Facing a Formal Dinner Gracefully

Now that you've solved the mysteries of the banquet hall and the buffet table, you are ready to move on to that most daunting dining dilemma—the formal dinner. You'll be able to handle this challenge with grace and confidence if you know what to expect and how to react.

Before Sitting Down

A lipstick trail is the red badge of discourtesy. Take precautions before you reach the table. This is also the time to visit the restroom for hair repair and other finishing touches. Remember to greet everyone before sitting down. Gentlemen must rise to greet latecomers. They may also rise when ladies leave and return to the table, although today's woman should not expect this behavior. A server will draw the chair for you. Enter from your left.

Napkins

After you are seated, wait for your host to make the first napkin move. When the host places the napkin on his or her lap, the guests should follow suit. Similarly, at the end of the meal, the host should be the first to place the napkin on the table to signal that the meal is over, having made certain that everyone at the table has finished.

Large dinner napkins should remain folded in half and placed across your lap with the fold facing your waist. Never “flap” the napkin to unfold it.

If you leave the table during the meal, place the napkin on your chair. If the server does not push the chair back under the table, you should do so. The server may also refold your napkin and place it on the arm of your chair during your absence.

At the end of the meal, do not refold the napkin. Pick it up from its center and place it loosely on the table to the left of your plate.

Wine

Wine will be served during a formal dinner. If you don't want wine, place your fingertips lightly on the rim of the glass when the server approaches to pour. (Never turn your glass upside down.) Say, “I'm not having any today” (or this evening or tonight). The today sends a message: You don't disapprove of wine, and the others should feel no compunction about enjoying their wine if they choose.

Wine is offered with the first course (soup) and will be poured from the right. Red wine (and brandy) glasses are held by the bowl because the warmth of the hand releases the bouquet. Red wine glasses may also be held by the stem, but white wine and champagne glasses are always held by the stem, so as not to diminish the chill.

Wait until your host has lifted his or her glass before you drink.

The Seven Courses

Once again, the number of pieces of silverware will indicate the number of courses you can expect, and the general rule is to start from the outside.

You may expect the formal dinner to consist of seven courses, in this order: soup, fish, sorbet (or other palate cleanser), a meat or fowl dish, salad (often served with cheese), dessert, and coffee.

Courses are served from the left, removed from the right. Wine is poured from the right. (It helps to know from which direction they will be coming at you.)

Try to finish each course at about the same time as others around you. When you are finished with a course, hoist out the “I am finished” pennant. Here's how: Visualize a clock face on your plate. Place both the knife and fork in about the 10:20 position with the points at 10 and the handles at 20. The prongs of the fork should be down, and the blade of the knife should face you. If you have been eating the course with the fork only, place it prongs up in the same position as the knife when finished. Placing flatware in the finished position facilitates the server clearing from the right. He or she can secure the handles with the thumb, thus reducing the risk of dropping them in the diner's lap.

Hoist out the “I am resting” pennant when you want to pause during a course and don't want the server to snatch your plate away. In this case, the knife and fork are crossed on the plate with the fork over the knife and the prongs pointing down. The knife should be in the 10:20 position, as on the face of a clock; the fork prongs should be at two o'clock, and the handle at eight o'clock, forming an inverted V. It is also correct to form the inverted V without crossing fork over knife.

Servers in fine restaurants are usually trained to recognize the I-am-finished and the I-am-resting signals. Now let's look at how to deal with each course.

First Course: Soup

When eating soup, tilt the spoon away from you (dip the outer edge of the spoon, rather than the edge closest to you, into the soup first). This technique diminishes dribble danger and looks more appealing. Sip from the side (not the front) of the spoon, making no more noise than a spider. Yes, you may tilt the soup plate (often, inaccurately, called the soup bowl) away from you to access the last of the soup.

Leave your spoon on the soup plate. However, if the soup is served in a two-handled bowl or bouillon cup, leave the spoon on the underlying saucer.

