Attitude Makeover: Fresh
Antidote: Respect, Caring, Reverence"You don't have a clue, Mom. Don't you know anything?"
Dear Dr. Borba,
I hate to admit this, but my once-charming twelve year old has become a nightmare. He's an incredible student who gets wonderful grades, but is flunking respect and courtesy. If somebody ever heard the way he talks to me, I'd die. I know he can be nice, because he is usually polite to other adults. I, on the other hand, would like to palm him off to the neighbors. How do I get my old kid back?
– Jenna W., a mom from Vancouver, British Columbia
Fresh-talking, flippant, sassy kids are on the rise, and can they ever push our buttons! And why not? Offspring with fresh attitudes are sarcastic, rude, and poster kids for the Big Brat Factor. They undermine your authority, challenge almost anything you say, and let you know in no uncertain terms that you don't have a clue. And their antics are also highly selfish and self-centered. Don't kid yourself for one minute that these guys are concerned about how you feel when they zap you with their sarcastic tones and curt jabs.
So where's all this coming from? Most parents would agree that kids have come to think it's cool to be fresh. Reality TV, raunchy song lyrics, and incendiary role models all contribute to the new rude and crude youth culture. It's something you can see and hear in kids' everyday conversations with their peers at home, at school, and on their instant e-mails and cell phone text messages. And of course a primary recipient of this bad attitude is usually going to be you.
Maybe your kid is just trying to be "in" with the "in crowd," but if fresh attitudes are allowed to continue, they can have very negative social consequences. No teacher, coach, scout leader, other child's parent, or almost any other adult, for that matter, appreciates a fresh kid. The good news is that disrespectful attitudes such as giving lip and sassiness can be curbed – that is, as long as you are consistent with your makeover plan and let your kid know in no certain terms that you are serious about teaching her the virtues of respect, caring, and reverence.
Emergency Attitude
From this moment on, any time your child uses disrespectful words, tones, or gestures toward you, immediately get up, and calmly walk out of her presence. Not just the first time, but each and every time your child does something fresh, your reaction must be consistent and persistent. I don't care if she wants to tell you something important or desperately needs your help, you must make your kid realize that a fresh attitude is intolerable and will no longer be indulged. This goes for little kids and big kids.
Bad Attitude Alert
Before you can curb your kid's fresh attitude, figure out where, why, what, who, and when your kid is resorting to this horrific conduct.
Diagnosis
Answer these questions.
Why. The first most important question is to figure out why your kid has this fresh attitude. Have you been disrespectful to him? Has he seen you being disrespectful to your partner or other members of your family or friends? Here are some other things to consider: Has he been hanging out with a new crowd? Is he watching or listening to crude entertainment? Has he changed his appearance in trying to find a new image? What has your kid learned from being so fresh? Has it actually been effective? Is there a problem at home? A rift in your relationship? Does he resent you for some reason? Is there something about you or anything else going on right now that might be making him really mad? Does he hang around with friends who are disrespectful to their parents? What is your best guess as to why your kid is using this attitude?
What. Are there particular issues or things he is more sassy about? Are they about needing more privileges, wanting control or independence, needing attention, seeking revenge, or something else?
Who. Does she display the same fresh attitude to everyone? Does she talk differently when her friends are around? Are there some individuals she does not use her sassy tone and fresh ways on? If so, who? Why do you think this is the case? Is there anything different about their relationship with your kid? What about their response to her sassiness?
When. Is there a particular time of day, week, or month when he is fresher? Is there a reason? For instance, might he be needing control, or is he more stressed or overwhelmed than in the past? Did he just go to a concert, dance, or other influential event? Has he been sitting at home all day watching Jerry Springer? Also, when did you notice he first started being fresh and sassy? Can you think back as to what was going on in his world (family, school, friends) that might have triggered this attitude? Did he start hanging around with a new group of friends? Has he changed schools recently?
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be fresh (at school or day care, home, during dinner hour, in the car, with a particular kid or group of kids)? Does he use the attitude everywhere or mostly in certain places? If so, why?
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
Next, reflect on how you typically respond to your kid's fresh, flippant attitude. For example, are you attentive, preoccupied, concerned, respectful, flip, hurried, interested, or indifferent? Think back to the last time your kid was fresh. What was the incident over? How did it start? What were you doing at the time? How were you acting toward your kid? Is this how you typically react toward her? Get into her shoes: Would she agree with how you described your attitude? Did you make any nonverbal gestures such as rolling eyes, shrugged shoulders, smirking? Was there anything in your attitude that might have set her off? What did she say that you considered to be fresh, and how did you respond? Did you tolerate her fresh attitude? Or did you scold her or blame yourself? Did your response stop the attitude or escalate it? What is the one response you know never works in stopping this fresh attitude? Jot it down.
