Attitude Makeover: Selfish
Antidote: Selflessness, Generosity, Consideration"Me . . . me . . . me."
Dear Dr. Borba,
Okay, I admit it. Somewhere I made a huge parenting mistake. I always tried to put my kids first and give into their every little whim. I guess I wanted to make sure they were happy and had great self-esteem. Well, my plan backfired big time! I now have two selfish sons who think they rule the world. Is it too late to change their behavior? Help!
– Judy B., a mom of two from Ann Arbor, Michigan
If you think self-centered and selfish kids are on the rise, you're right. National surveys show most parents feel they're raising selfish kids. Kids don't arrive in this world with all the symptoms of the Big Brat Factor. Research shows that our children are born with the marvelous gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those virtues, they will lie dormant.
Sure, younger tykes are self-centered and egocentric, but most shift into the other-centered phase with experience and guidance. The problem is that unless we help stretch them into thinking about others' thoughts and feelings, many get locked into self-centeredness. One thing is for sure: selfish kids are no joy to have around. They always wants things their way, put their needs and concerns ahead of others, and rarely stop to consider other people's feelings. And that's because they want you to believe that their feelings are more important than the feelings and needs of others.
The obvious reason that kids are selfish is that we've spoiled them by indulging in their every whim out of guilt or the misguided perception that good parenting is all about giving. Do you have a Little Princess or Prince in your house who feels entitled to luxury and privilege? Of course, there are some other potential reasons for this bad attitude. Your child may be expressing underlying feelings of neglect, jealousy, or inadequacy. He may be trying to satisfy needs for love and attention that have been previously ignored. And remember that some kids can't think about others because they're struggling to survive the emotional pain of their everyday lives.
So let's roll up our sleeves to squelch this obnoxious bad attitude, and make sure our kids have the virtues of selflessness, generosity, and consideration.
Emergency Attitude
Change your kid's "me . . . me . . . me" attitude to "you . . . you . . . you." Teach empathy. The best cure for selfishness is to help kids feel what someone else is feeling. Choose a particularly offensive selfish act and play Pretend to Be Me. Here's how you could use it:
Suppose you fell asleep reading the paper on the couch after an exhausting day. Your little critter suddenly jumps on you, bounces up and down, and wants to play horsey. When you plead for mercy and a few more minutes of much-needed rest, she cannot understand how you could possibly not want to satisfy her desire. Tell her you have a new game called Pretend to Be Me. Have her put on your shoes, lie down on the couch, close her eyes, and pretend to be asleep after a very hard day at work. Tell her, "You're very tired and worn out." When she looks really relaxed, create an annoying loud noise and shake the couch as if you're jumping on her. Then say, "How do you feel? What would you like to say to me? Can you feel how I felt when you asked me to play horsey?" The trick is to help her think about you instead of herself.
Suppose you're waiting up late for an older kid out past his curfew. He finally comes back two hours late and can't understand why you're so upset. You get out of your chair and say, "Okay, sit in my seat. Keep watching that clock over there; now look at the door, now at the phone that should have called to tell me where you are, or ringing from the police about some accident you got into. How do you feel? Now do you understand why I'm upset?"
Bad Attitude Alert
Pull out the stops. Start reversing your kid's selfish attitude now.
Diagnosis
Begin with the five questions below.
Why. Why does your kid have this attitude? Has she always been treated as if the world revolves around her? Has he learned that he is going to get his way if he keeps at you long enough? Have you been ignoring him because his selfish attitude is so obnoxious or embarrassing? What do you think is the root cause in the way your family works or doesn't work that motivates this selfishness? Are you neglecting your child or being too judgmental or demanding? Might he be craving your love and approval? Or have you put so much time and energy into just this little person that he thinks the whole world revolves only around him? What is fueling this attitude, and why do you suppose your kid continues using it?
What. Are there particular issues or things he is more selfish over? Is this about wanting stuff, wanting his way, needing more attention, feeling he "deserves" it, being jealous or resentful of siblings?
Who. Does he display the same selfish behavior to everyone or just some individuals? For instance, is he this way only with his siblings or younger kids, his friends or peers, certain relatives, or Dad or Mom? Are there some folks he does not use his selfish ways on? If so, who are they? Why are they spared?
When. Is there a particular time of day, week, or month he is more demanding? Is there a reason? Is it around the holidays? Back to school? Summer? Vacations? Birthday? Report card time? Are you seeing any pattern of when your kid is most selfish, or does he display the same attitude all the time?
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be selfish? How does he act when he goes shopping with you? What about at a restaurant, the movies, day care or school, or a certain relative's? If you notice that he is selfish in some place more than others, why? What is so different about the location that triggers the attitude?
Now take a look at your answers. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? Do you have any better understanding of your kid's selfish attitude and where it's coming from?
