The Responsibilities of the Custodial Parent
If you are the custodial parent, you will be spending more time than your ex-spouse does getting the kids off to school; buying their clothes; and taking them to the doctor and dentist, after-school activities, and friends' houses. But, hey, you were doing all that before.
What's really different for you now? For one thing, you won't have backup for discipline on a daily basis. You might be the one helping the kids with their homework all the time. If you haven't so far, maybe you will be the one pitching them balls or shooting baskets with them after school.
These changes are not all bad. Your relationship with your children will get even closer than before, when you might have pushed them along to their other parent, so he or she could play his or her role as “mother” or “father.” Now, you can explore the other side of parenting.
“But when will I get a break?” you might ask. Your break comes when your kids are with their other parent. That's a nice, solid break. Enjoy it!
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
It might take some time to adjust to having meals with one parent missing. Not only will it remind you of your new marital state but, after a while, you might crave the company of other adults. What to do? Invite friends or neighbors over for dinner once or twice a week. Take your children out to restaurants so you can be surrounded by people, or just enjoy catching up with your kids' daily activities. Don't park them in front of the TV while they're eating. Have your meals together. That will give all of you a chance to talk about the day's events and will provide a stronger sense of family.
Working Single Parents and “Latch-Key” Kids
You Can Do It!
As an experienced parent, you have probably checked out the range of organized activities available to your child during after-school hours. If you haven't found anything that works, be sure to contact the local YMCA or Boys and Girls Clubs, your church or synagogue, and your child's school, which may well offer enrichment activities, intramural sports, or clubs. For older children, volunteer activities organized by youth organizations can be ideal.
Custodial parents who used to stay home to raise the children may now work outside the house to help make ends meet, or even to fulfill their personal or professional aspirations. Either way, this situation increases the number of “latch-key kids”—children who come home from school to an empty home. Of course, the number of families in which both parents work has increased to 68 percent as of 1998, according to the US Census Bureau. So it's not just the children of single parents who let themselves into the house or apartment to care for themselves until a parent gets home. Entire books have been written on this phenomenon and its impact on society. We don't have the space for such analysis here, but we would like to present some basic guidelines:
- Common sense dictates that very young children should never be left alone. Beyond the obvious danger, it's illegal.
- Many states allow children aged 11 and older to stay home alone, but laws differ from state to state. If you are unsure of the laws in your area, contact your local District Attorney's office.
- Even if leaving your child home alone is legal, you must still make sure the circumstances are secure and that your child is comfortable with the idea. Do you live in an apartment building with a doorman the children can call on if there's a problem? Are there adult neighbors your children may contact? As a general rule, children need the security and experience of an adult nearby through the early teen years, especially if the parent will be away for an extended period of time.
- Finally, if you plan to leave your older children home alone, make sure they are armed with emergency phone numbers and strategies for dealing with an array of situations, from physical injury to prank phone calls.
An Issue of Discipline
Studies have shown that children do best with firm guidance combined with a lot of communication and affection. You may be tempted to overindulge your children to make up for the pain they are going through because of your divorce. This approach has been shown to have the worst outcome for children. Frankly, a stricter attitude toward discipline (we're not promoting hitting here!) seems to help children and teenagers more than an overly permissive style. At this unsettled time, children need definite boundaries and limits combined with a lot of patience, love, and understanding.
Caring for Yourself
Silver Linings
If you and your spouse had been battling it out for custody and visitation, be grateful now that the other spouse wants to be active in your children's lives. While you might fear the times when your children are away from you and you are denied access to them, you will come to realize that the time they spend with their other parent gives you a much-needed break, allows your children to have both parents in their lives, and gives you help with the monumental tasks of parenting.
One of the most important things you can do to support your kids is to take care of yourself. If you are an unhappy parent, it will have a major effect on your children. They look to you for strength and support. It's frightening to children of any age to see a parent lost to depression and thus removed from them emotionally; for many, the situation provokes anxious feelings of losing that parent as well, something especially painful at the time of divorce. To help them, help yourself by:
- Getting enough rest and exercise, and eating healthily.
- Putting yourself in places where you can meet new people.
- Getting busy with renovating your new life; start with renovating your house or apartment, even if it's just a fresh coat of paint and some new throw rugs!
- Taking an adult education class or volunteering.
- If necessary, going into psychotherapy for a while.
If you are the custodial parent, you have a lot on your plate. As long as your ex-spouse is in the picture, however, you are not entirely alone in raising your children.
Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce © 2002 by BookEnds, LLC. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
To order this book visit the Idiot's Guide web site or call 1-800-253-6476.
