The Self-Absorbed Child

Parents of a baby who tends to withdraw often congratulate themselves on having such an "easy" child. Such babies usually don't cry much and seem content to lie in their cribs or strollers, playing with their fingers or staring at a mobile. Even after learning to crawl, the baby who withdraws may be content to sit and wait for his mother or father to hand him toys. If his parents make funny faces and noises, he glances at them briefly, but then returns to staring at his toys or into space. He may have a hard time making eye contact and seems to be looking inward, uninterested in the outside world - daddy's smiling face, a shiny new toy, the soft summer breeze against his skin. At first, parents may tell themselves that their baby is just more quiet and laid-back than other children. If his motor and language milestones are all as expected and he seems also to enjoy manipulating and figuring out how toys work, they do not worry. Perhaps he is just more of a "thinker" and not very sociable. Some self-absorbed children play elaborate fantasy games by themselves, and one can admire their creativity and imagination.

Sometimes a parent's worries do not begin until the child starts school and shows no interest in playing with other children. Perhaps the child sits alone in a corner of the playground while other children scream and laugh together. He seems to make few friends and is content to stay at home after school and play Nintendo until bedtime.

The parents may then worry or a teacher may become concerned and suggest a consultation for the child to help him become more involved with his peers. At that point, parents of some self-absorbed children come to see me. "I can't figure out what went wrong," they say. "He was such a good baby. But now, something about him just doesn't seem right."

Self-absorbed, passive, laid-back children are the Walter Mittys of the world - more comfortable spinning their own fantasies than functioning in reality. They find it easier to listen to their own thoughts and ideas rather than to focus on the workaday world. They don't fit into the popular image of a "difficult" child. Unbeknownst to us, they cut themselves off from interaction that could help them develop a sense of reality. This lack of communication makes it hard for them to reach the milestones described earlier and to achieve healthy emotional development. Even though some of these children may be articulate and good students, they miss out on some of the essential experiences in psychological development.

The Self-Absorbed Baby and Toddler
Parents of a self-absorbed baby, especially a first baby, rarely find cause to worry about their newborn. He may sleep a lot, he doesn't fuss much, and he appears easily satisfied. But later he may be harder to engage. Starting at three or four months, when children ordinarily begin enthusiastically relating to people, carrying on a "dialogue" with gurgles, coos, and bright smiles, it may not be so easy to connect with the self-absorbed child. A mother and father may find they have to work very hard to get his attention. He rarely makes eye contact and, instead, seems to look past his parents. And, instead of objecting noisily to being left alone (as many children would), this child may be content to lie in his crib and stare into space or play with his fingers.

In the toddler years, when other children are beginning to explore their worlds (much to the delight and exhaustion of their parents!), the self-absorbed child may sit more passively. A little boy might finger toys that are placed close to him, but he usually won't busy himself with such toddler pursuits as crawling into cabinets and trying to scoot down stairs. He appreciates, more than most toddlers, a lot of familiarity. He likes to look at the same books over and over again, or to watch the same videos over and over.

While other children are learning to communicate through gestures and facial expressions (and also to understand such nonverbal communication), the withdrawn child may tend to drift off into his own world, playing with a favorite toy or seeming to ponder the mysteries of the universe. It appears to be a great effort for him to use gestures and facial expressions - a key form of communication for toddlers. He uses them intermittently, only when he really needs something.

Parents of a self-absorbed child may begin to notice some delays in their child's development between the ages of eighteen and thirty months. First, his language skills don't seem to develop as quickly as other children's. Instead of beginning to combine words with an already sophisticated "language" of gestures (for example, grabbing his foot and making kissing noises to signify he wants his stubbed toe kissed), this little boy may only look at you and then at his foot and cry. His receptive language skills also may be slow to develop: he may seem confused, or appear to ignore you, when you talk to him.