Second Course: Fish

Watch out. In fine restaurants the fish course is often served with special fish knives and forks. In that case, hold the fish fork in your left hand, prongs down, as in the continental style of dining.

Use the fish knife to break the fish and push it onto the fork. You hold the fish knife differently than you do a dinner knife because you're not actually cutting the fish but merely breaking it apart. Hold the knife between your thumb and your index and middle fingers.

If the fish is soft and boneless, you need use only the fork. In this case, leave the fish knife on the table. Hold the fork in your right hand, prongs up. The prongs can be either up or down when the fork is resting on the plate after you're finished.

Remove fish bones with your thumb and index finger and place the bones on the side of the plate.

Third Course: Sorbet

Although the serving of sorbet dates back to the Roman Empire when hosts served packed snow brought down from the mountains to clear the palates of the guests, sorbetto did not emerge until the middle of the sixteenth century in Italy. These days a sorbet is served only between the fish and meat courses, but it was once served to clear the palate of the distinctive flavors of each course and get it ready for the next.

If the sorbet is served with a garnish, go ahead and eat the mint leaves, fresh herbs, or flower petals.

Fourth Course: Meat and Fowl

Here you get more serious with the use of your knife than you did during the fish course. But you should still try to use it more like a surgeon than a lumberjack would. Place your index finger about an inch down from the handle, on the back of the blade, to help you press down firmly. Hold the fork in your left hand, prongs down. Spear the meat and hold it firmly in place with the fork while you cut. Only cut enough food for each mouthful.

It's okay to put a small amount of potatoes and vegetables on the fork along with the meat.

Fifth Course: Salad

As with the fish course, you will use the salad fork and knife for this course, leaving the knife on the table if you don't need to cut anything. If cheese is served with the salad, place a small portion of cheese on your salad plate together with crackers or bread. Use the salad knife to put cheese on the crackers or bread.

Sixth Course: Dessert

When dessert is served with both fork and spoon, the fork is the pusher and the spoon is used for eating. Hold the fork in your left hand, tines down, and push the dessert onto the spoon in your right hand. Pie or cake requires only a fork. Ice cream and pudding require only a spoon. Leave the other utensil on the table.

Seventh Course: Coffee

Be careful not to overload your beverage with cream and sugar. Avoid swirling your coffee around too much, making a splash and puddle on your saucer. Don't slurp, but sip gently. If your coffee is too hot, let it sit for a while—don't blow on it. Finally, don't leave your spoon in the cup. Place it on your saucer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Manners at Mickey Dee's

At the other end of the spectrum, the fast-food eatery, the company lunchroom, or eating at your desk are venues about as informal as it gets. But informal does not mean sloppy. These scenarios never will replace the traditional meal; yet, they are clearly a part of life. here are some key points for handling them with grace:

• Watch that smell. Whether we are in a cubicle or on an airplane, it's rude to impose our cuisine on anybody else. High-odor foods such a fish, onions, and some lunch meats are offensive at best.
• use a knife and fork even if the food doesn't strictly dictate that. For example, a drippy chicken salad sandwich is more easily managed by eating the filling with a fork until it becomes more manageable. Ditto for pizza.
• Keep your playing field clean. those little packets of mustard, ketchup, sugar, and so on, are best hidden under your plate or immediately put into the bag the food came in. Nobody wants to feel they're next to someone who is starting a personal compost heap.
• Watch that sound. make sure you chew with your mouth closed, and don't slurp. Listening to your lunch goes a long way in killing an neighbor's appetite.

Although dining circumstances vary, you can handle them with more confidence by remembering the basics. Approach the experience with a positive attitude and a cheerful demeanor. Keep pace with the others. Watch your posture. Smile. When in doubt, do what your host does, or pick out the classiest person at the table and copy him or her. In other words: Dine among others as you would have them dine among you.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette © 2004 by Mary Mitchell. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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