. Explain that anger is normal: how we choose to deal with it can be healthy or unhealthy, as well as get us in trouble or keep us out of trouble. There are a number of anger management strategies to cool tempers. The goal is to find the one that works best for your child and then help him rehearse it again and again until it becomes a habit. Here are a few possibilities:
- Deal with the anger. Pound clay, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, punch a punching bag. Help your child find the most effective way to calm his temper, and then encourage him to use the technique.
- Go to a calm spot. Ask your kid to help you set up a place where he can go to gain control. Put out a few soothing things such as books, music, pens, and paper, and then encourage him to use the spot to cool down.
- Leave the scene. Sometimes the best strategy is to leave the scene. Do emphasize that to your kid. Whenever he feels he can't control his temper, feels the urge to fight, or doesn't feel safe, he can walk away. It's always safer.
- Use self-talk. Help your child learn to say a simple, positive message to himself to control his temper – for example, "Stop and calm down," "Stay in control," "Chill out," "I can handle this." Have your kid choose a phrase she feels most comfortable saying, and then help her rehearse it a few times each day until she can use it on her own.
- Teach "Stop and breathe." Tell your child as soon as he feels he's losing his temper to say to himself: "Stop! Calm down." He then immediately takes a deep, slow breath (or two or three if necessary) from his tummy. Getting oxygen into the brain is one of the fastest ways to relax.
- Imagine a calm place. Ask your kid to think of a place he has been where he feels calm and peaceful – for instance, the beach, his bed, Grandpa's backyard, a tree house. Right before his temper starts to flare and he feels those body warning signs kick in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine the spot while breathing slowly. Some kids say it helps them to pretend they are pulling a "stop sign" in front of their eyes. The sign warns them to control their temper.
Many kids are quick-tempered because they have never learned ways to stay in control and to express their frustrations in a healthy manner. Find one that works best for your kid, and then help him practice it again and again until he learns it and can use it without your guidance. Here are three possibilities:
- Say how you feel. Younger kids or those with limited language skills can say how they feel to their offender. You must teach your kid an emotion vocabulary so she can express how she feels (such as angry, upset, mad, frustrated, furious, stressed, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off). Then encourage her to use her feeling words whenever her temper starts to flare: "I'm mad" or "I'm really, really angry."
- Use an "I message." Once your child knows emotion words, he can use them to tell the other person how he feels or what he wants the other to do. The statement must be delivered calmly and focus on the problem. No name-calling or put-downs are allowed because they just fuel the other person's temper: "I'm angry that you took my CD without asking. Next time ask my permission." Or "I am really feeling stressed about this test coming up, so I need some space."
- Talk to someone about it. Sometimes it may be counterproductive or even destructive to confront someone with your anger, especially on the spot, just after something has happened to provoke it. So talk to your kids about when to stuff it and vent elsewhere, a useful technique especially for preteens and teens.
One of the simplest ways to change kids' behavior is to catch them being good. It's also the technique most parents do the least. Any time you notice your kid handling a difficult situation calmly, expressing his frustrations without yelling, hitting, biting, or having a tantrum, or keeping his temper in control, acknowledge his behavior and let him know you appreciate his efforts: "I noticed you were really mad, but you walked away to control your temper. That's really a good sign." "You used your words this time to tell your brother how upset you were. Good for you!" Remember that attitudes that are reinforced are the ones that kids will continue to use. Reinforce your kid for any efforts he takes to control his temper.
Step 6. Monitor Media Consumption
Kids learn attitudes about temper not only from directly watching parents, teachers, and their peers but also from observing characters in books, movies, and television. And what they are watching is troubling. The typical preschooler who watches about two hours of cartoons daily will be exposed to 10,000 violent incidents per year. By the end of elementary school, the average child will have witnessed 8,000 murders and by age eighteen, 200,000 other vivid acts of violence on the TV screen.
And all those violent images do affect our kids. The American Academy of Pediatrics and five other prominent medical groups conclude that "viewing entertainment violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes, values and behavior, particularly in children." The American Psychological Association estimates that televised violence by itself contributes up to as much as 15 percent of all of kids' aggressive behaviors. Monitor what your kid watches and listen to what she consumes.
