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Rules, Praise, Ignore: A Philosophy for Effective Parenting

You can be a more effective parent if you:

• Establish guidelines and expectations in advance of the situation.
• Praise your child when he is following the rules rather than just punishing him when he doesn't.
• Ignore (disengage from) negative behavior that is often just venting or moaning.

Rules: Clear Guidelines Are Critical
One of the most fundamental keys to success in getting kids to stop and do what you want is to set clear guidelines that establish easy-to-understand, easy-to-follow procedures. Clear guidelines, like TV is allowed only after all homework is completed, eliminate arguments and allow children to understand your expectations.

Do's Are Better than Don'ts
Children need rules. They need guidelines and expectations established in advance of the situation, not in reaction to problems. Most households have rules, some of which are stated (over and over again), some of which are implied. Usually these guidelines spell out an almost endless list of don'ts. And this list gets longer as disagreements and meltdowns occur. Invariably, parents stress what they don't want a child to do. When asked what the rules are, most kids recite an incredibly long list of don'ts.

Usually, the rules a child starts with are those most recently introduced or reintroduced. One preteen told me the rules in his home were: "Don't run in the house, don't leave your clothes on the floor, and don't use the lamps for bowling." This was a first for me. I've interviewed a lot of kids and gotten many different responses to this question, but I'd never heard this one before (or since). It was obvious that someone had set up makeshift bowling in the last twenty-four hours. And the parents had reacted with a new household rule. If this was now one of the top three rules, what previous guideline had it replaced? As important as the lamp-bowling rule may have seemed at the moment, I'm sure the parents did not consider it one of the life lessons they want uppermost in their children's minds.

This underscores two important parenting points. First, whatever is most recently discussed at high volume will, temporarily, rise to the top of the list of rules, undoubtedly displacing something else. Second, your child's repertoire of behaviors is one item longer than your list of don'ts. He will, inevitably, come up with the one thing you did not think to prohibit.

Guidelines (a term I prefer to the word rules, because it goes over better with adolescents) need to be stated in positive terms. They need to specify what you want a child to do instead of what you don't want him to do. The guideline to "keep hands and feet to yourself" also covers hitting, pushing, shoving, grabbing, pinching, or throwing things. I know some families who have expanded this to include "hands and feet and teeth" and a few that use "hands and feet and spit."

Quick Tip
Frame household rules in positive terms. Doing so conveys what your expectations are--not just what your child isn't supposed to do.

Parents should include children in the process of developing and discussing guidelines because they will more likely remember a rule they helped develop. Moreover, a discussion with your children is a great way to find out what, after all these years, they really think are the important rules to remember.

Pointer for Effective Parenting
When you make the child part of the solution, he feels less like the cause of the problem.Prioritize What's Important
Household guidelines should be so limited in number that, when asked to list them, both parents can accurately do so. Most of the time, I find that parents can't remember their own list of rules without giving it serious thought. You don't want to be like the family I worked with where Mom said she didn't think there were any household guidelines and Dad had a typed list of forty-two rules. Such a disparity in expectations inevitably leads to a huge gap in enforcement. Furthermore, no one can remember forty-two rules--not even that father. If you can't recall every rule, how is your child supposed to remember, much less abide by all of them? Keep in mind, these rules are far less important to your child than they are to you.

Parents must agree on household guidelines. You need to discuss what is important to focus on right now and what can wait. There are always things that need improving. But you can't work on everything at once. If you prioritize, making safety supreme, and limit guidelines to what is essential to family functioning, you can pare your expectations down to an achievable number.

One Standard for All
Sharon: One pared-down set of guidelines, consistently reinforced, makes parenting easier on everyone. The existence of family policies or rules eliminates the need for different standards for each child. If the guideline is important, you want all of your children to abide by it. Having only one set reduces the chance that a more challenging child feels that all the rules are a reactive attempt to fix him, the broken child. By the same token, one set of household guidelines holds all children equally accountable for their behavior. Having one standard means all children know what is expected. That provides the structure and predictability that all kids--challenging ones, in particular--need.

Principles for Effective Guidelines

• All children need (and want) boundaries and limits.
• Guidelines exist in all families, though they may not be spoken or written.
• Try whenever possible to state rules in positive terms.
• Keep rules short and to the point.
• Have the fewest number of rules possible.
• Be consistent in using and enforcing the rules.
• Call attention to rules when the child is following them. Don't wait until he has violated them.

Praise: A Powerful Tool for Change
Praise is critically important in helping your child alter his behavior. Just as we need others to notice when we do something well, kids need that same feedback, especially when building new patterns of behavior. Be descriptive when giving a child praise. "I'm so pleased that you didn't interrupt when I was on the telephone." "You came the first time I called." "I think it's wonderful that you put your bike in the garage without a reminder."

Praise keeps a child on track and, when specific, clarifies what behaviors you want to see again. You can often see your child's face light up when you praise him for a job well done. Watch the light bulb go off in his head when you describe how much you appreciate his holding his temper in check.

Praise for good behavior goes a long way toward improving the whole family dynamic and helps build your child's self-esteem. This is particularly important for challenging children who are all-too-accustomed to hearing about what they are always doing wrong.

Finally, never forget that your attention is something your child needs. Be sure to use it in the right way and at the right time. Stay away from backhand compliments such as "I knew you could do it. It's a wonder that you never did it before." When you notice that Jack has brushed his teeth without your reminding him, don't miss the opportunity to tell him how you feel about it as soon as he comes out of the bathroom. Praise is most effective when you give it immediately.

Pointer for Effective Parenting
If you want to see behavior again, pay attention to it.

Principles of Effective Praise

• Praise keeps a child on track and on task.
• Praise helps to build positive self-concept.
• Provide extra praise for those behaviors that you want to build or increase.
• Your attention is something that a child needs. Use it in the right way at the right time.
• Be descriptive when giving a child praise. Say exactly what behavior you are praising.
• Catch your child being good!

Ignore--or Disengage from--Bad Behavior
Sharon: It is harder than it sounds to ignore bad behavior. Many parents tell their children to "just ignore" annoying behaviors from other kids, but if your child even mutters under his breath, you overreact. It's easier if you think of it as "disengaging" from rather than ignoring the whining, moaning, foot stomping, or slammed doors. "Disengaging" sounds so much more clinical than ignoring. "Disengaging" will make you feel as if you are doing something. "Ignoring" probably feels like you're failing to do something. Effective disengagement, however, means no feedback. Don't talk, don't touch, and don't look--if necessary, walk away. If your child erupts or starts to argue, don't take the bait. Disengage.

Guidelines for Effective Ignoring
Truly ignoring means:

• No verbal contact
• No physical contact
• No eye contact
• If you cannot ignore/disengage--leave the room.
• When you ignore, be consistent. Ignore the behavior every time it occurs.
• Heavily praise the opposite, positive behavior. Let your child know when he gets it right.
• When you first ignore a behavior, be prepared for it to happen more often (in an attempt to get your attention).

Sharon: Be prepared for your child's behavior to get worse when you first start to ignore it. After all, she's learned from previous experience that if she cries or he stomps around the house or mutters under his breath, you will react. Now all of a sudden you don't. Your child concludes: "Maybe Mom didn't hear me. Maybe Dad just didn't see how upset I am. I'll have to do it louder to make sure they hear." So, be prepared. Instead, "catch your child being good" and praise him accordingly. This goes a long way to reinforce the behavior you want to encourage. Finally, when you ignore a specific behavior, do so consistently.