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How to Use Consequences

"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Didn't you know I really meant it?"
"That's the third time this week!"
"When are you ever going to learn?"

There's a guarantee that comes with parenting: kids are bound to do what you don't expect. It's just one of those things about being a kid. That's why you must be prepared with a contingency plan if your kid keeps misbehaving – and that's despite your great lecture, posted house rules, and stern looks. Obviously, you can't let your kid get away with bad behavior. He has to learn to take responsibility for his poor choices, so that's when consequences become part of the makeover. It's one of the most important discipline secrets as well as an essential sanity saver.

As you've probably noticed, there are references to consequences throughout this book. You don't usually need to use punishment for effective discipline, and you never should resort to spanking or other corporal punishment. Nevertheless, there are definitely occasions when consequences become necessary. Every situation is different, but here is a list of general guidelines for the use of any kind of consequence that you can apply to your situation and your child.

Whenever you apply a consequence, you should:

1. Announce the consequence. Prepare your kid by letting him know well ahead that there will be a consequence if the same misbehavior is repeated. You might even put the consequence in writing so it's absolutely clear that any hitting will result in disciplinary action. Have your kid sign the agreement so there's no doubt that your intentions are serious. HINT: Consider asking your kid to think of an appropriate consequence for his misbehavior. It's a great way to involve your kid in taking responsibility for his poor choices. Kid-created consequences are usually tougher than those parents set. You don't have to agree to his suggestions; it's just a way to involve him in the process.
2. Fit the consequence to the crime. An appropriate consequence for rudeness would be to have to do a chore for the kid to whom he has been rude; for stealing, it might be to return the stolen property and pay for any damages.
3. Fit the consequence to your kid's development level. For example, don't require a five-year old to write, "I will not fib," one hundred times.
4. Don't negotiate. Once you set a consequence, stick to it, and be consistent.
5. Don't wait. Set and carry out the consequence as immediately as convenient at the scene of the crime. For example, if your kid has a tantrum in a restaurant, remove him immediately, and enforce the consequence that has been previously agreed to.
6. Get everybody on board. Tell your spouse, teacher, baby-sitter, grandparents, and anyone else who needs to know that you and your kid have agreed to the behavior makeover.
7. Preserve your kid's dignity. Always discipline in private, and treat your kid respectfully. Stay calm and remain neutral. Be an example to your kid of how to behave under pressure.

Consequences to Stop Problem Behaviors

Now that we've reviewed the general guidelines, here's a list of potential consequences that you might try depending on the age of your child and the circumstances of the bad behavior:

• Monetary penalty. Establish a family jar with a lid that stays in one place in your home – perhaps the kitchen counter or the family room table. Then set an agreed monetary fine for designated misbehaviors. Each time any kid demonstrates the misbehavior, he is fined and must put the set amount of money in the jar. When the jar is filled, donate the money to a charity of the family's choosing. For kids short on money, make and post a list of chores that can be done to work off the fine.
• Extra chores. Make a list of extra work chores – those beyond any of the regular responsibilities the kid might have already, such as vacuuming, dusting, raking leaves, or sweeping the patio. Any misbehavior means the kid must do one of the jobs. If your kid's behavior has affected another family member, he or she may be required to do a chore for the offended party, which relieves that person of a duty, or helps this person in some other way.
• Apologies. Saying "I'm sorry" (in a voice that truly conveys the child is sorry) is always a way of responding to a misbehavior that affects other people. In some cases, a special apology may be required. Writing a note, having a face-to-face session, or delivering a small handmade gift can be a valuable consequence for some behaviors. An apology can also be required in addition to another consequence.
• Grounding. Other than at school or church time, your kid must stay in the house for a specified length of time – generally one to three days – and lose all social privileges. For a much younger child, the length is usually no more than an hour or two. If the offense is particularly egregious, many parents also pull some or all home entertainment privileges – TV, video games, and phone.
• Loss of privileges. Any continued display of the targeted misbehavior can result in your kid's losing certain specified privileges. Make sure it's something you have control over – for example, watching TV, playing video games, using the phone, listening to music, or use of a common family area.

