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Behavior Makeover Basics

Taking the Plunge

"Am I doing enough, or did I do too much?"
"Was I too hard, or should I be stricter?"
"May I should have grounded him. Who knows? Why won't he behave?"

Raising kids is never easy, and especially so these days. We lie awake agonizing over our parenting skills and questioning our choices. But there are a few secrets that will make parenting less stressful and help our kids act the way we want.

The most important discipline secret is this: Behavior is learned, which means bad behaviors can be unlearned. Think about it. Kids aren't born obnoxious, rude, defiant, bossy, or selfish. They learn those behaviors. Then the behaviors help them get what they want, so they continue using them.

Keep in mind this critical point: bad behaviors typically don't just go away. To get rid of them, someone has to intervene, and that someone is you. Just telling your kid to stop doing a bad behavior, grounding him, and giving a brilliant lecture, followed by your sternest look, is no guarantee that he will reform. Such discipline techniques are good at halting bad behaviors temporarily, but rarely at eliminating them altogether. That's why kids typically reuse the same old bad behavior again – or a new variation of it – and we're back to square one: pleading, coaxing, yelling, threatening, and bribing them to behave. And once again we're left exhausted, frustrated, discouraged, and questioning our parenting skills.

Remember that our goal isn't just to halt our kid's bad behaviors temporarily; it is to change these behaviors so they stop using them. And that's what this book will teach you how to do. It's a new approach to discipline, and it's the approach that will help you change your child's behavior for the long term. You will end up not only with a better behaved kid, but also a much less stressed you who can finally enjoy your relationship with your child. So let's gear up for big changes by looking at a few important points about any behavior makeover.

The Main Things To Remember About Changing Your Kid's Behavior

There are five keys to fixing your child's behavior. These are included in each makeover in this book, but it's important that you recognize them so you can use them any time you attempt a behavior makeover with your kid. Here are those essential five keys:

1. Target the behavior. The first part is the most important: you must identify the specific bad behavior that is driving everyone crazy. Granted, your kid may be displaying a number of behaviors that need fixing, but it's best to work on improving only one – and never more than two – behaviors at a time. That way, you can develop a much more specific behavior plan to eliminate the bad behavior, and you'll also be more likely to succeed at your makeover efforts. So don't say, "He's not behaving." Instead, narrow your focus so you target the specific behavior you want to eliminate, like: "He's been talking back."

2. Make a solid makeover plan. Once you have identified the bad behavior, you need a solid makeover plan to stop it. The plan must (1) address your kid's behavior, (2) set out exactly how you will correct it, (3) identify the new behavior to replace it, and (4) describe how you plan to teach it. Plans must be specific to the problem and your child's unique needs. I'll give you all the strategies you need and pose the questions to help you create a precise plan for your kid. All you need to do is follow the steps, and then write your ideas in your Makeover Journal.

3. Establish a consequence. If your child continues using the misbehavior, the next thing to do is to set a consequence. It must be fair, appropriate to the kid, fit the crime, and be set ahead so your kid is aware of it. Then it must be enforced each time your kid uses the misbehavior. Please review the list and refer to it for each makeover.

4. Commit to change. Even the best makeover in the world won't work unless you really commit yourself to changing your kid's behavior. And then you must be consistent with your plan so you do succeed.

5. Extend the commitment to twenty-one days. If you want to eliminate the bad behavior, you must commit to a twenty-one-day trial period. Don't expect to see overnight success; change just doesn't work like that. Behavior change takes a minimum of twenty-one days of repetition, so hang in there. And don't give up until you do see positive change. On the unlikely chance that you do not see change, then review your makeover to be sure you have not overlooked another cause. Also, make sure your expectations are ones your child is capable of. And if the bad behavior still continues, please do consult with a trained professional – pediatrician, counselor, or child psychologist – to help you with your makeover endeavors.

Ten Behavior Principles You Need To Know

Since you have bought this book, let's assume things haven't worked as well as you'd hoped in changing your kid's behavior. It's time to try a new approach. We begin by reviewing a few basic principles of Behavior Makeover 101.

