Pattern of Bipolar Transitions

A surprising number of bipolar children are able to hold themselves together long enough to meet the considerable demands and pressures of the school day but then dissolve into tantrums or tears once they reach the safety of home, where they're finally able to let their feelings show. This particular pattern of behavior (and it's not one that all bipolar children display, by any means) typically invites a lot of criticism and advice from relatives, teachers, and even therapists. If a child has problems at home but not at school or during social activities, others think, "Aha! It must be the parents who are doing something wrong." After all, if Ninette really had a biologic illness, wouldn't it be evident everywhere? And particularly in school, where the pressures would seem to be greater?

On the surface, this attitude makes a lot of sense. Look at kids with ADHD. Their symptoms of overactivity, inattention, and impulsivity are present in many different settings. In the case of bipolar kids, however, the Dr. Jekyll-at-Home/Mr. Hyde-at-School behavior pattern is far more likely to be the result of very good or excellent parenting than it is of some kind of neglect or over indulgence. The parents have somehow impressed on their child that it is not acceptable to behave poorly in the outside world. Kids get this message and use all their strength to hold things together during the day.

But by the time they get off the school bus, they are ready to explode. Kids know that if they act out of control in the outside world, they will surely be rejected and singled out as different. If they let their feelings loose at home, it's safer. They trust that their parents love them and will not abandon them no matter what. I remember asking Barry, a nine-year-old, why he thought he had a tantrum everyday when he got home from school. He looked at me as if I'd asked an absurd question. "I feel so angry," he answered. "I can't let it out in school. I'll get in trouble with the teacher."

Parents who don't understand this phenomenon can have incredible feelings of guilt. They search their souls for what they have done wrong. They think: "If he's so good at my parents' house and his friends' homes, the problem must be me"; "Everyone in my family tells me I give into him too much and spoil him"; "I let him get away with things I should never allow"; "Maybe they're right. I am not so lenient with his sister."

What the outside world doesn't see is the tremendous patience and creativity these kids require. Most caring parents realize early on that they have to pick and choose their battles. If not, they could be fighting with their bipolar youngster all day, every day.