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
Talk to your friends. Are they seeing the same kinds of selfish behaviors in their kids? What are they doing (if anything) to halt their kids' selfishness? Are there individuals your child is not selfish around? What responses are they using that is causing your kid not to try his antics with them?
Try to identify the last incident when your kid was selfish. Did you give in and buy what she wanted? Lecture her? Set a consequence? Ignore the attitude? Is this how you typically react to your kid's selfish streak? And how did your kid react to your response?
Write down the one thing you will never do again.
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Think about when you grew up. Do you think your childhood friends were as selfish as the generation of kids today? What might be contributing to the rise of selfishness? How are you contributing to it?
Kids are not born selfish and inconsiderate, so where is your kid learning the attitude? Could it be from your behavior? How well are you modeling selflessness to your kid? Is your example teaching her to be selfless and giving or greedy, self-centered, and inconsiderate? Are you ever accused of being selfish? Why? Which do you feel is more important: what you have or who you are? How would your kid answer that question about you?
What about your own parenting? Is there anything you might be doing to exacerbate your kid's selfishness? Here are some issues to consider: Are you compensating for a lack of material or emotional generosity you experienced in childhood? Are you lax on limits because you want your kid to like you? Do you indulge your kid's whims hoping it might improve your relationship? Do you give in to your kid's cries, whines, pouts, demands (or whatever antics used) because it's just "easier"? Do you sometimes feel guilty for not spending enough time with your kids so you buy them things to alleviate your guilt?
How important to you are the virtues of selflessness and charity? Do you share those beliefs in your walk and talk to your kids? How much emphasis is placed on philanthropy and giving in your family? Would your kids agree with your verdict?
What is the first step you need to take to fight selfishness in yourself as an example to your sons or daughters? Write down changes you need to make.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To eliminate your kid's selfish ways, take the following steps.
Step 1. Go Beneath The Surface
Here are some common and less apparent reasons that may be contributing to your child's selfish attitude. Check off the ones that apply to you:
You're spoiling the kid for bad reasons of your own (for example, guilt, compensation, avoidance, "love").
You don't treat discipline and setting limits as a high priority in your parenting.
You or another adult member of your family is modeling selfishness.
Your kid is feeling neglected.
Your kid is jealous of a partner or sibling.
Your kid resents how much you indulge yourself with luxuries and privileges.
Your child has never been taught the value of selflessness.
Your child has poor emotional intelligence and has difficulties identifying or understanding other people's emotions.
Your child is angry, anxious, or depressed or having some other problem that makes it difficult for him to think of others.
Other:
Review this list carefully, pick out the ones that most apply to your family, and start focusing on each problem with the appropriate steps below or elsewhere in this book.
Step 2. Censor Selfishness
A major step in squelching your kid's selfish attitude is simply not tolerating it. It won't be easy, especially if your kid is used to having his every whim catered to. But if you really are serious about changing this attitude, you must stand firm and be consistent. Start by clearly laying down your new attitude expectations: "In this house, you are always to be considerate of others." Then loudly state your disapproval each and every time your child acts selfishly. Be sure to state why his behavior was wrong, and if the selfish attitude continues, consider applying consequences – for example:
"That was selfish: I expect you to treat your friends the same way you'd want to be treated."
"I'm very concerned when I see you monopolizing all the video games and not sharing them with your friend. You may not treat people selfishly."
Step 3. Nurture Empathy To Decrease Selfishness
Kids who are empathic can understand where other people are coming from because they can put themselves in their shoes and feel how they feel. And because they can "feel with" someone else, they are more generous, unselfish, and caring. So nurture your child's empathy to help him see beyond himself and into the views of others. Here are three ways to do so:
- Point out other's emotions. Pointing out the facial expressions, posture, and mannerisms of people in different emotional states as well as their predicaments helps kids tune into other people's feelings. As occasions arise, explain your concern and what clues helped you make your feeling assessment: "Did you notice Lily's face when you were playing today? I was concerned because she seemed worried about something. Maybe you should talk to her to see if she's okay."
- Imagine someone's feelings. Help your kid imagine how the other person feels about a special situation: "Pretend you're a new student and you're walking into a brand-new school and don't know anyone. How will you feel?" Asking often, "How would you feel?" helps kids understand the feelings and needs of other people.
- Ask often, "How does the other person feel?" Look for daily situations that could nurture empathy. Then pose questions using that situation to help guide your child to consider how the person feels – for example:
Parent: Mom has had a long, hard day at the office. How do you think she feels?
Child: Kind of tired.
Parent: So what could you do to make her feel better?
Child: I guess I could turn down my TV, so it's not so loud.
Parent: That's a great idea! It would be a nice way to let Mom know you're thinking about her.
