Bipolar Children and Making Friends

One very important part of a child's education and social development comes not from the home or the classroom but from peer relationships. In childhood friendships, kids have the potential to learn a great deal: how to share, compromise, and work as part a team. Friendship provides an opportunity for a child to explore his leadership skills and to learn how to mentor and be mentored. As with all human relationships, there are times of joy, pain, discovery, confusion, soul-searching, and growth. If you are unable to experience good peer relationships when you're young, you lag behind others in your age-group.

A bipolar kid can have a wicked sense of humor but may still have traits that destroy friendships. If he must always be the boss, tell other kids the right way to do things, be the leader in games, and accuse others of cheating when he loses, it's not going to help him win any popularity contests. Consequently, bipolar kids often need a hand at learning how to be good friends. Here's how one father helped his son to make and keep buddies:

My son, Evan, knows he is different, and he struggles to fit in with other children. He is not athletic or physical, so sports activities are not only unappealing, they are isolating.

Sometimes, I can help maneuver Evan's peers into participating in an activity at which he excels. I'll ask, "Have you ever played chess?" Then I challenge the other kids to play me to see if they can beat me. After they beat me (which they inevitably do), I say, "You should play my son; he's really good." While they're playing, the kids get to know each other, and they develop respect for Evan and his confidence soars.

My wife and I keep a close watch during playdates. If Evan seems overwhelmed or isolated, one of us asks if he wants to go for a short walk or take a drive. Meanwhile, we make sure his guest(s) are kept busy (for example, with video or computer games). When Evan comes back, he's usually calmer and able to rejoin his peers.

Of course, it's not always an option to take a short walk when your child has a meltdown during a playdate. You may need to talk to him in another room or send the other child home. At times when your child is impulsive and reacting in the moment, you may need to step in as his "surrogate brain," serving as his intermediary with the world around him.

The best way to curb meltdowns, though, is to take preemptive action. When first setting up playdates with a new friend, it's wisest to plan short (perhaps hour-long) visits and invite the other mother to stay for coffee. This way, you have one grown-up per kid, much better odds than two kids against one adult! You may decide to meet at a fast food restaurant, just to see if the youngsters are compatible in a neutral setting. If they're both having lunch, it is harder to compete with each other, and everybody gets something. There's less chance that the kids will end up being annoyed with each another.

By slowly increasing the number and length of these outings, you may find one day that your child wants to stay for a few more hours or that he doesn't want his friend to leave. If you think there's a good chance that he'll get tired and begin to lose it, just say "no." You want him to leave the playdate with a sense of success, not failure. If, on another day, you think your child isn't going to make it through a short playdate, even with you around, listen to the voice within you and postpone it. You're better off with him tantruming in the privacy of your own home than in front of a peer. If your child's mood is off, then reasoning with him is of limited effectiveness. And you don't want him to be embarrassed later.

Many parents particularly dread birthday parties, where a youngster will be interacting with many other children all at once. Again, this is a situation in which you may have to serve as your youngster's "surrogate brain." That may mean going with him to the party—no matter his age. This has to be done with some finesse, however. When a child is younger, accompanying him to a party is no big deal—all the parents are doing the same thing. But by the time he's seven or eight, you may have to devise a clever reason for why you're around. This may mean calling the other child's mother in advance, discussing the situation, and perhaps planning an excuse for why you'll appear on the scene. ("I'm helping Syd's mom with the refreshments." Or, "Caroline's parents need an extra hand at the bowling alley.") This will keep your youngster from being embarrassed when the other parents drop off their kids and wave goodbye.

Of course, there will always be other mothers who think you're too anxious and treat your child like a baby. So what? Your child needs you, and if your being there will allow him to have a good time and be successful with his peers at the birthday party, then so be it. Many people who don't know any better consider parents of bipolar children to be overprotective. But those people fail to understand that you spend almost every ounce of your available energy focusing on your bipolar child. And believe me, it's likely they'd be doing the same thing if they were in your shoes.

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