Bipolar Children and Life Cycle Events

Weddings, funerals, and religious ceremonies can be particularly difficult times for bipolar children and their families. These occasions are so far from the child's daily routine—with so many unfamiliar people suddenly appearing on the scene—that they make most bipolar kids uncomfortable. There are too many deviations from the usual schedule.

Bipolar kids may have times when they want to be the center of the universe and the life of the party, but they want to be able to decide when this occurs. Otherwise, they can feel extremely anxious and easily lose self-control. Here's how one family turned a potentially stressful life cycle event—a child's Bar Mitzvah—into a fulfilling occasion for everyone:

When it came time for my son Mason's, Bar Mitzvah, I was totally perplexed and stressed about how to celebrate it. His older brother and sister had traditional parties—large affairs with relatives, many friends, disk jockeys, and dancing. They had stood in the synagogue in front of friends, family, and complete strangers who looked on as they recited prayers in Hebrew and made a speech.

Although my son had taken Hebrew lessons and had a real affinity for the language, he decided a traditional Bar Mitzvah would be too much for him. We couldn't help but wonder: "Would he feel deprived if he had something different? Should he have something at all? Would he have a meltdown?" But we realized that the most important thing was to have a celebration that would suit him and make him happy to be Jewish—not to put pressure on him that would make him feel unhappy and resentful of the entire process. It didn't matter what others thought—I have learned to focus on what is best for my son and what would make him proud.

At first, I thought maybe it was best to have no type of service at all. But the Cantor, who knew my son from birth, encouraged me to have a service and promised me that it would be something special that my son would feel really great about. Our synagogue had a brand new Rabbi, and this was to be her first Bar Mitzvah.

I told my son that clothes didn't matter, that how much he did truly didn't matter—that what mattered was that he wanted to do this. So instead of holding the service in the sanctuary, we decided it would be in a small, private chapel and at a time when no other people were in the synagogue. My son had a few private Hebrew lessons, learned some prayers very well, and was ready.

When we first met the Rabbi, Mason decided to test her by shooting some spitballs her way. She was unfazed. She began by asking what was important in his life. He told her it was his computer and video games. At first, I was embarrassed (I always think that when he says things like this, it's his "bipolar" talking). But the Rabbi assured me that almost every thirteen-year-old boy she deals with says video games or TV. She told him to think about it and come next time and tell her. The next time, he told her that the most important thing was something he had learned from his mother. "She taught me not to judge myself by what other people think about me."

When the day came for the Bar Mitzvah, Mason wanted to wear only a T-shirt, shorts, and sneakers. The Rabbi encouraged him to add a shirt with a collar out of respect and to feel that the day was special. He wore it over his T-shirt. I made certain that he was not the only person in shorts—so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. When we arrived at the synagogue, he asked that no one talk to him until after the service, and we respected his wishes.

The service came off without a hitch. Every person who attended was very close to us and knew how hard it was for my son to make it to that point. Everyone was crying, including the Rabbi and the Cantor.

For the dinner afterward, we picked Mason's favorite Spanish restaurant—one that had a casual atmosphere, served the kind of food he liked, and made him comfortable. My husband and I checked it out in advance to make sure the place wasn't too noisy and that it didn't have another party booked for that day. We knew that the presence of too many strangers would unsettle him.

On the way to the restaurant, my son took off his collared shirt and proceeded to have a great time. Of my children's three Bar Mitzvahs, I ended up enjoying this one the most.

After the whole thing was done, I realized that the lesson I taught my son had come back to me. As parents, we cannot and must not judge ourselves by what others think about our children or our parenting. But if we listen to our kids and respect their needs, things can turn out beautifully.

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Bipolar Kids: Helping Your Child Find Calm in the Mood Storm © 2007 by Rosalie Greenberg. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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