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Your kid isn't born fresh, sassy, and rude, so where is your kid learning this attitude? Could it be from siblings? Friends? Neighborhood kids? Cousins or relatives? What about from you or your spouse? How do you treat one another? Do you ever talk sarcastically and flippantly to each other? Do you use four-letter words? If so, how often? How about the way you treat your friends? Has anybody ever accused you of being fresh or insulting? What was the situation?
Now think about how you typically talk to your kid. Do you talk in a civil, respectful tone toward him? Do you take time to attentively listen to him? Are you ever sarcastic, belittling, cutting, or insulting? Do you ever curse at your kids? What about being overly critical or judgmental? Do you put down your kid in front of others? Compare your child to his siblings? Is your discipline fair or overly punitive? Would your kid agree with your self-evaluation?
Next, seriously reflect on your relationship with your kid. Is it really based on mutual respect? Could the state of your relationship have anything to do with his sassy, disrespectful tone? How would he describe your relationship? For example, would he say it is honest, open, trusting, loving, or relaxed? Or would he say it's strained, closed, or stressful? Why? If your relationship is strained, what can you do to rebuild and reconnect with your kid? And what are you really willing to commit to doing to remedy any rift if it exists between the two of you? What is the first step you need to
take in yourself to be a better example to your sons or daughters when dealing with their fresh attitude? Write down changes you need to make in yourself.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To eliminate your child's fresh attitude, take the following steps.
Step 1. Clearly Identify Your Kid's Fresh Behaviors
The first step in eliminating a fresh attitude is to determine which behaviors you consider inappropriate. Only then can you eliminate them from your kid's repertoire. Where do you draw the line between normal teasing and family banter and a downright rude, disrespectful, fresh attitude? What is your family's rule about four-letter words? Your kid won't know the boundaries unless you do. All kids slip every once in a while, but what is your kid doing or saying that is really fresh? The best test is that a fresh attitude is rude, embarrassing, or hurtful and always disrespectful. Keep in mind that freshness can be delivered in three ways: with words, a fresh voice tone, or with body gestures:
- Fresh words: "You're a very bad Mommy!" "Get real!" "Don't you know anything?" "Yeah, right!" "That is so stupid!" "Whatever." "That sucks." "F – – you!"
- Fresh tone: sarcastic, hostile, arrogant, silent, negative, imitates your tone or words mockingly.
- Fresh body gestures: smirking, sighing, rolling eyes, vulgar finger gestures.
Step 2. Announce a"No Freshness Policy" and Then Stick To It
Calmly announce your zero tolerance for fresh behavior and language to your kid. Make sure it is a relaxed, uninterrupted time, and then clarify your new policy in a firm, serious tone. This is no time for discussion, negotiation, or compromise. In fact, the whole discussion should be brief. Just express why his fresh attitude will no longer be tolerated: you might explain your family's code of values and your personal beliefs and how a fresh attitude goes against those values. Also let your child know that if his attitude continues, there will be a consequence. Here are a few ways to explain your new standards:
"Please don't use a whiny baby voice when you want something to eat. In this family, we always ask for things respectfully."
"Four-letter words are forbidden in this family."
"I notice that when I talk to you, you roll your eyes. That's disrespectful, and you must stop right away."
"Telling me to 'get a life' when I am talking to you is rude. You may not talk that way."
Step 3. Refuse To Engage With A Fresh-Mouthed Attitude
Kids are much more likely to stop using fresh, sassy attitudes and bad language if they find they don't work in getting what they want. Whenever your kid lays a fresh attitude on you, flat out refuse to respond until he is respectful. And do so every time he acts fresh. The best response to a fresh kid is to turn and walk away calmly. No, you're not abandoning your kid; you're letting him know you expect respect and won't deal with him until he acts respectfully. Usually when kids see that you are serious and will not going to give in, they stop.
Beware: Be careful that you don't send any nonverbal messages to your kid. For instance, don't sigh, roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, or look exasperated. Doing so is technically "responding." Remember that some kids actually enjoy seeing you ticked off, so don't give your child the pleasure. Here are a few examples of how to respond:
"Stop. That's being fresh. When you have a respectful attitude, you can find me in the kitchen."
"I can't understand that sassy voice. I listen only to nice voices."
"We'll talk when you can listen respectfully without rolling your eyes and smirking."
Step 4. Set a Stern Consequence if Fresh Attitude Continues
If you've been clear with your expectations and the fresh attitude and gestures still continue, it's time to set a consequence. Whenever your kid does display that attitude, call it on the spot by briefly describing what she did that was disrespectful – for example, "I've explained before that you may not talk to me in that tone of voice. Since you can't talk respectfully to your family, you may not use your cell or any other phone for the next twenty-four hours. Put it in the drawer, please."