Using Time-Out

Time-out is appropriate when a child is immediately removed from an activity for inappropriate behavior and asked to sit alone quietly for a specified time to think about his actions. It can be a very effective way to help an aggressive kid calm down. In fact, many parents call the time-out location "the thinking chair" or "cool-down corner." Time-out is the kind of consequence that should be customized depending on the age of your child, his temperament and personality, and the severity of the misbehavior. For some kids, it's an unendurable cruelty, and for others it's no fun but not a big deal either.

Here are a few general tips for using time-out:

• Find a quiet, safe, well-lit, and isolated part of the house, and set it aside for time-out.
• Be sure to set aside an appropriate chair (no beanbag or recliner).
• Be sure there's no access to games, toys, music, pets, food, TV, friends, phone, or other distractions.
• Make sure the area is one where she may not receive attention and is out of the general household traffic.
• Set an appropriate time. The simplest rule for determining the time length for kids seven and under is one minute for each year of the child's age (three years equals three minutes, six years equals six minutes, and so on). Remember that these are the minimum times. Do not let your kid out earlier. The length of the extinction depends on the severity of the infraction and your child's age.
• Always tell your child exactly how long he is required to remain in time-out. Set a timer with a bell so you know exactly when the time is up. Then keep the timer near you so you maintain control of it.
• Don't shave time off the time-out period. Once it's set, stick to it and be consistent.
• The clock starts as soon as your kid stops resisting and begins the time-out properly.
• Once time-out is established as a consequence, it must be enforced. The child is not allowed to leave time-out until he behaves appropriately: sitting quietly without talking and remaining for the stipulated time. If he doesn't behave, add an extra minute of time-out from the moment he does act right. For instance, if he's been misbehaving in time-out for twelve minutes and then finally sits quietly, add one more minute for his perfect behavior and then let him out.
• Don't peek in or respond to any attempts for attention. Any interaction with your child will only reinforce whatever misbehavior he is displaying. This is the time for your child to think for himself.
• Implement time-out anywhere your child displays the inappropriate behavior whenever possible: "You were hitting. Go sit on Grandma's bed for ten minutes." If you're not in an appropriate place, try to find one as soon as possible.
• Following the time-out, the child must still complete what you asked him to do. If he still doesn't comply, then double the time-out length.

After The Consequence

When the consequence or time-out has been served, ask your kid to describe what she did wrong and what she will do differently next time. If she can't remember or won't agree, she goes back to time-out, or the consequence is implemented again until she can. With younger kids or those who have difficulty remembering, you will need to guide them with their answers. Remember that a crucial part of an effective makeover is helping your kid learn what she did wrong so she won't be as likely to repeat the same misbehavior.

Some parents ask their child to draw or write a description explaining what they did wrong. Kids can also be required to prepare a "statement of intent" – a drawing, sentence, paragraph, or essay that explains how they plan to make over their own bad behavior so they don't repeat it.

If your kid does not comply with the consequence or doesn't complete the length of time-out correctly, go to Code Red, the highest level of punishment. She now loses the privilege of something she really cares about for a specified time period – an hour for little tykes and twenty-four hours for bigger kids. Make sure the possession or privilege is something you personally can control, such as use of the phone, computer, skateboard, video games, or TV. You and your kid agreed to the Code Red consequence previously, so now you must follow through.

Did You Know?

Did you ever wonder if how you discipline has anything to do with how your kids turn out? Leonard Eron, a research psychologist at the University of Illinois, was interested in just that. He studied 870 eight year olds in rural New York State to find out how their parents disciplined them, from using no physical punishment at all to slapping and spanking, and if it had any correlation to whether the kids became aggressive. He discovered that the more severely their parents punished them, the more aggressive they were with other kids. Twenty years later, Eron studied the same kids as adults. Those who were the most aggressive as kids became aggressive adults with aggressive children themselves.