One reason kids become selfish is that they are used to getting their way. Don't let them get away with that. Set clear limits, and then stick to them like glue. Don't give in to whining, pouting, tantrums, and guilt-laced admonishments of "You're the worst parent in the world!" This might be hard if you think your main role is to be your kid's best friend. Reset your thinking. See yourself as the adult, and recognize that hundreds of child development studies conclude that kids whose parents set clear behavior expectations turned out less selfish. You may have to have a serious talk with other caregivers in your kid's life who are guilty of overindulging. Let them know in no uncertain terms you are serious about curbing your kid's selfish attitude around and must have their cooperation to do so.
Step 5. Reinforce Selfless Acts
Parents who raise selfless, caring kids don't do so by accident. They intentionally make sure that their kids are aware of the rights, feelings, and needs of others. This means you need to fight the tendency to make your child feel as though the world revolves around him. You'll be much more pleased with the outcome: a more considerate, caring kid.
One of the fastest ways to increase selflessness is by "catching" your kid doing considerate and unselfish acts. Always remember to describe the deed so she clearly understands the virtue and point out the impact it had on the recipient. That will also help her be more likely to repeat the same generous deed another time:
"Did you see Charlotte's smile when you shared your toys? You made her happy."
"Thanks for taking time to ask me how my day went."
"Thanks for giving your CDs to your brother. I know you don't listen to rap anymore, but he just loves it."
The First 21 Days
Commit yourself to an FSD (Family Selfless Deeds) project to help your kids recognize what a difference their unselfish acts can make. Here are some ideas for this project:
- Give part of your allowance to charity. Start a new rule: a portion of weekly allowance must be set aside for charity. Even young kids can put away a portion of their allowance or gift money to give to a good cause. Some families require kids to divide their earned allowance into three categories: money to spend, save, and donate to charity.
- Do a family sacrifice. Give everyone in the family a big cardboard box and ask them to fill it with give-aways, including a few things they really care about, like favorite articles of clothing, toys, books, DVDs, or CDs. Then have your kids help you deliver the boxes – which can be colorfully decorated by younger kids – to your favorite charity.
- Play the Gift of Time Game. Everyone in the family puts their name in a hat and then blindly pulls one out. For the next twenty-one days, each family member commits to spending an age-appropriate amount of time devoted to the chosen person. For example, they can do that person's chore, help him or her complete some project, play a game, or just hang out together. It's the time spent that counts.
- Graduate to anonymous benevolence. The highest level of selflessness is giving away material goods or your precious time without anyone knowing it was you who did it. There is no recognition or rewards. You do it because it's right. This kind of attitude is the ultimate goal of parenting.
How will you use these steps to help your kid become less selfish and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is less demanding and more considerate.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines that follow. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Wimpy Parents: From Toddler to Teen: How Not to Raise a Brat, by Kenneth N. Condrell (New York: Warner Brothers, 1998). Expounds on the dangers of overly permissive parenting.
Spoiled Rotten: Today's Children and How to Change Them, by Fred G. Gosman (New York: Warner Books, 1993). A convincing statement of how spoiling kids is hurtful and specific advice on how to undo the harm.
Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Dan Kindlon (New York: Talk Miramax, 2001). A solid testament of the dangers of overprotecting and overindulging our kids.
The Moral Intelligence of Children, by Robert Coles (New York: Random House, 1997). Thorough and research-based ideas on how to raise a moral, unselfish child.
For Kids
Me First, by Helen Lester (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1995). Pinkerton Pig is pushy and greedy but overcomes his selfishness when he learns that being first isn't always the best. Ages 2 to 4.
The Selfish Giant, by Oscar Wilde (New York: Putnam, 1995). A wonderful tale about a once selfish giant whose heart finally melts when he helps a small boy. Ages 5 to 8.
Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry (New York: Dell, 1989). Based on the true, compassionate story of a young Danish girl who displays the epitome of selflessness: she sacrifices her life to save her friend from the Nazis. Ages 9 to 12.
Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck (New York: Penguin, 1993). Explores the friendship between two stirring characters: mentally handicapped and warm-hearted Lenny and his protector, George. Heartbreaking moments depicting a world that can sometimes be cruel and selfish make for ripe moral discussions. The movie version of Steinbeck's book is also highly recommended (MGM, 1992). For teenagers.
The Kids Can Help Book, by Suzanne Logan (New York: Perigee Books, 1992). A wonderful compilation of ways kids can volunteer and make a difference in the world with their unselfishness. Ages 8 to 13.
Whipping Boy, by Sid Fleischman (New York: Harcourt, 1993). Young self-centered Prince Brat runs away with his whipping boy in this briskly told tale of high adventure that won the Newbery Medal. Ages 10 to 13.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
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