Attitude Makeover: Greedy
Antidote: Frugality, Altruism, Generosity"Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
Dear Dr. Borba,
I'm hoping you can help me with my nine year old: he's become so greedy! I've tried to always make him happy and give him what the other kids have, but I think it's backfired. Instead of being satisfied, he just wants more! And he always wants more than anyone else. Now that I created this greedy, selfish monster, can I change his attitude?
– Karen P., a mom from Orlando, Florida
Have you noticed that we seem to have a lot of greedy kids these days? The general public agrees and feels that increased numbers of today's youth are self-centered, spoiled, greedy, and materialistic. Instead of being appreciative of what they have, these critters seem to want more, more, more. Kids' ravenous, never-satisfied manner certainly drains a checkbook, but something even more dangerous happens: greediness vaporizes their hearts and souls.
Think about it: if you incessantly prioritize your own wants and desires and put others' needs and feelings on hold, your life outlook is inevitably affected. More often than not, the message learned is that relationships are far less valuable than self and material possessions acquired. The bottom line is that steady dosages of greediness are shattering to our kids' character.
Raising kids in such a materialistic, greedy world doesn't help matters. It isn't easy resisting advertisers who taunt kids to buy-buy-buy, which perhaps is why data reveal that many kids are becoming more consumer driven and at much younger ages. There's big pressure to buy everything that their friends may have bought, as well keeping up with trends that require that they get the latest styles of shoes, cell phones, DVD players, and other electronic gadgets. We're even told that we must buy more to improve our economy, as if consumerism were a crucial part of patriotism.
One of the biggest causes of greediness is the one we hate admitting most: too often we parents have obliged our kids' every whim. Sure, we want our kids to be happy and have what they desire, but motivating them with bribery is a destructive style of parenting, and giving them more than they need just to keep up with the Joneses is equally toxic. In the end, we must keep true to one real parenting goal: raising kids who are satisfied with themselves and recognize the joy of others. So if your child appears to have a case of the "gimmes," always puts himself first, and isn't appreciative of what he has, it's time for a serious makeover. Start today by beginning a long-term commitment to inspire frugality, altruism, and generosity.
Emergency Attitude
Launch a short-term period of denial and deprivation to show your kid that he can actually do without having more of everything. Agree that you – and other family members – will make no nonessential purchases for an agreed-on time. For example, for younger kids, you might eliminate daily treats like candy or toys. For older kids no CDs, DVDs, cute things to wear, accessories, sport shoes, or makeup. The point is to show that constant material acquisition is an addictive habit, and you can get along perfectly well without all this stuff.
Bad Attitude Alert
Quick! Nip that greediness in the bud by starting right now to figure out how it got started.
Diagnosis
First ask yourself these questions:
Why. Why does your kid have a greedy attitude? There could be a number of causes. For instance, is there an emphasis on materialism in your home? Have his whims and desires been too easily granted? Are you bribing him with stuff every time you want him to do something or behave right? Are you bombarding him with things he doesn't need because you see your friends doing the same thing with their kids? Does she feel that the way to gain peer acceptance is by having the latest fashions or gadgets? Might it be to affirm his relationship with you? For instance, if he is jealous of a sibling or a relationship you have, when you feel guilty and give in to his wants, it "affirms" your love. Has a grandparent or other member of the family overindulged her? Why? By whom? More important, is there one thing you might do to stop it from spiraling further?
What. Are there particular things she is usually more greedy about? Does she want toys, entertainment, clothes, sports paraphernalia, computer gadgets, CDs, or cash?
Who. Does he display the same greedy attitude to everyone? Are there some individuals he does not use his greedy ways on? If so, who? Why not?
When. Is there a particular time he is greedier than others – for instance, on a particular holiday, before school starts, or his birthday? Is there a reason? Do you alleviate your guilt about being away from home, spending too much time on other people or projects, or just plain feeling bad about not being the perfect parent by buying your kid stuff, stuff, and more stuff?
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be greedy (at school or day care, home, the store, Grandma's)? Why? For instance, is Grandma an easy target for buying special treats she knows no one else will buy him?
Now review your answers. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? Do you have any better understanding of your kid's greedy attitude and where it's coming from?
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
How do you typically respond to your child's greedy demands? Think back to the last time your kid had a greedy streak. What was the issue about? Now focus on your behavior. How did you respond? Most important, did you give in to your kid's desires and let him have his way? Did you talk to him about his attitude or ignore it? Did you say, "Go ask your rich Uncle Nat?" "I'll buy you the candy if you sit in the cart and don't say one more word." "Okay, you can have that new outfit if you just start doing your homework." Did you set a consequence or warn him what would happen if he continued his greediness?
