Bipolar Children and Holiday Gatherings

No matter what holidays your family celebrates—Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Ramadan—they're supposed to be joyful. But holidays are the times many parents of bipolar children dread the most. (Truth be told, so do lots of us.) And who could blame them? For a bipolar kid, many of these festive occasions are filled with ingredients for a recipe for disaster: a disruption of your routine (perhaps even different time zones), surprises, crowded houses, foods with different tastes and textures, and, in some cases, lots of unfamiliar people. A bipolar kid's impulsivity and anxiety seem to go into overdrive. Suddenly, he hasn't got the patience to wait until after dinner to begin opening the presents under the tree. He grabs for one, gets reprimanded by an aunt, tells off the aunt, and calls her an idiot. Many parents say that they want to run and hide because of the embarrassment and criticism that often results from these scenes. They also say that their holidays often end with relatives being annoyed at one another. (This may not, of course, seem unusual in any family! But in this case, it's caused by a child's actions or reactions.)

Some mothers and fathers circumvent holiday stresses altogether by writing a letter to their relatives in advance that explains Bipolar Disorder and the kinds of activities that may be difficult for their child. This strategy can be a good one. Although a few relatives may view your preemptive efforts as nothing more than an indulgence, most hosts will be only too happy to oblige in order to make the visit go smoothly. If not, you might want to consider staying in a hotel rather than butting heads throughout the visit.

In some cases, especially when a child is less than stable, parents may want to stay at home and plan a very low-key celebration with just the immediate family. Families often say that their child enjoys spending the holiday in a setting that's familiar and more predictable. Once the child's mood disorder is under good control for awhile, it will once again be possible to travel to Grandma's (or another relative's house) at holiday time. If there is a seasonal component to your child's mood, you may want to visit in the summer when he's feeling happier. Here's how one family reintroduced holiday celebrations into their lives.

Like many families, we wanted all the good things associated with holidays. But the first few holidays we spent with our family and our bipolar child turned into disasters. Our relatives wondered why we didn't put Marisol in a fancy dress for the holiday pictures, like the other parents did. But our daughter doesn't like scratchy fabric, and she wouldn't wear the dress we picked out.

She is also sensitive to noise and touch, and of course, on our arrival, everyone wanted to hug, kiss, and talk at once. Marisol ran the other way. The next obstacle was the meal. Marisol didn't like the turkey, and sitting down for too long was an issue. My in-laws have a policy that kids don't leave the table until they've eaten everything on their plates. You can imagine how that went over with Marisol.

And just when we thought the worst was over, she got into a fight with a cousin who, understandably, did not care that things had to be Marisol's way or else. By the end of the day, Marisol was hot, hungry, and just plain miserable.

We thought we would fix things by having the gatherings at our house, but it was not that simple. The day still lacked the structure that Marisol lives by. All things considered, we decided to take a break from holiday gatherings while we worked to find the right mix of medications for our daughter.

Eventually, we began to ease ourselves back into visiting the relatives on holidays, and as we did so, we became more practical in our approach. We found that the key to making things work was planning and then sharing the plan for the day with our child. These days, we have an extensive talk with Marisol about the day ahead and the help she might need from us to handle the situation if something starts to go wrong.

At the same time, we talk candidly with our relatives about Marisol's needs and some of her unusual behaviors and try to involve the family in our plans. They now call to ask us what Marisol is eating these days; they even remember the ketchup with the microwave hot dogs. Our friends remember that she likes her hamburger grilled on tin foil, without having us remind them. We no longer make Marisol wear certain clothes, and we always pack additional ones. (There's nothing wrong with shorts in the winter inside the house.)

We ask Marisol to stay at the table only until after the blessing. When company comes for holidays, we often have buffets instead of sit-down meals. We bring along Marisol's game cube and DVD player and some new games that help break the ice with her cousins. We've also designated a "quiet" room. If Marisol is feeling overwhelmed, she can go to this room for some peace and quiet—no questions asked.

I'm happy to report that now, five years after our first holiday disaster, we actually look forward to our celebrations with the relatives, but the adjustments we've made have been key in getting us to this point.