Attitude Makeover: Manipulative
Antidote: Truthfulness, Integrity, Trustworthiness"If you give it to me, I'll be your best friend!"
Dear Dr. Borba,
We have an absolutely charming eleven year old. He's intelligent, good looking, and a fabulous athlete. Our concern is that he's so darn manipulative about trying to get his way. Every issue turns into a battle of wits, and it's us against him: he twists our words, pretends he's helpless, blames others, and basically wears us down until he wins. He's so good at coming up with excuses that we can't figure out when he's telling the truth. We're beginning to feel as if we're on one of those reality survival shows, and we're losing! Any tips?
– Manuel B., a father from Phoenix, Arizona
"Dad said I could." "The teacher didn't tell me." "You don't love me." "I promise I'll do it tomorrow." "My stomach hurts: I can't go to school." Manipulative kids have only one objective: to get things to go their way. And they will stop at almost nothing to maintain their candidacy in the Big Brat Factor Hall of Fame. Excusing, blaming, fibbing, threatening, and guilt tripping are just a few of the devices they resort to. And can they wear you out!
But what's really going on here? Are these manipulative critters just young psychopaths in the making? At times you may think so. But do keep in mind one key point: these kids were not born scheming, plotting, lying, and strategizing. They learned those devices as ways to get what they want. And once their ploy succeeds, look out! It is stored in their growing arsenal of manipulative tactics with almost one certain guarantee: it will be used again . . . and again . . . and again – but only, only, only if you allow it to.
Learning the craft of manipulation is never acquired overnight, and a manipulator's tactics do not start out so cunning, sophisticated, and devious. In fact, first attempts are often quite crude and usually unintentional. They pretend to be sick, they claim to be helpless, or they hold out for some unreasonable reward – and much to their surprise, it works! Through trial and error, even the youngest cherub learns what buttons to push on each loved one and figures out who are the easy marks.
For instance, a three year old learns that meltdowns are amazingly effective in getting Mom to buy her a toy. A five year old quickly recognizes that affectionate embraces and sugarcoated charm work wonders to get Dad to say yes. A seven year old realizes that comments like "You don't love me" slung just at the right moment are fabulous for spinning Mom's parental guilt into acquiescence. They beg Dad to please, please, please do their science project, and what do you know, he does it. So their little fibs become bigger lies; off-the-cuff excuses turn into devious explanations; blame games become more elaborate; and the web of deception grows bigger and wider. Meanwhile, the kid becomes better skilled and proficient as a con artist. Ah, just what you always dreamed of raising.
In fact, let's give these kids some credit: manipulators are very ingenious at finding ways to get what they want. They alter rules to go their way, bend values to fit their schema, take advantage of situations to meet their needs, and depend on you or anyone else to take on their responsibilities. They can stop at nothing to make the world turn the way they want it to, and so they are also selfish, rude, and very self-centered.
These kids are difficult and tough to live with. They can turn your words into mush, exhaust you to tears, and make you wonder if there's an ounce of intelligence left in your head. They're that good in their manipulative ways! But letting them win is disastrous, and for a number of reasons. For starters, manipulative attitudes squelch kids' ability to manage life's ups and downs. That's because they take great pains to avoid whatever ails them (be it frustrations, fear, work, relationships). So instead of learning ways to cope, they take the easier path and shirk their troubles. Doing so stifles their potential for developing self-reliance, resilience, and self-esteem. Nor do devious, dishonest, scheming tactics enhance kids' ethical development. In fact, manipulative attitudes are absolutely lethal to a kid's character. Each deception rips a little more from their conscience and moral growth. Finally, there's the obvious: a manipulative kid can destroy family harmony, a parent's trust, and everyone's peace of mind.