What kinds of responses have you discovered do not work in squelching your kid's greediness? Is there one thing you have learned that is not effective in dealing with this attitude? List your worst response below:
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Your kid was not born greedy, so where is she learning this behavior? Friends? You? Relatives? You're the best role model for helping your child cope with our complicated material world, so what kind of example are you setting? For instance, is he seeing you behave with restraint and wisdom? Or might he be witnessing someone who wants what she sees and buys on the whim? Seriously reflect about whether your behavior is teaching your kid to be greedier or more charitable. Here are a few questions to help you consider the kind of example you are intentionally or quite unintentionally sending your kid. Check ones that may apply to you:
Do I model fiscal prudence?
Do I buy things impulsively and then run out of money needed for more basic necessities?
Do I bribe the kids to get them to comply with normal school or household rules and responsibilities?
Do I find myself talking more about things than relationships?
Do I compare what I own to what others have? Am I competitive in always having something better than my best friend or the guy next door?
Do I go way overboard with gifts for the kids on holidays and birthdays and celebrations?
Do I buy the kids fancy stuff instead of spending time with them?
Do I always want my kid to have the newest fashion or electronic tools?
Do I cave in to my kids' consumer whims because I think it will make them more popular?
Do I go in a store and feel the need to buy something even if I know I don't need it?
Do I send the kids to expensive camps or after-school programs just because their friends are going?
Would my kid say, "It's not what you own but what you are" is true about me?
My kids frequently see me doing charitable acts toward others and would agree that charity is a value I deem important.
What is the first step you need to take in yourself to be a better example to your kids for dealing with their greedy behavior? Write down changes you need to make.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To eliminate your child's greedy attitude, take the following steps.
Step 1. Encourage Experiences that Nurture Strong Values, Skills, and Relationships
The first step to turning off kids' greed is by helping them recognize that having "stuff" does not provide emotional fulfillment. It must be replaced by a central life message: "Who you are is more important than what you have." Of course, merely reciting such lines won't change attitudes. Only through personal example and ongoing experiences that emphasize people over things and values over possessions will kids grasp the concept, and that comes only through your slow, consistent, committed effort. Begin intentionally looking for kinds of experiences that nurture strong values, skills, and relationships. Then encourage your child to try them, followed each time by helping him to see the value of the experience – for example:
"You looked as if you really enjoyed spending the day with Grandpa. He certainly loved being with you. Those are the kind of times you'll remember forever."
"Mom really appreciated your hand-made card. It's so much more meaningful than something you buy. Did you see her expression?"
Step 2. Tame The Gimmes; Then Don't Back Down
The next step to squelching your kid's greedy ways is simply not to tolerate the attitude. Always giving in to your kid's greedy desires doesn't do her any favors. Say no more often to your kid's whims and consumer demands, and do so without feeling guilty. Of course, if your kid is used to always getting what she wants, your new response will more than likely not be popular with her. So explain your concerns and the reason for your new policy, and then stick to it. Here are some other methods for taming the gimmes:
- For a younger child, set a reasonable budget for major expenses like a back-to-school wardrobe, birthday parties and presents, and holiday gifts. Stick to it and don't cave in. For an older child, give him your dollar cap, and let him be responsible for deciding how to spend it.
- Whenever possible, encourage family members to make gifts and presents instead of buying a lot of expensive stuff. Many times grandparents, other family members, teachers, and friends really appreciate something you've actually created yourself much more than a store-bought item.
- Pass your "no frills" policy onto other immediate caregivers, particularly grandparents, relatives, and your partner.
- Enlist the aid of friends and grandparents – who often delight in "spoiling" your child – by suggesting they buy only one gift at birthdays or holidays or give money for your child's education fund. The more you stick together, the more effective you will be in curbing your kid's greedy streak.
- Never bribe or reward your child with material gifts just for doing something he should have done anyway.
Television probably wields the greatest influence on fueling kids' greedy attitudes, and commercials are relentless in trying to get kids to want, want, want, and buy, buy, buy. Limit your child's exposure to TV commercials by minimizing his TV viewing. (Hint: Children's public television, while not strictly commercial free, offers quality programs with much less advertising.) And when you are watching those commercials with your kid, point out that their purpose is not altruistic. They want his money. When kids are more tuned into the advertisers' motives, they are less likely to want every little thing they see.
