Bipolar Children and Their Siblings

No matter what you and your family plan to do, siblings of a bipolar child quickly learn that all can be changed or ruined at the drop of a hat. Everything depends on the bipolar child's mood that day. Having friends over requires great care for the sibling, as it's never certain that the bipolar brother or sister won't say something nasty or embarrassing. In fact, many kids who have grown up with a bipolar sibling describe feeling terrorized by their unpredictable brother or sister. They recall getting hit, bullied, and teased only to have their parents tell them that they needed to understand that "Jerrell has a problem, so he can't help his behavior."

All siblings fight to one degree or another, but the battles between bipolar kids and their siblings add new meaning to the term sibling rivalry. Take the case of ten-year-old Joaquin and his bipolar sister, Susannah, age eight. At one time, the daily battles between the two became so pronounced that the parents took to driving the children in separate cars when they were traveling. Here's how the mother describes it:

Weekend activities that we used to do together had to be scrapped in favor of each adult taking the other child away for the day, evening, or whole weekend.

On weekdays, I had to leave work early every day to be home the minute they got off the bus, as they would get in huge fights if they were in the house for twenty minutes by themselves. Once, when I didn't make it home in time, Susannah kicked a huge hole in the bedroom door.

Every transaction that involved a family decision—for example, where to eat or when to head to the beach—triggered a loud chorus of "I never get to choose." To prevent this, we had to carefully ask my daughter's opinion and carefully react to it. My husband and I made many decisions based on what would keep her calmest.

At one point, Susannah started dressing in a dark "gothic" way that freaked out my very straight-laced son (they go to the same school). He was very embarrassed by her appearance. When she came downstairs for breakfast, he would give her a "look" that precipitated a huge blowup. In retaliation, she sometimes tried to embarrass him on the bus, either by criticizing him or by being overly affectionate or greeting him loudly at school.

No matter whether he responded or just looked at her, a fight would break out. Breakfast had to be done in two different sittings to avoid some of the problems. Joaquin rarely had a friend come over, as he was afraid she would lose it when someone was over. He became overly involved in just doing schoolwork, refusing to participate in outside activities.

When Susannah had to go to the emergency room because she was talking about killing herself, my son suffered tremendous guilt for months afterward, as he felt he drove her to it. He went to counseling and was put on medication to help him with depression.

Although some siblings limit their fighting to wars of words, it's not uncommon for me to hear from moms of bipolar kids that their children come to blows. The first rule in these instances is safety—no one is allowed to harm another person, no matter what the situation. I advise parents to console the child who's hurt but also to label any violent behavior as totally unacceptable. Separating the kids and enforcing a cooling-off period is often a good first step. What you do will vary with each child and the seriousness of the situation. It's important to get all the information first and to not always assume that the bipolar child is at fault. Sometimes, the sibling may have instigated the situation just to get the bipolar child in trouble.