Where is this behavior coming from? Start by looking at your own reaction to your child. You may have brought up your kid to depend on bribes, assume you'll jump in to do all the heavy lifting, blame everyone else when something goes wrong. He may also have observed your own manipulative behavior, like breaking promises to him or acting in an insincere or devious way yourself. Or he may have watched family friends and peers being manipulative at home, in school, or at work. Or it may even arise from his deep feelings of insecurity, distrust, shame, or fear of failure.
So stop being manipulated. In fact, what are you waiting for? Begin the campaign to replace this bad attitude with truthfulness, integrity, and trustworthiness. Start this makeover now.
Emergency Attitude
From this moment on, change your behavior, call the manipulation for what it is, and absolutely refuse to give in, regardless of what your kid is trying to obtain or accomplish. You're right, it won't be easy; in fact, it could be exhausting. But remember one thing: manipulators must rely on someone else for their ploys to win. It takes two for a manipulation to occur. For his scheme to succeed, another person must believe his fib or his make-believe helplessness, write his excuse, accept the blame, buy into the guilt, or just plain wear down and acquiesce. Take a solid vow that you will not be used as a pawn in your child's manipulative games. Then pass that message onto anyone and everyone he's been taking advantage of so you're all on board together and his attitude stops.
Bad Attitude Alert
Gear up for this makeover by contemplating why your kid is manipulative, and how it plays out in your home.
Diagnosis
Answer these questions to help you consider why your child is using this manipulative attitude and what he is gaining from it.
Why. There are many reasons that kids may be manipulative, dependent, and blaming others, but the central issue usually revolves around trying to avoid something or someone. What could your child be trying to avoid: work, humiliation, fear or pain, possible failure, jeopardizing a relationship, punishment, losing your approval or love, coping with an insecurity or anxiety, taking responsibility? What is your best guess as to why your kid is manipulative?
What. Are there particular issues or things about which he usually is more prone to using manipulative ways: doing his chores or homework; taking a bath, eating dinner, or brushing his teeth; going to bed alone or on time; practicing violin or a sport; going to school, day care, or the babysitter's; or going to the dentist or doctor?
Who. Manipulative kids are great at figuring out who will cave in to their devices. So who are the individuals most likely to fall under your kid's manipulative ways? The babysitter? Day care worker? Teacher? A relative: cousin, aunt or uncle, grandparent? Coach? A friend, classmate, or peer? A sibling? You? Your spouse? And who are those he doesn't use his manipulative antics around, and why not? A big clue is how those individuals respond to your kid's ploys.
When. Is there a particular time of day, week, or month he is more manipulative? Is there a reason? For instance, does it show up every Saturday morning at ten o'clock when, coincidentally, it's the time that family chores are to be done? Or does it show up almost like clockwork every night around eight o'clock when she gets clingy and demanding (and it's also bedtime)? You might even want to track his manipulative ploys on a calendar; usually there is a pattern. Maybe report cards are due, the piano recital is coming up, or it's her turn to stay at Dad's. Look for a pattern.
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be manipulative (at school or day care, home, the store, piano lessons, on the soccer field)? Why? Does she tend to win at certain places? Does she pull out the charm at the store, so you will buy her the toy? Does he throw a fit at hockey practice because he wants you to take him home? Does she fake a stomachache during the piano lesson because she hates it? There is a reason, so try to discern it. What might your kid be trying to avoid?
Review your answers carefully. It also helps to compare notes with others who know your child well. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? Do you have any better awareness of this attitude and where your child's manipulative attitude is coming from? Is there anything you can do to remedy it? Write down any thoughts.
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
Think about the last few times your kid employed his manipulative schemes on you. What tactic did he use? What was the issue about? And most important, how did you respond? Did you threaten or scold? Argue? Plead, coax, or bribe him to act right? Ignore him and hope the attitude would go away? Tell another adult to deal with it?
