Deciding on Divorce

Sometimes relationships cannot be salvaged. There are problems that cannot be resolved with therapy and an effort at better communication. Some people are incompatible at their core. Some relationships are violent and contaminated by drugs or alcohol, and some relationships have such a serious lack of trust that they cannot be restored. In these situations there is no choice but to divorce. Although divorce is difficult for children in any situation, it is worse to stay in a marriage that is destructive to your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

When Breaking Up Is Bravery, Not Cowardice

This is one of the most difficult decisions a woman can make. If you are the one having to decide whether your marriage is healthy for you and your children, I pray that you have the internal guidance, wisdom, and strength to make this decision wholeheartedly. If you have to make a difficult choice you should not beat yourself up over it. You are not a failure or a bad mother for choosing to end a destructive marriage. If you make the decision with thoughtfulness and an eye toward the larger implications, you should be considered brave. It is one of the most difficult situations you will ever face. It may seem as though your world is coming to an end, but you can survive and create a new and better life.

The most important thing you need is faith in yourself. Endurance doesn't hurt either. Divorce is an internal emotional battle as well as a conflict between two people. A strong support system is a blessing. So is faith in something higher than yourself.

Some married partners manage to “uncouple” by mutual agreement—they manage to make the break amicably. When it is done this way you can present it to your children in a united way and there will be less stress in the way you work out the details of your ultimate separation.

In reality, however, divorce tends not to be friendly. Even when both people eventually come to agree that divorce is the right thing to do, most divorces are instigated by one partner against the other.

Emotions will flare and blame and accusation will become the order of the day. Once the decision to separate has been made, human nature requires some kind of emotional distancing. This is why former lovers often become the bitterest of enemies. If one person is the so-called “wronged” party, he or she is going to have a particularly strong need to depersonalize the relationship and make the former partner an adversary.

Deciding to Make the Break

People can become very dysfunctional when their marriage is in trouble. My first husband and I tried therapy and were literally fired by our therapist. We definitely could not communicate. To make it worse, we were both trained litigators. We were not married very long—only four years—but it was long enough to make an impression on me. And we also had a child together.

I've been married twice. Neither marriage had any real chance for permanence. Each time I married, I lacked the self-awareness to know that what I was doing was not right for me. My first marriage was so unsuccessful that I tried everything possible to keep the second marriage alive long after I should have thrown in the towel. I slowly realized, however, that I had once again chosen my marriage partner poorly.

Deciding to end this relationship was one of the healthiest things I have ever done. It gave me a chance to use what I had learned to create a life that would sustain my emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Even though I had two difficult experiences, I would always recommend marriage if you find the right person.

Divorce is not the easiest way to cope with dissatisfaction with your marriage. It comes with a high price, particularly when there are children involved. Unless your marriage threatens you physically, mentally, or spiritually in a significant way, you and your husband should try everything possible to keep your family together.

Early Steps to Separate Lives

When you decide to end a marriage you are going to feel temporarily insane. You may need some psychological help because divorce is one of the most stressful situations you will ever experience. You have to get used to the reality that someone you loved is no longer even a friend. When you first split up you will be amazed at the amount of anger involved. You might not have a conversation with your estranged husband except through lawyers. You might be facing a war over things that otherwise would not seem important. Divorcing couples fight over the division of property. And, most important, they fight over how to care for the children.

Consider the Children

It's best to approach uncoupling as reasonably as possible. If you can avoid a battle over custody you stand a greater chance of moving ahead with your life in a healthy way. Most important, the more vicious the divorce, the more it will hurt the emotional growth of your children.

The single most damaging factor for children of divorce is the continued conflict between the parents. If the parents have a bloodbath and vent their emotions through the court system, the children are the victims. They feel like rubber bands pulled between the two most important people in their lives. They have an inherent loyalty to each parent and should never be made to choose.

Working Through the Visitation Worries

When your children spend time with their father you are sure going to feel a sense of helplessness, and you will want to know what goes on at his house. It is only natural. In many situations the children have not been away from you, their mother, for any length of time. When you divorce, unless the court finds strong reasons to prevent this, you are going to have to send your children to their father's house while you stay home and worry.

