Feeding Your Baby: Making Room for Fathers

The milk supplies of breastfeeding mothers should be reliable by 3 weeks. Introducing a bottle now won't interfere. Now a father can feed his baby too. He might start, for example, with a "night bottle" so that the mother can sleep a little longer. It can be a time when a father and his newborn are alone together and can get to know each other more intimately. He will discover how delicious it can be to hold his baby and look into his eyes, feeling his whole body sucking rhythmically, and then relaxing into sleep. Fathers can also help by fetching a sobbing baby from his crib to be breastfed, while a nursing mother settles into a comfortable position.

Although the father is helping, a mother is bound to feel jealous. She may not be aware of her competitive feelings, but find herself saying, "That's not the way you hold the baby. He's used to it this way." Or, "He likes to be burped every ounce. You give him too much at a time." I call this "gatekeeping." It will surface from time to time as a natural reaction to sharing a baby, a reaction that is to be expected.

Everyone who cares about the same baby will feel this competitive urge. Now is the time for each parent to try things out and find his or her own way. It's easy for one parent, often the mother, to feel superior right after she's been through an anxious learning period of her own. But each parent needs to go through their own trials and errors and learn. It will help to discuss your feelings with each other. When something goes even slightly wrong, everyone becomes upset. Being able to blame someone else is a relief: "If you did it my way, that would never have happened." But remember that everyone else is vulnerable too. The other parent, or a close relative, may even withdraw from helping you, or from getting to know your baby better. However, when parents can support each other, a baby will benefit from a special relationship with each parent.

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