Did you address his manipulative attitude at all and make him accountable? If so, how did that happen? Did you make him apologize? Did you encourage him to admit he was quite capable of doing whatever it was himself? Make him do what he was trying to avoid? Ground him or remove a privilege? Was it effective in squelching his attitude or not? Why? Or did you give in to his manipulative tactic and let him win? If so: Did you write an excuse? Do his responsibility? Blame the person? Let him off the hook? Sympathize? Why did you give in? What did your kid learn from your giving in?
Manipulative kids are great at recognizing what works so the manipulated parent gives up and once again they get their way. So what has your kid learned about you? How is he able to push your buttons so you finally acquiesce? Does he play on your impatience? Your desire to pump up his confidence? Has he learned your weakness for his self-pity, his charm, or his posture of helplessness? Might it be that he can recognize when you're on overload: if he keeps it up a little longer, he figures he'll just wear you out? You just don't have the energy to deal with it? Or do you believe him (or want to believe him)? Could it be that you want to save face before he pulls his antics in front of others? You're afraid you'll harm his self-esteem? You don't think it's worth jeopardizing your relationship with your kid?
What is the one response you know does not work? Write it so you will remember to never use it again.
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Did you ever manipulate your parents? Of course, you did, but how much and over what issues? For example, was it over a missed curfew, a bad grade, going somewhere without permission, blaming your little sister for something you did, or avoiding a music lesson, schoolwork, recital, or doing chores? What tactics did you use? For instance, did you fib, use your charm, debate them to death, feign helplessness, play one parent against the other, aim for their sympathy? Did they ever call your bluff? Which parent was the easier mark? Which parent was tougher to manipulate? Why? What were their hot buttons that if you pushed enough, they'd give in?
What about now? Do you ever try manipulating a situation at home or work so it comes out in your favor? Who are you most likely to try to manipulate? Your kids? Spouse? Colleagues? Friends? Relatives? What tactics are you most likely to use? Bribe or threaten your kids to comply? Blame your boss? Tell white lies? Fake illness, a headache, or fatigue to get out of something? Use anger, threats, or guilt? Do the targets ever see through you? How far will you carry out your deception?
What kind of manipulative interactions are you noticing between yourself and others? What about between your spouse and you? Between your children and you? Make a list of those interactions. Next, try to identify what the real issue is that you are trying to hide from in each situation. Is it work, change, pain, loss of power, or a confrontation? What are you really trying to avoid that is causing you to use manipulation tactics? Which of those fears are legitimate? Which ones should you be facing instead of avoiding?
And just why are you allowing your kid to manipulate you? Are you thinking it is just a phase (that your kid will grow out of)? Might your kid be learning to be manipulative because you are afraid to take charge and say no? If so, why? Do you want to minimize your kid's stress? Think it might hinder his self-esteem? Fear your relationship with your child might be jeopardized? Feel guilty because you don't always have the time you wish to spend with your child? Worry that it may somehow taint his childhood memories? When you realize you're being manipulated, do you say nothing for fear of confronting a difficult situation, hurting your kid's feelings, spoiling your best-pals relationship, or embarrassing your kid by telling the painful truth? Well don't feel alone; lots of parents do this all the time. The key to change is that first honest admission and then committing yourself to that change.
What is the first step you need to take in yourself to be a better example to your kids? Write it down, and then commit yourself to doing it.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
Take the following steps to squelch your child's manipulative attitude.
Step 1. Recognize Your Kid's Manipulative Tactics
Here are a few of the most common manipulation tactics kids use to get their way. Check ones that apply to your child:
Lies. "I left it on the bus." "I did it already." "My friend borrowed it."
Plays one adult off the other. "Dad would let me." "But Mom said it was okay."
Makes excuses. "The teacher didn't tell me." "I thought it was Sally's job."
Shifts blame. "How am I supposed to get a good grade – my teacher is bad." "Go yell at the coach, not me. It's not my fault." "Don't blame me. You should have told me you were going to ground me."
Uses affection or charm. "I love you so much, Mom. I really will try harder." "Sorry Dad, I forgot. How about a hug?"