There should be no discussion: just calmly state the consequence, then enforce it and don't back down. He needs to know that his attitude will not be tolerated. Here are a few other consequences for different ages that address fresh, flippant attitudes:
- Time-out away from activities. Younger kids who talk back and sass can be removed from the room until they can talk respectfully: "Lydia, that was sassing. Go to time-out for five minutes." Make sure the area is one where she may not receive attention. The simplest rule for determining the time length is one minute for each year of the child's age (five years equals five minutes, ten years equals ten minutes, and so on). Some parents call the location the thinking chair or cool-down corner.
- Apologizing. Comments delivered by fresh kids are rude but also hurtful, so make them accountable for their actions. Although they can't take back their spiteful words, they can at least ease the pain by apologizing. Even a four year old can say, "I'm sorry."
- "Fresh jar." Establish a "fresh jar" – any jar with a lid that's set aside just for fresh, flippant attitudes. Clearly define what the bad attitude is, and set a fine. For kids short on money, make and post a list of chores that can be done to work off the fine. Each time the child swears, he is fined and must put the set amount of money in the jar. When the jar is filled, donate the money to a charity of your choice.
- Removal from family. Older children who are fresh to you or any other family member could lose the privilege of being in the room where you gather most regularly as a family (usually for a few hours or the rest of the day, depending on the crime). If the bad attitude continues, you could establish a stricter criterion: "If you can't treat your family respectfully, then you may not see your friends."
- Loss of a privilege. Any child who uses flippant, fresh language on the telephone, including failing to answer the phone in a courteous manner, loses phone privileges for a set period.
If not nipped right away, fresh-mouthed youths can dish out countless rude and insulting barbs. Their messages are always disrespectful and often quite hurtful. Each sassy, insolent comment wounds more than just the intended victim: they also damage the sender's capacities for empathy and respect. What they desperately need are quality experiences to counter the harm to their moral growth.
An easy way to develop a good attitude is to acknowledge our kids when we see them using it. Studies show that most of the time we do the opposite: instead of "catching" our kids being respectful, we point out when they are acting incorrectly. Any time you see or hear your child demonstrating good attitudes, acknowledge them and express your pleasure. Here are a few examples:
"Jimmy, you spoke in such a nice, sweet voice just now. Good for you!"
"Jenna, I appreciate how you stopped to think before you spoke to your grandmother. Thank you."
"I appreciate the apology, Levar. You hurt my feelings this morning. I also know that it's hard changing a bad habit, but I see that you are trying."
The First 21 Days
Start a Family Instant-Replay Plan every time your kid says something fresh: stop, call a time-out, and help him find a more appropriate and respectful way of expressing what's on his mind. In the heat of the moment, he may not realize the hurtful impact of his fresh attitude even though what he's trying to say may be an honest attempt to express his feelings, concerns, or problems. For example, when he says, "You're clueless," he may be really trying to tell you that because you're of a different generation, you don't know what it's like to be in his shoes when dealing with the stresses and pressures of teachers and peers – for example:
Mom: You called me "clueless," and that really hurts. Can you say that again politely?
Kid: Well, um, you don't know what you're talking about.
Mom: Try that again. What exactly happened to you that I don't know?
Kid: Lauren sent an instant message to her class buddy list that I'm a wimp. These days stuff like that can get around so quickly.
Mom: Okay, now I understand why you're so upset. So can you replay that part about me being clueless?
Kid: Mom, you wouldn't understand unless you learned to use the computer.
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these steps and ideas to achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is less sassy and fresh and more respectful and considerate.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Backtalk: Four Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids, by Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder (New York: Fireside, 1998). A commonsense guide to stopping disrespectful behaviors.
Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking: Practical Solutions to the Most Common Preschool Behavior Problems, by Jerry Wychoff and Barbara Unell (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985). Nonviolent options for correcting the most common behavior problems for preschoolers, including tantrums, whining, negativity, back talk, and aggression.
Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World: Teaching Your Children the Power of Mutual Respect and Consideration, by Gary D. McKay, Joyce McKay, Daniel Eckstein, and Steven A. Maybell (Roseville, Calif.: Prima Publishers, 2001). How to establish positive, respectful attitudes in a rude world.
For Kids
Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Stooping to Their Level, by Jay Carter (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003). Great strategies for staying when dealing with difficult, fresh-talking people (and teens). For adults, but good ideas for teens too.
How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, by Alex J. Packer, Pamela Espeland, and Jeff Tolbert (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 1997). Teens will find this manual humorous, nonthreatening, entertaining, and educational for dealing with many kinds of situations. Ages 12 and up.
Social Smarts: Manners for Today's Kids, by Carol Barkin (New York: Clarion Books, 1996). A wide variety of settings in which consideration of others and appropriate etiquette are presented. Ages 9 to 12.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