Step 7. Use A Consequence When Inappropriate Temper Displays Persists
What do you do if your kid continues displaying a quick, inappropriate temper? First, stay cool yourself; then it's time for consequences. Make sure you explain the consequence at a relaxed time – not during a screaming match. It must be enforced each time your kid displays his bad-tempered attitude.
Tell a younger kid that each time he displays that quick temper inappropriately (such as yelling, hitting, biting, or a tantrum), he will be sent to time-out (or the "calm-down chair") for a few minutes to help him remember how to control his temper. Just remember that time starts after your child gets himself in control.
An appropriate consequence for older kids might be losing a desired privilege such as the telephone or television for a set length (an hour or the evening, depending on the circumstances). Once you set the consequence, then use the same consequence every time. Your kid needs to know you are serious about helping him alter his quick-tempered attitude.
The First 21 Days
Immediately institute a Bad-Temper Cure Policy by setting one rule: "We talk only when we're calm." Write it up as a contract, and have everyone sign it. Then establish a family guideline: "When anyone feels their temper is ready to flare, they take a time-out." The bad-tempered member then walks away and doesn't return until he's completely calm and under control. Everyone in the family should honor that guideline. The best place to practice controlling tempers is in our homes, and intentionally doing so as a family is the most effective way to ensure that your kid can control his temper in the real world. It will most likely take twenty-one days until the rule becomes a habit that all members use consistently no matter where they are. From then on, the habit should become automatic without thinking about it.
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these steps to help your kid control his quick temper and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is less quick-tempered.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Angry Kids: Understanding and Managing the Emotions That Control Them, by Richard L. Berry (New York: Fleming H. Revell Co., 2001). Discusses the root causes of anger in kids and explains ways parents can help them learn techniques for expressing and defusing that anger.
Healthy Anger: How to Help Children and Teens Manage Their Anger, by Bernard Golden (New York: Oxford University Press, 2003). Easy steps to help kids guide and control their anger.
The Angry Child: Regaining Control When Your Child Is Out of Control, by Dr. Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin (New York: Clarkson Potter, 2001). Easy-to-follow strategies that help angry kids manage anger and help parents recognize signs of serious problems.
When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent's Guide, by Patrick McKay (New York: Fine Communications, 1996). A superb guide explaining how parents' anger affects kids and offering ways to regain control.
The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out: Fifty Things Your Family Can Say and Do to Express Anger Constructively, by Lynne Namka (Charleston, Ill.: Talk, Trust & Feel Press, 1995). Useful ways to help kids who are struggling to express anger constructively and help families learn how to deal with anger in nonviolent ways and relate to each member positively.
Tired of Yelling: Teaching Our Children to Resolve Conflict, by Lyndon D. Waugh (Atlanta, Ga.: Longstreet, 1999). A psychiatrist's parenting solutions for defusing family tension and helping toddlers through teens learn skills of peacemaking.
For Kids
Anger Management Workbook for Kids and Teens, by Anita Bohensky (New York: Growth Publications, 2001). Teaches effective coping behaviors to help stop the escalation of anger and resolve conflicts. Ages 12 to 18.
Harriet, You'll Drive Me Wild! by Mem Fox (New York: Harcourt, 2000). Harriet doesn't means to be troublesome. She's always very sorry for her behavior afterward. Her mother doesn't like to yell and usually gently reprimands her. But as her shenanigans escalate, so does her mom's blood pressure. When that edge is finally reached, Harriet's mom yells and yells. Ages 4 to 8.
Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book, by Jerry Wilde (Kansas City, Mo.: Landmark Productions, 1997). A book that speaks directly to kids and adolescents and provides clear guidelines to help them handle hot tempers more constructively. Ages 10 to 15.
When Sophie Gets Angry – Really, Really Angry (New York: Scholastic, 1999). A little girl who has trouble managing her anger learns how to take time to cool off and regain her composure. Ages 3 to 7.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
