An Interview with Dr. William Pollack

by Diana Bohmer

Dr. William Pollack is a Harvard Medical School psychologist, Director of the Center for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, Harvard Medical School, and author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood.

It seems that boys are becoming more troubled and violent with each passing year. We asked renowned psychologist, Dr. William Pollack, if the publicized violence in schools is just the tip of a hidden iceberg.

Dr. Pollack thinks that we all need to make changes to rescue boys, and that the changes can't simply involve metal detectors and banning black shirts in school. Too many boys have been taught not to show their feelings and are suffering in silence. Parents can help their boys by understanding them better and communicating with them. Here's how.

How can parents communicate better with their boys?
Mothers and fathers can engage their boys in what I call "action talk." First, find a "safe" space away from others where your son feels that no one will make fun of him. Then find a game he enjoys. For some boys that's chess or monopoly. For others it's basketball or catch. During the play, you can begin to introduce brief statements and questions to draw your son out and see how he's feeling. You might start with something like, "I noticed that you were really quiet last night after your soccer practice. Is everything going OK on the team? How are you feeling?"

Many parents will be shocked at how their boys begin to open up during "action talk." Fathers can talk about their own struggles and pain during adolescence. In this way fathers can show their sons that they're strong even though they've gone through painful times. The result can be that your son feels he's not alone in his pain, he bonds to you, and he learns ways of coping with his feelings.

What can mothers do to make sure their sons turn out to be happy and well-adjusted?
Mothers should feel encouraged and empowered by the knowledge that you just can't love a boy too much. Mothers who have been told that they should separate from their sons or beware of mothering them too much should feel free to hug their boys and show their love freely. You just can't have too much mother. Research shows that men who had strong connections to their mothers growing up are more successful at work, emotionally healthy, and live longer.

The other thing mothers can do is recognize that boys express love through action. They might fold the laundry without being asked, or bring you a glass of water. This is an expression of love, and mothers can feel free to say "I love you" right back.

What if my kid is being bullied at school?
If your boy is being bullied, discuss it with him. And ask him how he wants to handle it. Then get involved if that strategy doesn't produce results. Don't advise your kid to tease or punch back. And don't tell him to just walk away. If it's safe for your child to confront the bully (and you need to check that out first), then it's a good idea for him to stand up to the bully with friends around. They can provide support. Your son might stand up to the bully verbally by asking "Why do you have to pick on people? Does this make you feel good? Why don't you find something else to do?" Bullies stop teasing kids who have friends around. They look for kids who are like themselves: Cut off and alone.

If this doesn't work, then you as a parent need to get involved. Tell your child you take this seriously and that you're going to advocate for him just as you would for proper medical care or educational opportunity. You might try calling the parents of the bully to stop the bullying, and if that doesn't work, you should call the school.

If you notice that the old "boys will be boys" attitude pervades the school environment and that no one seems to notice or mind the bullying, you should advocate for change at the school. Call other parents to find out if this is happening to other kids. If it's happening to your son, it could be happening to other sons. Remember, if you advocate, you don't have to do it alone. Band together with other parents to advocate for your kids, and share concerns and problems with each other.

What if my boy is a bully at school?
Mutual kidding around is fine, as long as it's mutual, and there's smiling. But if the teasing is threatening, then it's bullying. It's wrong to think "boys will be boys." Some of the teasing is normal, but some of this is because we raise boys to be cruel and hurtful.

We should have zero tolerance for a bully's behavior, but endless love for the boy. The trouble with most zero tolerance policies on teasing is that they are punitive, and the boy is shamed. Teasing is an expression of pain. If we punish the boy, we are telling him to suppress the pain.

So we need to find out what's happening with a boy who's teasing others by talking with him. Most bullies aren't bad boys, they're sad boys. The typical schoolyard bully is the most depressed boy in his class. How often do we try to find out what's wrong with him? Parents need to find empathy for the bully. Understanding will stop the bullying.

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