Step 4. Praise Charitable Deeds, and Encourage Kids To Value What They Have
Praise is one of the oldest parenting strategies, but research finds that only certain kinds really enhance behavior and changes attitudes. Psychologist Joan Grusec found that kids who were frequently praised by their mothers whenever they displayed generous behavior actually tended to be less generous on a day-to-day basis than other children. Why? More than likely, the children weren't personally committed to the trait – in this case, generosity – that their moms were praising them for. Without their moms' encouraging words, there was really no reason for them to continue doing generous actions on their own, because their good behavior was guided by social approval and not their own internal convictions. Encourage your kids' charitable actions, but be conscious of how you praise and what you say so they understand the value of the deed.
- Praise the deed, not the child. "That was so kind when you shared your toys with Mariettza."
- The praise is specific. "You were a good host in making sure everyone got the same-size piece of cake. I think everyone enjoyed the play group much more this time."
- The praise is deserved. "Grandpa loved your painting. You took such time, and he really appreciated it."
- The praise is genuine. The best reinforcement is always sincere and lets the child know exactly what she did that was right: "I know it took effort not to buy the toy, but you used good judgment when you said that you really didn't need it."
Studies find that a large percentage of kids today are wasteful when it comes to money: most want to spend rather than save. We need to help kids fight their spending urges and teach them money management skills when they are young. Here are eight ways:
- For a young child, buy a piggy bank to save coins. Make a rule that it must be filled before the money is spent.
- Give a weekly or monthly allowance (depending on age) so that she can learn to budget money.
- Make her write down her intended purchase and post it for a few days before she buys it. A younger kid can draw it on her "wish list."
- Older kids should be required to spend their own money on entertainment and nonessential items. Don't give out loans.
- Help a younger child open up a savings account and an older child a checking account so that they can monitor their money and spending.
- Require that a portion of her allowance go to a charity of her choice.
- Require a set portion of her allowance always to be saved.
- Say no to frivolous, rash buying and don't give in.
One of the best ways to curb kids' greedy attitudes is by requiring that they give to others. Begin by having your family choose a family cause. For example, give part of a weekly allowance to needy kids, adopt an orphan through Save the Children, deliver used toys (in good condition) to the fire department, or bake cookies for the lonely neighbor next door. Once your family decides on a cause, commit to carrying it out. Or give your kids their allowance and require that a portion go to a charity of their choice. That kind of hands-on giving activity can foster an attitude of giving that will help counter greediness more powerfully than almost anything else.
The First 21 Days
Embark on a Family Generosity Project, which represents the opposite of greed and reinforces more positive values that emphasize alternative ways to achieve true happiness. For example, make it a goal to give away 5 percent, 10 percent, or as much as you can of everything in your house: clothing, books, toys, tools, DVDs, CDs, and other expendable objects. Have your kids pack everything up in boxes and help you deliver them to the Salvation Army, Goodwill, Catholic Charities, or another favorite local charity. Their participation will be a big part of learning that it really is better to give than to receive.
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these six steps to help your kid become less greedy and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is less greedy and more generous.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Money Doesn't Grow on Trees, by Neale Godfrey and Carolina Edwards (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994). A parenting resource to help kids learn financial planning and bust their spendthrift urges.
The Brighter Side of Human Nature, by Alfie Kohn (New York: Basic Books, 1990). Drawing from hundreds of studies, Kohn makes a powerful case that generosity is just as natural as selfishness.
For Kids
Fly Away Home, by Eve Bunting (New York: Clarion Books, 1991). The plight of a homeless boy and his father is told in this poignant tale. The only home that Andrew and his dad have is an airport, and as Andrew's dad says, "It's warm. It's safe. And the price is right." Ages 4 to 8.
Tight Times, by Barbara Shook Hazen (New York: Puffin, 1983). A poignant tale about a boy who more than anything else wants a dog but is not allowed to get one because of "tight times." The book portrays the deep love the family feels for one another even though times are tough and Dad loses his job. Ages 4 to 9.
The Giver, by Lois Lowry (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1994). In a world without poverty or inequity, Jonas has an experience that questions every value we take for granted. This is wonderful! Ages 9 to 15.
The Marzipan Pig (Family Home Video, 1991). Adapted from the wonderful book by Russell Hoban, here are thirty moving minutes that sensitize kids to feelings (especially loneliness and kindness). A wonderful video for the family to savor.
Places in the Heart (CBS/Fox Video, 1984). This film features Sally Field in an Oscar-winning role as a young widow determined to survive as a cotton farmer during the Depression. Virtues include compassion, self-reliance, perseverance, and self-control.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