Pretends to be helpless. "I just can't do it, Dad. Pleeeeease can you help me?"
Uses guilt. "If you were around more to help, I'd be getting better grades." "You're the worst parent in the whole world." "All the other parents let their kids do it."
Fakes a physical ailment. "I have a stomachache . . . headache." "I'm so tired . . . sick."
Uses self-pity. "I can't do it!" "It's too hard!" "Everyone will laugh at me."
Employs blackmail. "If you let me stay out late tonight, I'll do it." "What'll I get?"
Gives the silent treatment. Is moody, mopes, pouts, doesn't smile, withdraws.
Exploits emotions. Uses tears, hysterical crying; trembles, clings, pleads.
Verbally threatens. "If you don't, I'll . . . [tell Dad, run away, not love you anymore, never do my work] as long as I live."
Verbal tirades. Wears you down with arguments and verbal battles.
Uses aggressive behaviors. Has tantrums, bites, hits, rants, punches, or has other outbursts.
Knows your hot buttons. Waits until you're exhausted to ask. Knows when you're so busy you don't have time to talk things through.
Other:
Once you recognize the most common tactics your kid uses to get his way, you will be able to spot it each time and stop it in its tracks. Be sure to pass on your findings to those other important caregivers in your kid's life so you are all on board in curbing his manipulative ways.
Step 2. Get To The Real Purpose Of The Attitude
There are two parts to the next makeover step. First, you must discover what's really behind your kid's manipulative attitude and why she needs to be deceptive. The best way to figure this out is by reviewing which boxes you checked in Step 1. Next, ask yourself if there is any pattern. There are many reasons kids are manipulative, but the usual cause is to escape from something unpleasant. Another possibility is that the child is just plain selfish and manipulates others to get what she wants. Check possibilities that apply to your kid:
Avoiding humiliation. She is saving face from possible failure or embarrassment.
Fear of jeopardizing a relationship. She is concerned about her image with peers.
Avoiding punishment. She is escaping possible punishment if her actions are discovered.
Not wanting to lose approval. She is afraid of losing the approval or love of someone she cares about.
Authentic lack of skills and experience. You've been doing so much for this little sucker that now she hasn't the ability to do it on her own.
Insecurity, fear, or anxiety. The situation causes her anxiety, so she is avoiding it.
Avoiding responsibility. She is avoiding taking responsibility or being accountable for her actions.
Not wanting to work. She is avoiding work, chores, or practice that she doesn't want to do.
Being selfish. This is the way to get what he wants or have things go his way.
Other:
Compare your notes with others who know your kid well, and then write down your best guess as to the real purpose of her deceptive attitude. You will use it in the next step. Meanwhile, from this moment on, any time your kid tries to sway you with this or any other manipulative tactic, immediately stop her in her tracks. That means in public as well as in your home. The next step shows you how. Her attitude cannot be allowed for any reason.
Step 3. Expose The Underlying Deception
Once you recognize your kid's manipulative tactics and underlying purpose, let him know you're onto him. As soon as you see him starting to be manipulative, stop him on the spot (and that means anywhere you are – in a restaurant, on a soccer field, in a supermarket, or in your family room). If he is agitated or losing control, do wait until he is calm enough to talk. For a younger kid, this might mean sitting him next to you for a brief period or putting him in a quiet area until he can settle down. For an older kid, ask him to go to his room a few minutes, or tell him you will wait in another room until he is in control. Only then should you confront your kid with his deception and your theory as to why he is using it. Use a calm, firm voice, and stick to the facts. Cut out judgments, lengthy sermons, and admonitions ("You keep this up, you'll end up in juvenile detention"): they are never helpful. Here are a few examples:
"I've noticed that every time it's your turn for sharing, you say you have a headache. Do you feel a little scared about talking in front of your class?"
