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Behavior Makeover: Negative Peer Pressure

My eleven-year-old daughter was caught stealing candy out of a teacher's cabinet with two other girls. My concern is that she is so easily led by others and goes along with whatever they do. When she's older, the temptations will no longer be candy, but sex, alcohol, and drugs. How can I help her stand up for what she knows is right and not buckle in to peer pressure?

– Ruth a mother of three daughters from Savannah, Georgia

Shoplifting.
Cheating.
Drugs and alcohol.
Sexual promiscuity.
Violence.

Peer pressures facing today's kids are enormous. Of course, we always hope that our kids will be able to say no to such negative influences, but it's often difficult because such choices are not always popular with their peers. The truth is that it takes real moral strength not to be influenced by others. We must help our kids develop the inner strength of character needed to buffer negative pressures and then teach them specific assertiveness skills. Only then will they be able to stand up to their peers.

Six Strategies To Resist Negative Peer Pressure
Here are six strategies you can teach your kid to stand up to peer pressure. I use the acronym ASSERT to help kids recall six ways they can stick up for their beliefs:

A – Assert yourself with physical confidence. Teach your kid to stand up for his beliefs and not back down by using confident posture: stand tall with feet slightly apart, head high, and look the person straight in the eye. Emphasize that the posture he uses to deliver his lines is usually more important than the words he says.
S – Say no firmly. Once your kid decides not to do what is being asked, stress that he must say no to the person using a friendly but firm and determined voice and then not give in. Remind your child that his job is not to try changing the other person's mind, but to keep himself out of trouble and follow his beliefs.
S – Say goodbye and leave. Emphasize that standing up to a friend isn't easy. Stress that he may face intimidation, teasing, or rejection for his choice, but that's what courage is all about. Sometimes the best option is to walk away from the situation. Set up a policy with your kid that whenever he feels unsafe in a situation, he should phone, and you agree pick them up with no questions asked.
E – Give a reasonable excuse. Your child could give the peer an excuse: "I told Dad I'd be home," "I have homework," or "I promised my friend I'd come by." Tell your kids it's okay to use you as an excuse: "My mom will ground me for life if I did that!"
R – Repeat your decision. Tell your child it's sometimes helpful to repeat his decision several times like a broken record: "No, it's not right," "No, it's not right." It makes him sound assertive and helps him not back down from his stand.
T – Tell reasons. Thinking about the possible consequences of the choice helps strengthen kids' convictions not to proceed with what they're asked to do. So tell your kid to give the person the reason he's saying no: "It's illegal," "I'll be grounded," or "I could get hurt."

Think about when you grew up. What kinds of peer pressure did you face when you were a child? When you were a teen? How did your parents deal with it? How did you deal with it? Was that a successful response? Would you have responded any differently now? Did you ever pressure friends to do something they didn't want to do? What was their response?

Now reflect on kids growing up today. How is it different from when you grew up? Do you think pressure today is more difficult, the same, or less tough? Why? What kinds of pressure do you think your kid faces from friends? Which kinds worry you the most? And remember that peer pressure can be positive – for instance, healthy competition, inspiring role models, stimulating new ideas.

Talk to other parents, and find out the kinds of pressures they are concerned about. Do you share any of the same concerns? Are they doing anything to help their kids resist peer pressure?

Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.

The best way kids learn to resist negative peer pressure is by watching how we stick up for ourselves. Reflect on the kind of assertive example you are setting for your child. For example, what do you do when your business colleague asks you at a family dinner to tell your boss tomorrow that she is ill so she can take the day to shop? Or what do you do if a neighbor comes around with a half-filled petition to prevent a black couple from buying the house next door? How can you tune up your daily behavior so your kid sees how to be assertive and respectful at the same time? Write it.
Talk with your child about peer pressure. You might begin, "Have you ever been urged by a friend to do something you didn't want to do? How did you handle it? Did it work?" Explain that there will be lots of times when friends ask her to do things that she doesn't want to do. Emphasize that though it's sometimes hard, she shouldn't be afraid to stand up for what she believes. Do make sure to talk often with your child about values so she has a firmly planted inner conscience and knows what she and her family stand for.
Identify an issue your kid may have to deal with now or in the near future. Here are a few: cheating on a test, shoplifting, giving homework answers, using drugs, looking at pornographic materials, drinking, sneaking out at night, smoking, or taking unsafe risks.
Review the six assertive strategies with your child. Plan to teach them over the next few days.
Practice each strategy together using peer pressure issues that your kid might have to deal with. Here are a few examples to role-play:
A friend wants you to go to the store and shoplift with her. If you don't do it, she says you won't be her friend.
You're taking a test, and a classmate wants you to give her the answers.
You're at a slumber party. The group wants to sneak out to drink at the park.
Role-play the parts, switching between who's the friend and who's receiving the pressure so your child can watch how you use the strategy and assert yourself.

How will you use the six assertive strategies and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your child achieve long-term change to combat peer pressure? On the following lines, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.

Makeover results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Resources

Stick Up for Yourself: Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem, by Pamela Espeland, Gershen Kaufman, and Lev Raphael (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Press, 1999). Realistic, how-to advice for kids on being assertive, building relationships, solving problems, and boosting self-esteem. A teacher's guide is also available. Ages 8 to 12.

What Do You Stand For? A Kid's Guide to Building Character, by Barbara Lewis (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 1999). An inspiring book that invites kids to build strong positive character traits such as honesty, empathy, and tolerance. Ages 11 and up.

Cliques, Phonies, and Other Baloney, by Trevor Romain (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 1998). Written for every kid who has ever felt excluded or trapped by a clique, this book blends humor with practical advice as it tackles a serious subject. Ages 8 to 13.

Teen Esteem, by Pat Palmer (San Luis Obispo, Calif.: Impact Publishers, 1989). A guide for developing the skills and self-esteem necessary to cope with such adolescent challenges as peer pressure and substance abuse. Ages 13 to 17.

Joshua T. Bates Takes Charge, by Susan Richards Shreve (New York: Knopf, 1993). Joshua remembers how a group of bullies used to tease him for being held back a grade and sees the same boys teasing a new student. He must make a choice. Ages 9 to 12.

What Would You Do? A Kid's Guide to Tricky and Sticky Situations, by Linda Schwartz (Santa Barbara, Calif.: Learning Works, 1990). A commonsense guide that helps kids think through how they would handle more than seventy unexpected or frightening situations. Ages 8 to 12.

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