The Emerging Importance of Friends

Although children begin to play companionably during the toddler months, when they are between the ages of three and four they start to collaborate in pretend play, as well. They look forward to joining a friend in giving tea parties for their dolls, or in building sand castles that will be stormed by imaginary soldiers. They may push their toy tractors and bulldozers along the same path, and send each other's vehicles careening off the track. Disagreements among playmates are usually less intense than they were just six months ago, however; preschoolers increasingly understand that it's usually worth their while to share toys and even take turns because their fun is multiplied when other kids are around. At this age, children build on each other's ideas about how to play, creating elaborate plots together and sharing props.

If you notice that either your child or her playmate can't sustain the make-believe drama that's under way, it's perfectly fine occasionally to step right into the drama and see if you can start some interaction. If one of the children is getting ready to pull out, try to create some suspense or excitement to reel her back in. You may not get the child to stay a whole lot longer, but each additional minute of interaction provides her with that much more practice in logically bridging her thoughts to another child's.

Around ages three and four, especially as triangular thinking is increasing and children can maintain interaction among different relationships, some children can interact very easily in small groups. They effortlessly move from one friend to another or relate to two or three children together, such as when these children are playing house. One may be Mom, one may be Dad, and one may be the child. But other children need extra practice in relating to in a group. If that's the case, an adult can act as a facilitator and create situations that foster interaction, by saying such simple things as, "Can't you ask Suzie for the Batman cape?"

Sometimes a three- or four-year-old's percolating imagination will produce an imaginary friend. As a child learns to decide what is real and what is not, it can occasionally be very comforting to retreat to an island of fantasy. If you should hear your child chatter about a pretend friend, engage her in conversation about her sidekick. When you hear her talking to her imaginary friend, join in on the dialogue. By interacting even in this area, you're helping her create a bridge between her private world and her relationship with you.

The adventures of such imaginary friends enable your child to vicariously experience all the bad and good things that she thinks about, and are a variation on make-believe play with dolls and puppets. Over time she'll become increasingly aware that her friend is make-believe. If she seems a little too preoccupied with her pretend pal, ask yourself whether or not you've given her enough opportunities to play with real friends and with you and your spouse. By this age, in addition to preschool, which is more group-oriented, a child should have four or more chances to play one-on-one with other children each week, and daily playtimes with Mom and Dad. Usually, imaginary friends seem to vanish on their own once the child starts school and is enmeshed in the politics of the playground. However, some children hold on to their pretend buddies longer.

More on: Learning Activities for Preschoolers

Excerpted from:

Copyright © 1999 by Stanley I. Greenspan. Excerpted from Building Healthy Minds: The Six Experiences That Create Intelligence And Emotional Growth In Babies And Young Children with permission of its publisher, Perseus Books Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

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