Attitude Makeover: Judgmental
Antidote: Tolerance, Fairness, Compassion"You're stupid!"
Dear Dr. Borba,
My ten year old is so judgmental that I'm starting to be concerned. He's constantly putting others down with critical comments like, "You're such a dummy," or "Can't you do anything right?" His brothers don't want to be around him; who knows when he'll start doing the same to his friends? I'm hoping you can tell me how to turn his attitude around (or if it's even possible to do so). I'm even wondering if something else is going on that's making him so difficult.
– Joan R., a mom of three from Little Rock, Arkansas
"Books suck." "You're a dummy." "She needs a brain transplant." Judgmental kids tend to find only the inadequacies in themselves and others, and put everything and everyone down. Beneath their judgmental attitudes can be arrogance, a feeling of inadequacy, hostility, anger, or resentment. They are hypercritical and enormously frustrating, and can turn almost any event into "not fun" for one and all. Although negative attitudes used to be confined to the middle school set, even younger kids are now adopting them and can be part of the Big Brat Factor.
Make no mistake: this attitude is also rude and self-centered. That's because judgmental kids don't usually care how their criticism affects others. They are concerned only about their sense of superiority or inferiority, and their opinions, and they make sure everyone knows.
Keep in mind that kids aren't born critical: research clearly shows this attitude is learned. And today's culture bombards our youth with negative messages. Need evidence? Tune into popular musical lyrics, and notice how often you hear criticism and despair. Eavesdrop on kids' conversations, and count the number of negative comments you hear. Listen to TV sitcoms and hear the steady onslaught of put-downs. Is it any wonder that many kids are negative?
Granted, changing negative ways isn't easy, but left unchecked, this attitude will seep slowly and steadily into every arena of kids' lives and often serves to derail them from developing solid character. Judgmental attitudes are contagious and can spread quickly throughout your household. What your child needs is to replace these bad attitudes with the virtues of tolerance, fairness, and compassion. The time to start this attitude makeover is now!
Emergency Attitude
Stifle your own judgmental or critical comments. It's okay for parents to be teachers and guides, but that doesn't give you a license to condemn your kids' activities, trash their choice of friends, or dismiss their opinions. So stop making those sarcastic comments, critical observations, and barbed remarks. This kind of negative attitude can quickly become a household epidemic. Remember that quick and nasty judgments can sting and really cause emotional damage. You're the model for demonstrating constructive criticism, so start tuning into what you're saying so you can model and pass on a less judgmental attitude right away.
Bad Attitude Alert
The key to unlocking your child's judgmental mind-set is discovering it's true source. So check out the diagnosis process below and follow it step-by-step.
Diagnosis
You can develop a specific plan to help change your kid's judgmental attitude by answering these Five W's of Attitude Awareness.
Why. What is your best guess as to why your kid is so critical? Is he mimicking the attitude of others in the family? Looking for attention? Seeking to provoke a reaction? Wanting revenge? Overexposed to negative messages? Think what might be provoking his judgmental attitude. Next, eliminate more serious causes. For instance, could your child be anxious about something or suffering from low self-esteem? Talk to other adults who know your child well. Ask them if they think any of these factors could be provoking negativity.
What. Is there any particular thing your child expresses negativity about? Is there a pattern? For instance, is he more negative when it comes to schoolwork? Any particular subject? A teacher? A sport?
Who. Who are the primary recipients of his negative barbs: a sibling, cousin, friend, teacher, coach, babysitter? You? Why? Are there some individuals he does not use his negative ways on? If so, who? Why not? Are there particular situations or people who cause the negative behavior to flare up? Or is he mostly negative toward himself? Why?
When. When did the attitude start? Were there any new events that happened around the same time – a new teacher, school difficulties, relationship frictions, a hectic schedule, a family change – that might have triggered the attitude? Are there times of the day or circumstances where you don't see negativity? Why or why not? Write down any patterns you notice.
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be negative (at school, home, the store, Grandma's)? Why? Are there particular situations or places that cause the attitude to flare up?
Now take a look at your answers. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? Do you have any better understanding of your kid's judgmental attitude and where it's coming from?
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
First, ask yourself how you respond to your child's highly judgmental attitude. Could your response be stoking his negativity? Typical parental responses that provoke a judgmental attitude in kids often end in "-ing": insulting, judging, criticizing, scolding, humiliating, threatening, and yelling. If any of these fit your parenting style, how will you change your response?
Think of the last time your kid displayed his negative ways toward you. How did the episode begin? What did your kid say or do? What did you do? How did this episode end? Did any of those "-ing" parental responses enter into your interaction with your kid? Even one small change can make a big difference. Write one thing you will never do when your kid flaunts his negativity.
