Yelling at Children Doesn't Work

by Katy Abel

Yelling is Contagious
When it comes to parents losing their cool, researchers have found that negative emotions like anger, cynicism, or sarcasm can actually spread within a family, not unlike second hand smoke.

"We know that someone smoking is doing damage to their own health, but it's also bad for the people around them," says David Almeida, assistant professor of Family Studies at the University of Arizona. "We think that being in a bad mood is something that other family members can catch as well."

In a series of four studies published last spring in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, Almeida and other researchers reported that negative emotions like anger spread more frequently in traditional nuclear families than in single parent households headed by women. Fathers were found to transmit more negative emotions than women, not because they're "bad guys," but because of, researchers theorize, the way men are taught to process feelings (big boys don't cry, etc.)

"They're taught to bottle up their emotions, but bottling them up doesn't mean that kids can't tell you're in a bad mood," Almeida notes. "Mothers are much more likely to tell people why they're upset and if children know, they're less likely to attribute it to themselves."

The research shows that instead of promising never to get angry again – a resolution any parent will surely fail to keep – talking with your children about your feelings, telling them why you're upset, is the key to stopping the transmission of bad vibes within the household.

Tips on Keeping Your Cool
It's not just a Disney movie from the 50's. It could be your child's description of you losing your cool. How can you avoid the label, 'Old Yeller?' Some ideas from parents and teachers:

"Button pushing is a full-time hobby for my boys. I have found it is much more effective if I get down on my knees or sit on the floor at their level. It is much less intimidating to them and they seem to be able to focus on what I am saying." – Douglas, at-home father of three.

"When they get crazier, I get quieter. I try imagery. I'll look at all the kids and find the one who is the least distracted and say, 'George, you are like a gull standing quietly on a beach with the waves crashing in.' That'll get some kids' attention and I'll find another kid. 'Susie, you are like a rock that never shifts with the tide.' I'm saying this in a very hushed voice and everybody starts looking at me like I'm crazy! It gets their attention! It really works!" – Stephanie, 2nd grade teacher.

"When I lose it, I'll ask them, 'What can we do to make this better?' Sometimes I walk out of the room. Sometimes I'll try to think about the extent to which my reaction (to the kids) may be due to stress at work or something else. I think we have to remember that some parents have the luxury of time, others don't. I think that plays into how you react, when you're late to a 9 o'clock meeting and your child is giving you a hard time about putting on a shoe." – David, father of two.

"One time, I was on the phone and my two youngest, ages 4 and 6, were running through the kitchen just laughing their heads off. They would stop, take a drink of apple juice, go running out, come back, take another drink, run out and so on.

When I got off the phone I found out what all the 'fun' was about: They were running around the dining room 'spritzing' apple juice over everything. The carpet. The walls. The table. I was about to hit the ceiling (the only place that didn't have juice), when I had enough sense to shoo them quickly out into the backyard. Then I began to yell and yell and yell at the top of my lungs. They couldn't hear me, which was precisely the idea. Much better than going overboard on the kids. – Pete, father of three.

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