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Behavior Makeover: Sibling Battles

I'm at my wit's end. It seems all my kids do is fight, and I spend most of my time acting like a referee. My husband says that when I step in, I'm just making it worse. Then my son always tells me that I let his younger brother "get away with murder." Well, if I don't intervene, the two spend the day locked in mortal combat. Any ideas????

– Leticia, mother of two from Grand Rapids, Michigan

"Jenna hit me!"
"Give me back my CD!"
"You broke my favorite Barbie!"

Sibling quarrels are among the most exasperating home front issues. Put any two kids together for a length of time, and the three little words you're most likely to hear are, "It's not fair!" Don't go crazy trying to make things equal; it's impossible! Although battles are inevitable, world war doesn't have to be the outcome. There are a few things you can do that will alleviate the bickering and in the process help your kids learn to treat each other more peacefully. Besides, if they don't learn how to get along at home, where else will they learn?

Use the following strategies as a guide in boosting family harmony and stopping sibling battles:

Calm everyone down. Intervene when emotions are high but before an argument escalates. Use what works best to calm everyone down: running a quick lap outside, doing five jumping jacks, taking three slow deep breaths, lying down for a few minutes, cuddling a teddy bear. If needed, separate the two kids until they can calm themselves and work things through: "I see two angry kids who need to cool down. You go to your room and you to your room until you can talk calmly."
Clarify feelings. Sometimes all that is needed is for someone to acknowledge the hurt kid's feelings. Try it: "You're hurt because you think your brother is being treated more fairly than you are." "You're frustrated because you're not getting a turn at Nintendo."
Let each kid tell the story. To help kids feel that they're really being heard, ask each one to take a turn explaining what happened. Ask everyone to focus on the child who is speaking and really listen. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. If you think you don't understand, ask for clarification: "Could you explain that to me again?" When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show that you do understand. You might then ask, "What can you do to solve this problem?"
Make the kids part of the solution. Ask those involved what they plan to do to solve "their" problem. Making kids part of the solution often causes them to stop, think, and quiet down. Do set guidelines for talking it out: no interrupting, no put-downs, and only calm voices are allowed. By taking turns, kids can learn to make their points with words, not blows. One dad sets an oven timer and says, "Let's see if you can work this through calmly for three minutes. Then I'll return." Another mom sits her preschoolers on the couch and tells them they can't get up until they talk it out.
See it from the other side. Kids often get so caught up in feeling they're being treated unfairly that they don't stop to think how the other person might be feeling. So ask, "See it from the other side now. How does your sister feel?" This also builds empathy.

Start your kid's behavior makeover by thinking about your childhood. Did you fight with your siblings (or childhood friends)? What did you fight about? Did your parents intervene? Was that helpful? Did you ever learn to get along? What skills did you use to help reduce your conflicts? How did you learn them? Talk to other parents to find out how they're dealing with sibling battles. What works for them?

Now it's time to take action to begin making over your kid's behavior. Use your Makeover Journal to write down your thoughts and develop your plan.

Identify what's triggering the conflicts. Is the other child getting more attention, being manipulative, or bullying? Does he have more toys? Do you take sides? Is the hurt child feeling she is not being listened to or is being taken advantage of?
Try to witness – without their awareness – a conflict. Tune into the behaviors of your kids before the fighting starts. How do your kids typically respond to each other in a heated moment? What behavior does one kid (or both of them) use that escalates the situation, such as insulting, hitting, swearing, or biting? Is there a skill you could teach that might defuse the conflict before it becomes full-blown?
How do you typically respond to sibling conflicts? Do both kids think your actions are fair? How do your kids react? Does your response escalate, reduce, or neutralize the conflict?
Read the strategies, and select the two that you think would work best for your kids. Experiment to see how effective they are in reducing sibling conflicts with your kids.

Sibling battles are inevitable, so completely terminating them is unrealistic. Nevertheless, you can minimize them. Once you try a strategy, be consistent with it until you see change.

Makeover Pledge
How will you use the five strategies and the Behavior Makeover Plan to help your kids achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin your kid's behavior makeover.

Makeover Results
All behavior makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your kid takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up too soon. Remember that if one strategy doesn't work, another will. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Makeover Journal.

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Resources

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (New York: HarperCollins, 1999). Creative techniques for using power struggles as pathways to better understanding within any family. Useful for any age. Addresses the cause of power struggles rather than just the symptoms.

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (New York: Avon, 1998). A classic in helping parents reduce sibling rivalry.

Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems, by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn (Roseville, Calif.: Prima Publishing, 1999). An excellent parenting resource. Particularly helpful sections include "fighting friends," "sibling rivalry," and "fighting siblings."

The Berenstain Bears Get in a Fight, by Stan and Jan Berenstain (New York: Random House, 1995). Brother and Sister Bear get into a major sibling battle, and Mama Bear helps them work things out. Ages 4 to 8.

Bang, Bang, You're Dead, by Louise Fitzhugh (New York: HarperCollins, 1969). Two kids battle for command of a hill, then work out their disagreement. Ages 5 to 8.

Superfudge, by Judy Blume (New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1994). A favorite among kids 8 to 12 about an older brother who must deal with his very annoying younger brother.

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