Using Positive Reinforcement

by Brenda L. Gargus

"If a child lives with approval, he learns to live with himself."
Dorothy Law Nolte

After a long day at the office, with more work facing you at home, the last thing you might feel like doing is being positive. But it is crucial that, even during conversations aimed at correcting behavior, you keep your tone positive.

What is positive communication?

Positive communication is a tool to reinforce good behavior and eliminate bad behavior; it builds self-esteem and inspires confidence in children. And it's easy — once you get the hang of it! Children's feelings of esteem are very highly influenced by their interaction and relationship with their parents. All children need to feel loved and accepted, and you can communicate those feelings to your children by the way you speak.

Once you develop the habit of consistent positive reinforcement at home, you'll see that communicating is easier, and you will also be helping your son or daughter learn to communicate with the outside world. By the time they are in elementary school, kids need the self-esteem boost gained when positive reinforcement is in practice.

Rules of the road

• Face your child and maintain eye contact.
• Always allow your child to finish talking and complete his statements.
• "Labeling is disabling" — label the behavior instead of the child. Incorrect: "Billy, you are a bad boy." Correct: "Billy, it is irresponsible to leave your toys all over the place."
• Help your child learn to talk positively.
• Try to start your statements with a reinforcer, such as, "Sara, you are a very bright girl; now, let's talk about the best way to get your homework finished." People are more responsive to positive statements, but make sure your compliments are truthful. Children, as well as adults, will see through false flattery.

Correcting behavior

In the book Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally, by John M. Gottman, Lynn Fainsilber Katz, and Carole Hooven, the authors discuss educator and psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott's basic plan for positive reinforcement. The four basic parts are:

1. Recognize and acknowledge the child's wish.
2. State the limit calmly and clearly.
3. Point out ways that her wish may be partially fulfilled.
4. Help the child express the resentment that arises when limits are imposed. "I know you would like to watch the TV show now, but we will tape it and you can watch it after your homework."

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