Two Parents, Two Homes

Transitions are difficult for children, especially young children. (This is also true for many adults, depending on their temperament.) Try to remember what it feels like when you stay at a friend's house; there's the strange bed and bathroom, the likes and dislikes of the individual you're visiting, the different routines. The first night you might feel uncomfortable. You miss your own bed, your carpet, your morning coffee; you long to be free to look really grungy until you've completed your morning routine. Imagine this scenario, and you will begin to understand what your child's back-and-forth experience is like. To your advantage, you are an adult with an adult's perspective. Children, on the other hand, have fewer life experiences and also often experience time differently. What might be just a weekend to you feels more like a month to a child. What might be a two-week summer vacation to you seems like a lifetime to a child.

Although your children love their other parent, the transition between households might still be hard because it is a major change in your children's reality. For children, every reunion is also a separation; every transition is bittersweet. Every “hello” is also a “goodbye.”

Each “new” parent should give the children time to adjust to the transition and not get overly concerned with behaviors that seem unusual during the initial period after the change. Be sensitive to your children. Read a book or do some other quiet activity with them. If they seem to need some space, finish what you were doing before they came over. In time, things will get back to normal.

Six Strategies for Helping Your Kids with Change

Here are some ideas for helping your kids handle the transition from one parent to the other. You know your children best, so think hard about what makes sense for your family:

1. Make a calendar with your children. The calendar should include the highlights of their schedule, including all major activities and especially those times when they will be with the other parent.
2. Remind your children that they are leaving the day prior to the visit.
3. Depending on the age of your children, help them pack their traveling bags the day before they leave. If they are school-aged, make sure that their homework is included. Have a young child choose his or her own traveling bag. His input into this symbol of his transition will help give him a feeling of involvement and control.
4. To ease the packing and make them feel more comfortable when they are at the other parent's house, let children keep certain basics (toothbrush, comb, pajamas, and so on) at both houses.
5. Give very young children a traveling bear or other stuffed toy to help provide a sense of security.
6. Let your child take a picture of the absent parent with him or her.

Making the Exchange Smoothly

If you and your spouse or ex-spouse have a working relationship, the transition from one home to the other is easier on both the parents and the children. Children sense their parents' tacit approval and take with them the good wishes of the parent they are leaving. Even though the sudden change is stressful, knowing that the parent being left supports the departure and will be fine during their absence gives the children the foundation they need to cope.

Seeing Your Ex as Your Child's Parent

Keep your feelings about your ex-spouse to yourself. To lessen the uncomfortable feelings you might have when you face your ex-spouse during the exchange, see him or her through your child's eyes, as your child's parent. This technique will help keep your attitude positive during the exchange, which in turn will allow your children to feel okay about leaving you. And you really want your children to feel okay about leaving you. (Don't worry; they'll come back!)

Shielding Your Children from Conflict

If you think you're delivering your children to the enemy, they will sense your tension.

Follow these guidelines for reducing parental conflict:

• Communicate only when necessary.
• Keep a mental image of your spouse as your children's parent.
• Think of your parenting relationship as a business relationship.
• Don't get hooked into old patterns of fighting or being goaded into a nasty retort.
• Use clear and simple language without taking a judgmental or accusatory stance.
• Keep conversations as brief as possible.
• End any communication that looks as if it might escalate into a shouting match.
• When face-to-face with your ex-spouse during your children's transition from one home to the other, bury your feelings and exchange polite greetings. Keep it short.
• Don't discuss arrangements or other business with your ex-spouse during transitions.
• Turn the other cheek to any sarcastic or accusatory comments. Excuse yourself as quickly and politely as possible.
• Don't exchange checks and money in front of your children.
• Don't use children as messengers or delivery people.
• Have a positive attitude.
• Give a hug and a kiss goodbye to your children; wish them a good time.
• Smile. A happy parent makes for secure children.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce © 2002 by BookEnds, LLC. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

To order this book visit the Idiot's Guide web site or call 1-800-253-6476.