"I saw how you pulled that tantrum as soon as we got to the toy section and you saw those cars. You did the same thing with Dad last week." A young kid will not be able to explain, so just jump to the chase: "Throwing a fit to get what you want will not work."
"Every time Mrs. Castro carpools, you can't seem to find your backpack so I end up driving you. What's going on so you don't want to be in Mrs. Castro's car?"
"You've been pretending that you can't lift your toy box to that upper shelf. But I've seen you stand on a chair to get down that heavy box of video games. I don't want to hear any more about being so helpless."
"Each time you get red-carded by the umpire for your poor sportsmanship, you blame someone else. How can your teammate be the cause of your tripping an opponent? You are responsible for your own actions, and you are the one getting red-carded."
A few words of caution: First, don't ask your kid to explain why he is deceptive. He honestly may not know. Manipulators (especially younger ones) usually don't calculate their attitudes; they just respond to the situation. Older kids often act out of a habit that just kicks in automatically. Also, don't expect a profound ethical discussion to take place between the two of you. It would be nice, but chances are it won't happen. After all, you are confronting your kid about his devious, dishonest ways, so he is likely to be embarrassed, deny the charges, or flat-out refuse to listen. Your goal here is to have your kid hear you out and let him know in no uncertain terms that the attitude will not be tolerated. Do make sure other potential manipulated victims are aware of your kid's tactics and the new policy so you're on board together.
Step 4. Help Kids Face Their Fears, Not Avoid Them Through Manipulation
If your child is using manipulation to avoid something causing anxiety or fear, don't be too quick to let her off the hook. First, think things through. If she is capable of the task and the expectation is fair and reachable, then do not give in. That would be a huge mistake. Instead, insist that she face her fear. A big part of life is learning how to cope, and childhood is the best time to learn how.
Do not dismiss your child's fear or punish her for it. The fear is very real. Instead, comfort her by acknowledging that you understand how she feels. Then let her know you believe in her and are confident she can succeed. Be very clear that you will not rescue her, but will help her cope until she prevails. Here are a few ideas to help her face her fears without manipulating her way out:
- Recognize feelings. "I know it seems hard, but you can do it." "I know how apprehensive you feel, but I'm here for you."
- Teach coping skills. Teach her a few healthy ways to deal with her anxiety, such as saying a statement inside her head to help her handle the stress: "Chill out, calm down." "I can do this." "It's nothing I can't handle." Teach her to close her eyes and slowly breathe in and out three times. Or ask her to think of a place she has been where she feels calm – for instance, the beach, her bed, the park. When anxiety kicks in, tell her to close her eyes and imagine that spot, while breathing slowly.
- Model accepting blame. Help your kid learn how to accept blame for her actions. Start by admitting your own shortcomings so your kids have a model to copy – for example: "This was all my fault: I should have read the movie section before dragging you here to find out the show started thirty minutes ago." Then expect your family to take ownership for their mistakes and not pass the blame onto others.
- Arrange tutoring. Does she need special help to improve? If so, arrange it.
- Rehearse the skill. New skills take lots of practice, so rehearse them over and over until your child gains the confidence to demonstrate the skill in front of others.
- Celebrate little steps. Acknowledge each little effort your child makes along the way, and then celebrate her successes both big and little.
Beware: Confronting kids with their deceptions long after the fact ("Your teacher last year said you had cheated" or "Remember when you lied to me about your chores last month?") is useless. For consequences to be effective in curbing bad attitudes, they must be enforced immediately and fit the crime. I always think the best consequences are ones that also right the kid's wrong. With that said, here are some consequences that help kids tune up their moral attitudes, face their wrongdoing, as well as learn that manipulation is not acceptable:
"If you take something, you will return it to the owner with an apology."
"If you break something, you will pay for it out of your earned money."
"If you are dishonest, you owe the person a sincere apology as an admission of your wrongdoing."
"If you got out of a responsibility through deception [such as practice or a chore], you owe that time by doing that practice or chore."
