Pregnancy
Conflict Resolution and Your Kids
"Mom! Do something about Max! He's hogging the TV and all he tunes into is football. Yuck! Boys! Yuck! Brothers!"
"Dad! Jeff pushed me hard at recess and I pushed him back, just like you said to. The bad part is, the playground monitor didn't see him push but saw me push, so I got punished. Now what do I do?"
"Coach, the girls won't let me swim on their relay team because they say I'm stupid and ugly. Make them include me!"
Parents and teachers are inevitably confronted with conflict -- over scarce resources, such as TV or computer time, tangibles such as toys or games, and, most hurtful of all, the exclusion of some children by the group. These and other conflicts go hand in hand with growth and learning, and they're played out daily at home and at school.
The ABCs of Conflict Resolution
- Respect everyone's ideas and needs.
- Turn problems into possibilities.
- Listen so people will talk, and talk so people will listen.
- Focus on the problem, not the person.
- Build "power with" not "power over" others.
- Express feelings without blaming others.
- Own your part of the conflict.
- Strategize to reach mutually agreeable solutions.
- Create options -- one way always creates losers.
- Solve the problem and build the relationship.
What are our choices?
- Avoid the situation altogether, e.g., book a room at the Ramada under an alias and stay until the kids grow up and leave home.
- Make an ironclad list of rules and hire a stern nanny to enforce them.
- Teach kids to manage conflict and anger in constructive ways.
Assuming that the first two choices aren't appealing to you, there are some excellent programs and resources out there, based on the proposition that young (and not so young) people often lack skills training in anger management. They know how to flee a conflict, they know how to engage an adult to fix it for them, and some of them know how to overcome others in the pursuit of their interests. Of course, there are those times when running away or involving an adult is appropriate; however, most conflicts are amenable to problem-solving -- if young people learn the necessary communication skills.
More on: Communicating with Your Kids