As I have noted, he may not show much interest in other children. While children his age are beginning to socialize (eighteen-month-olds giggling over a silly face, two-and-a-half-year-olds setting up a tea party or crashing trucks together), the self-absorbed child seems to be content to amuse himself. He may play with a few toys he is comfortable with, but won't look at other children or even play side by side with other toddlers in what is called "parallel play."

Sometimes the self-absorbed child also shows little interest in his parents, ignoring them or seeming not to focus on them. This behavior is often what alerts parents to a problem. But, quite often, the self-absorbed child is warm to his parents. He may respond with a shy smile when mom or dad blows bubbles on his stomach. He may like to cuddle with his mother in a rocking chair and enjoy sitting quietly with his father while he watches TV or reads. It's easy for parents who have noticed his self-absorbed behavior around other children to reassure themselves that everything is fine because he relates well to them. But parents may not realize that while the child is indeed connecting emotionally with them, it is not in any kind of assertive way. He is responding to their actions, often physical overtures involving touch, but he isn't initiating the emotional involvement.

Beginning at the age of eighteen months or so, when emotional ideas begin to appear in language and make-believe play, this child may slip even further behind.

The Self-Absorbed Preschool Child
As he gets older, this child's pretend play may lack much spark or creativity. The elaborate dramas that children begin playing as they move through the stages of emotional ideas and emotional thinking don't appear. Instead of plots involving dolls and stuffed animals that chat and squabble, the self-absorbed child's make-believe plots may consist of polite conversation replayed over and over again. Instead of developing a drama in which GI Joes in two armies fight to save a beautiful princess, who is finally rescued by the general of one of the armies, this child may play and replay a thin little scene of a GI Joe doll riding in a car.

More commonly, he may be only manipulating the action figures and touching them. It may not be clear whether there is any theme at all. He continues to play in quiet self-absorption, allowing others to imagine that he is involved in rich, creative fantasy.

It's easy for the parents of such a child to simply let their son retreat into fantasy, assuming that he is simply "doing his own thing." Parents may even take pride in his creativity and skill. But, interestingly, even though these children slip easily into fantasy, their make-believe world is not rich and full. Rather, it has a piecemeal, unfinished quality.

I remember a bright four-and-a-half-year-old who came to see me. He marched into my office for the first time and went straight for the closet full of toys. It was as if he had been in my office a hundred times. By the time I settled down to talk to him, he had organized a scene using four dolls and a house. When I tried to join in, sitting down on the floor next to him and bringing a stuffed bear to the house, he gave me a quick, dismissive glance and kept playing, ignoring my bear. But his fantasy was fragmented; no real plot or theme emerged. The dolls had a quick discussion about where everyone was going to sleep in the house, but then he veered off in another direction. One doll began fighting with another doll, then, abruptly, he brought in a toy tractor that he drove round and round. He talked rapidly, sometimes muttering as he moved the dolls and tractor around the house. I had a hard time following his fantasy.

When I talked to his mother later, she told me that at first she thought her son's immersion in fantasies was wonderfully creative. "It really shows what a great imagination he has," she said with a smile. But after we talked for a while, she acknowledged that she was concerned about him. "I can't seem to reach him," she said. "I can't seem to get him to talk directly or tell me anything."

Whenever she asked him a question, he was silent or replied through his toy Barney. "How about fish sticks for dinner, Barney?" his mother said playfully, leaning down and wiggling Barney's purple tail. Instead of answering, the Barney figure kept jumping up and down on top of a house. Not all self-absorbed children keep their fantasies simple or confine their play entirely to physical motion. Some are more creative in their fantasies, but they nonetheless share the same basic qualities. They appear bright and verbal: they may even learn to speak easily, and they show a lot of interest in make-believe and play. However, they seem to prefer their imaginary world to reality. They play by themselves for hours on end. When they are a little older, they may become Nintendo or computer game experts and play electronic or computer games endlessly. Communicating with this child about real life - such as what he wants for dinner or how his day at school was - can be challenging.

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