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Reflect on your own childhood. Did you think of yourself as a critical or constructive kind of person? Did you use words to get even, express anger, or put down others in a spiteful or arrogant way? How did your parents respond? Did it help curb your bad attitude?
How about now? Judgmental attitudes are learned. Your kid forms much of his attitude from absorbing and mimicking others. Tune into the kinds of language used in your family. Are the interactions on the whole more positive or negative? Would your family assess your household atmosphere as warm, accepting, and positive or more critical and negative? Take an honest look at family members to make sure that isn't the source. What about his friends? Neighbors? Cousins? TV? Peers? Music? Coach?
Now make a serious appraisal of your attitude and what you might be modeling to your kid. For instance, do others think of you as more affirmative or more critical? Are you moody? Occasionally cranky or hostile? Do you tend to see the good or the bad things in people? How often do you verbalize those critical messages to your kids? On the whole, do you say more positive or negative comments? What about how you interact with your kids on a day-to-day basis? Do you typically dish out more criticism or praise? Would your kids agree with your estimation?
It's time to make a commitment to replace your kid's negativity, and the starting place is by changing your own behavior. What is the first step you need to take in yourself to be a better example to your sons or daughters in dealing with their negative behavior? Write down changes you need to make.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To eliminate your kid's judgmental attitude, take the following steps.
Step 1. Dig Deeper
There may be a number of reasons for a judgmental attitude. Here are a few:
A kid may really feel confident that he knows better and is smarter than anyone else. This may be a by-product of youthful arrogance or the fact that you've made this little critter feel as though he's the center of the universe and every word from his lips is gold.
He may be overcompensating for a sense of inferiority or lack of confidence. He cuts and slashes as a defense against feeling he's inadequate.
He may be retaliating in a hostile or aggressive manner to the critical abuse he's been getting at home or in school.
He may somehow have learned to be intolerant of diverse perspectives and identities or may be unable to handle complexity or ambiguity.
He may be a part of peer culture where it is "cool" to be negative, to put down everything and everyone.
Before beginning your campaign to reverse your kid's bad attitude, take a hard look at where it's coming from.
Step 2. Accentuate The Positive
The first step to squelching your kid's negative attitude is captured in the lines of a great old song: "You have to accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative." After all, the best way to learn any new attitude is by experiencing it, so begin your kid's makeover by intentionally stressing a more positive outlook in your home so he does. Here are a few ways to do so:
- Model positive self-talk. Kids often learn negativity from listening to others, so deliberately say more positive messages out loud so your kid overhears them – for example, "I love the recipe I used today. I really liked how it turned out." "I'm proud of myself: I stuck to my 'to-do' list today and finished everything I'd planned." You may feel strange affirming yourself at first, but once you notice your kid copying the positive comments, you will overcome any hesitancy.
- Create a family covenant. One way to curb critical comments that members say to themselves or each other is to establish a moratorium against them. Gather everyone together and say, "In this family, put-downs are not allowed. They tear people down on the inside, and our job in this family is to build people up." Take a vow as a family to squelch them by creating a family care covenant that clearly spells out in writing that critical comments are not permissible in your family. After all members sign it, post it in a visible place as a concrete reminder.
- Monitor negative consumption. Tune in closer to what your kids listen to and watch: TV shows, Internet, musical lyrics, video games, and movies. How much of it is providing a negative outlook on life? Are any changes needed? If so, turn off any media that might be contributing to your kid's negativity.
- Bury put-downs. Many teachers have shared with me an activity they say is powerful in reducing classroom negativity called a "put-down funeral." The ceremony begins with the teacher asking students to write as many negative comments as they can think of on slips of paper. The comments are placed in a shoebox, and the students march solemnly to the playground, where they bury the box. The symbolic gesture clearly conveys to the class that those negative comments are buried and never to be used again. They are dead. Consider holding a put-down funeral in your back yard.
Negative kids often say so many critical comments that positive ones are temporarily misplaced, forgotten, or even lost. Sometimes kids don't feel comfortable saying positive comments because they haven't practiced them enough. Don't overlook that you might actually have to teach or reteach your kid how to be positive:
- Teach encouraging words. Start by explaining to your kid that one of the easiest ways to make the world a kinder place is by saying encouraging, caring words. You might ask, "What are words you say or you hear others say that make people smile and feel good?" Then make a poster of ideas and display it. Here are a few to get you started: "Tell me what I can do." "I enjoyed that." "Hope you feel better." "Do you need anything?" "Are you all right?"
- Institute the Two Positive Rule. Launch a strategy called the Two Positive Rule: the child must say at least two positive comments during a specified time period. You might begin in the safety of home by challenging your family every night for a week: "Everyone must say at least two positive comments before they leave the dinner table."