Don't expect your manipulator to immediately get the connection between the enforced consequence and the moral message you're trying to instill. He will in time. Right now, a manipulator needs to recognize that any time he commits an ethical infraction (such as a dishonest, manipulative act), he must make face his wrong and try to make things right. If he doesn't get it at first, he will eventually because you will continue to hold him accountable.
The First 21 Days
Immediately begin a No Excuse, No Blame Policy in your home. Manipulators rarely accept responsibility – it's always someone else's fault, they think, and so they make up excuses and fault others for their oversights. "How am I supposed to remember? It's your fault." "The coach didn't tell me." "The teacher should have reminded me." Don't allow it. Instead announce that the new operating premise in your home will always be honesty and accountability. Here's how to begin:
- Gather the masses and state your policy: "From this moment on, no excuses or blaming others are allowed. Everyone is responsible for his or her own actions, duties, work, and schedule." Be really clear on this one: you will not rescue, write an excuse, or do their tasks.
- Brainstorm the most common issues that cause you, your partner, or the kids to make up excuses and blame others for. A typical list might include: "forgotten" dentist appointments, chores, video rentals, oboe practice, school testing days, homework, and money for lunches.
- Make a chart, checklist, or schedule so everyone is clear on their responsibilities, and kids (and parents) can't use manipulative tactics like excuses or blaming others if they "forgot." Post it on the refrigerator so everyone sees it, and you can refer to it as "proof" when needed. Picture charts can be substituted for younger manipulators. Here are a few ideas:
Charts. List chores, expectations, and rules.
Calendars. Write personal schedules (appointments, homework schedules, practices, recitals, parties, events, library book due notices). Consider purchasing a weekly or monthly calendar printed on a white board. You can then write on it again and again with washable pens.
Contracts. Put behavior agreements and consequences for manipulation infractions in writing. All relevant parties should sign it.
Refrigerator magnets. Purchase one magnet per family member. Any special events, notices, or reminders are then clipped to the magnet and remain visibly on the refrigerator. Hint: Sometimes the best reminder is a single word written on a note card and attached to the magnet: "Chores." "Homework."
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these steps to stop your kid's manipulative attitude and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is less manipulative and more honest and forthright.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines that follow. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids, by E. W. Swihart Jr. and Patrick Cotter (New York: Bantam Books, 1998). If your kid is ruling your household, this is the book for you. A pediatrician and a child psychologist offer effective tools from their clinically proven program for blocking manipulative behavior and getting kids back on track.
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, by George K. Simon Jr. (Little Rock, Ark.: A. J. Christopher, 1996). Simon reveals the common tactics manipulators like to use and tells you how to respond to them.
Stop Negotiating with Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody, or Depressed Adolescent, by Janet Sasson Edgette (New York: Perigee Books, 2002). A therapist offers practical strategies for parents who don't know where to turn when dealing with a sullen, withdrawn, or sarcastic and manipulative teen.
"Trust Me, Mom – Everyone Else Is Going!" The New Rules for Mothering Adolescent Girls, by Roni Cohen-Sandler (New York: Penguin Books, 2002). Great sound advice when your adolescent (or preadolescent) wants to put a manipulative guilt trip on you.
For Kids
It's Not My Fault, by Franz Brandenburg (New York: Morrow, 1980). Although the mice siblings quarrel and blame each other, they miss each other terribly when apart. Ages 3 to 7.
Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine, by Evaline Ness (Austin, Tex.: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1966). "Mistruths" get out of hand. The main character must deal with her manipulative deceptions and their harmful consequences. Ages 3 to 7.
One-Eyed Cat, by Paula Fox (New York: Bradbury, 1984). Disobeying his father, a boy takes a rifle and shoots a stray cat. Though he tries at first to wheedle his way out of taking responsibility for his actions, guilt finally sets in, and he tells the truth. Ages 8 to 12.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