Most behaviors . . .

1. Are learned. Some behaviors may be influenced by biological factors, but most are learned. For instance, the shy kid can learn social skills to become more confident in groups, the aggressive kid can learn anger management skills, and the impulsive kid can learn skills and techniques to stop and think before acting.

2. Can be changed. Most behaviors can be changed by using proven research-based techniques.

3. Need intervention. Don't expect your child to change on his own. His behavior will most likely only get worse without your intervention. Also, don't think poor behavior is just a phase that he'll outgrow. You're just providing more time for your kid's bad behavior to become a habit, and then it will be even tougher to change.

4. Take time to change. Behavior change takes time. Don't expect your Saturday night lecture to make more than a dent in your kid's behavior on Sunday. Give you and your kid time. Remember that learning new behavior habits generally take a minimum of twenty-one days of repetition.

5. Require commitment. Long-term commitment is necessary for any meaningful and permanent change. There's no getting around it: parenting is tough work.

6. Must have a substitute. No behavior will change permanently unless you teach your child another behavior to replace it. Think about it: if you tell your kid to stop doing one behavior, what will he do instead? Without a substitute behavior, chances are he'll revert to using the old misbehavior.

7. Require a good example. Behaviors are learned best by seeing it done right, so make sure your own behaviors or examples are ones that you want your kid to emulate. I call that the Boomerang Effect: what you throw out to your child is like a boomerang that comes back to hit you in the face.

8. Demand practice. Behavior change requires practice. You'd never tell a child to go out to throw a pass at a game by just handing him a football when the game is just starting. You would first have helped him practice for weeks before that. The same is true for learning any other new behavior, so practice, practice, practice until he can do the new behavior on his own.

9. Benefit from encouragement. Be encouraging every step along the way: from the willingness to try, the first efforts and small successes, the recoveries from setbacks, to the maximum amount of improvement. Behavior change is hard and deserves to be encouraged, acknowledged, and celebrated.

10. Are never too late to change. Even if the problem has been going on a long time, don't despair. Help is on the way.

The Ten C's Of Critical Change

You will notice certain recurring techniques in virtually every behavior intervention. They are critical in ensuring the success of each makeover so make sure you use them. I call them the ten C's of Critical Change:

1. Connect calmly with your child. Any behavior makeover must start by calmly addressing the child. Eliminate any distractions, take a deep breath to get in control, get eye-to-eye, and make sure you have your kid's full attention. Then you can begin.

2. Clarify your concerns. Don't assume your child understands what he did wrong. Briefly describe the problem, why it troubles you, and what behavior you expect instead – for example: "When you used that tone, it was disrespectful. I expect you to talk respectfully."

3. Commit together to work on the problem. Emphasize your commitment to work with your kid to help him change. Ideally, you need to be on the same team to succeed.

4. Coach a new behavior to replace the inappropriate behavior so he knows how to use it successfully. For instance, don't assume your kid knows how you want him to talk. The whine may have become such a habit that he has forgotten how to talk without it. "I don't listen to whines. Listen to how my voice sounds. It's how I want you to ask for something. Now you try it."

5. Correct misbehavior as soon as it occurs. Don't wait. The moment your kid uses an inappropriate behavior is the time to correct it. Behavior corrections are brief; they describe to the child what he did wrong and show how to correct the action: "I know you were angry, but you may not hit. Next time, tell the person that you are mad and what you want."

6. Check your kid's progress as you continue the makeover. Alter your plan if needed.

7. Choose a consequence if the misbehavior continues. It should be reasonable, appropriate to the child and crime, and announced ahead: "If you bite again, you will to go to time-out for five minutes."

8. Carry out the agreed consequence. In the event there's no change or opposition to the behavior makeover, follow through with the agreed consequence. And do so consistently.

9. Catch your kid's good behavior efforts. Don't overlook the simplest and often most effective way to change behavior: "That was a respectful voice. That's the kind I listen to. Good job!"

10. Congratulate your kid's success whenever positive results are confirmed. Change is hard – and especially for kids – so celebrate his efforts. And don't forget to congratulate yourself!