- Say positive comments. Encourage your kid when his friend comes over: "Remember to tell your friend at least two positive comments before he leaves." Finally, when your kid leaves your house, gently remind him of the rule: "Remember to say two positive comments today."
- Practice positive attitudes. Continue finding practice opportunities for your kid to use the rule until positive comments become a natural part of his daily speech replacing negative ones.
If your child has a consistently judgmental attitude, you may be able to temper it by confronting the content of what he's saying. Every time he makes a sweeping carte blanche judgmental statement, challenge him to prove it. At first (or with younger kids) you'll have to guide him through the process. But once he understands he must prove what he says, he'll start speaking less judgmentally.
Stage 1
Kid: All jocks are stupid.
Parent: The facts show that a number of athletes in many sports are downright brilliant.
Stage 2
Kid: Kevin is really a wimp.
Parent: So give me an instance when he's not. I can think of a few.
Kid: Okay, he swims ten laps a day.
Stage 3
Kid: I hate hip-hop music. Wait a minute, I actually like a lot of it. There's good hip-hop and bad, but the last one I bought really sucks.
Step 5. Penalize Put-Downs
If you've consistently tried other strategies and you're still hearing a steady blast of judgmental comments coming from your kid's mouth, it is time to take matters up a notch. She needs to know that a judgmental attitude can hurt. Here are three consequences appropriate for varying ages. Choose one consequence, and then consistently enforce it. Your kid must know you mean business:
- Turn negatives into positives. A great rule to combat negativity is called: "One negative = One positive." Whenever a family member says a negative comment, the sender must turn it into something positive. If your kid says, "This is stupid. Why do we have to do this?", encourage him to turn the statement into something positive: "Okay, if I clean my closet, I'll have some room." Enforcing the rule gradually diminishes negative statements – but you must be consistent.
- Issue a sincere apology. Enforce a household rule: anytime you say a hurtful, put-down comment, you must sincerely apologize to the recipient. The apology must state (1) why you are sorry, (2) how you think the recipient feels, and (3) what you will do to make amends. An example is: "I'm sorry I said you were stupid. I know it made you feel bad. I'll try not to say it again, but if I slip, I'll do your chores for a day." The apology may also be written, or young kids can draw it.
- Use a put-down jar. Create a new house rule: "Any family member who says a put-down comment must put twenty-five cents of his or her money in the jar for each offense – parents included! If you're short of money, you must work it off." Then set aside a jar and post a list of twenty-five-cent chores. When the jar fills up, the family brings it to their favorite charity.
Start a Negative Comment Countdown Plan by keeping track of every critical comment family members make around the house each day. You may be surprised at just how many put-downs, sarcastic or cynical slams, or judgmental statements are uttered on a regular basis. Then for the next twenty-one days, everyone must commit to reducing their negative messages. At first, each time anyone says a critical comment, he or she has to say a positive one. Slowly the ratio of negative to positive comments will start to change. Ideally, set a goal that by the end of the twenty-one days, everyone says at least two positive comments for every negative one. You may be surprised how this strategy alone changes your family dynamics and may dramatically decrease your kid's judgmental attitude.
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these steps to help your kid become less negative and judgmental and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is more positive and upbeat.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Positive Self-Talk for Children: Teaching Self-Esteem Through Affirmations, by Douglas Blouch (New York: Bantam Books, 1993). A wonderful guide that instructs parents, step-by-step, how to help toddlers to teens turn off the negative voice within and activate the powerful "yes" voice.
Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World, by Zig Ziglar (New York: Ballantine Books, 1996). Written by the popular motivational speaker Ziglar, this book offers sensible guidelines on raising positive, happy kids.
For Kids
Chrysanthemum, by Kevin Henkes (Hew York: Harper Trophy, 1996). Chrysanthemum always thought her name was perfect – until she started kindergarten and the kids made fun of it. A perfect book for young kids about name-calling and put-downs. Ages 4 to 8.
Positively Mother Goose, by Diane Loomans, Karen Kolberg, and Julia Loomans (New York: H. J. Kramer, 1991). These rhymes are a delightful twist on the traditional Mother Goose tales. The authors have turned the old rhymes into new positive, affirming ones. For young ones.
The Pushcart War, by Jean Merrill (New York: Dell, 1984). A satire on the garbage strike in New York City and how negativity began to spread to all. Ages 10 to 13.
The Meanest Thing to Say: Little Bill Books for Beginning Readers, by Bill Cosby (New York: Scholastic Trade, 1997). A plain wonderful way to help kids learn a lesson of a prosocial way to combat meanness and name-calling. Ages 4 to 8.
Lord of the Flies, by William Golding (Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Prentice Hall, 1959). The classic novel about a group of English schoolboys stuck on a deserted island and the destructiveness of put-downs. Ages 12 to 15.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