Shared Custody Works Best for Kids

What divorcing parents frequently forget is that the child loves both of them and doesn't want to have to pick sides. The child will want to maintain a relationship with both his mother and his father. Even in cases of violence and abuse. Unfortunately, in some situations the court has to limit the involvement of one parent. The children who have the most difficult time adjusting are those who are prevented from seeing and having a relationship with one parent. When a parent is suddenly absent from their lives children frequently think it is because of something they have done wrong.

Your Child Needs the Two of You

In typical circumstances your child will adjust best if he or she is permitted to have a relationship with both parents. That is to say, your child should feel neither your interference nor your disapproval when she builds a relationship with your ex. Even if your ex is not as supportive of this philosophy as you are, do not be pulled into an ongoing battle. Your children are able to learn by example.

Your child will have issues with her father that are separate from your relationship with her. Although it is very difficult to do, you should let them resolve their own issues. Be supportive but do not get in the middle; if you do, you will be the one to get burned. Children of divorce learn the art of manipulation. Do not be played as a pawn.

Calming Down the Combativeness

The actual process of divorce can be a nightmare. Otherwise reasonable and intelligent people have been known to slash their spouse's clothing and throw it out a window. People will wipe out bank accounts, leaving the other person with nothing. Some people even resort to violence. Divorce touches everyone at the core of their sense of security. There is a process of anger and grieving much like the one that occurs in a death.

Moving Through Mediation

You can prolong and accentuate the agony or you can try to approach divorce through mediation. Mediation is a fairly new system that is being adopted in most states. It is a wonderful alternative to standard divorce proceedings because the mediator, a neutral third party with certain education and certification, helps couples dissolve their marriages with the least amount of conflict. The conflict is resolved in a setting that is intended to balance the power between the parties so that both can express themselves and reach mutual agreement.

Both parties typically receive advice from individual attorneys so that they are aware of their rights, but in a mediation there are no lawyers present. The mediator may be a lawyer but he or she does not work as an advocate for either side. This gives the parties much more control in determining their own destinies and ultimately leads to greater cooperation between the parties as they continue to be parents to their children.

Keeping Children's Interests Paramount

One of the nicer aspects of mediation is that it strives to keep the interests of the child at the center of the process, and separates the issues of child custody and property. In standard divorces custody issues often are used as leverage to influence the property settlement. People can be vicious when money is involved.

When the custody portion of mediation is complete, mediators often suggest bringing the children into the process so they can understand the changes that are going to occur. It is important to stress to a child that although Mom and Dad are divorcing each other neither of them is divorcing the child. Mediated agreements can even reflect statements of intention, as if the couple were substituting for the marriage vows a vow to continue to parent together.

There is no doubt that children with this kind of divorce experience adjust much more readily than children who are used as pawns in a dysfunctional adult chess game.

Custody Concerns

There are many ways to arrange custody of the children. It is not always necessary to divide time equally. Different schedules can accommodate the goal of fostering a relationship in both households. For example, not all ex-husbands are interested in having any custody at all. If your ex is interested, it is good to provide for access to school information and notices as well as to communicate about health matters. With the help of your mediator, you'll want to structure an agreement that enables each parent to be a parent while not causing too much interaction between the divorced couple.

If both of you know what is expected of you and such things as schedules are clear, there is very little reason for you to have to interact with your ex. What you want is a cordial relationship with your ex after the divorce. You do not want to be best friends if you can help it because that would send too many mixed signals to your children—they'll never give up the dream that someday you and their dad will get back together. It will also prevent you from moving on with your life. You will always have some emotional attachment to the father of your children but you should not put yourself in a position of hanging onto the past. With a little emotional distance, the past can look very rosy—and forgetting why the decisions were made can pull you into a great deal of internal turmoil.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

When your decision has been made and the details have been ironed out, you have to deal with the real issues of the divorce. Your children are going to need special attention to help them adjust to the changes in their lives.

Here are a few of the things to watch out for with children of divorce:

• Children of divorce often become skilled manipulators. Do not fall into the “buy-me-this” trap because you feel guilty.
• Children of divorce may have some backlash adjustments that do not appear until later. Just as you do, your children need to work through their feelings of loss and insecurity.
• Children of divorce may try to blame you for things because you feel you deserve it. This is a sure way to lose the balance of power in your home. You are the Mom, so you need to be in charge.
• Children of divorce may cling to you while they go through the adjustment to the new family structure. Don't be alarmed. It will pass. Just give a lot of hugs and reassurance that everything will work out, even if you are not sure it will.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood © 1999 by Deborah Levine Herman. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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