Fathers and Feeding

Fathers are bound to feel left out as mothers nurse their babies. Their longing to be important to their new baby needs to be valued—though it may leave them feeling confused. They may not be aware that their fathers felt this way when they were being raised. For many fathers, the wish to nurture and to be nurtured isn't easily discussed.

Over the years, we have begun to recognize the positive effects of involved fathers on their children's development and the needs of fathers to be emotionally important and nurturing for their child. Just as women have come into their own in the workplace, men are discovering their need to take a more active role in nurturing. Men are more likely to be respected now for their commitment to nurturing their infants and children. Even so, most fathers still play only a secondary role when it comes to preparing food for and feeding children.

I would urge that a father be enlisted to feed the baby from the first. If the mother is trying to establish her breast milk supply, it may not be wise for him to feed the baby a bottle right away. But from the beginning he can participate by bringing the baby to the mother for feeding, along with some cushions to help her get comfortable. By about 3 weeks, when the mother's milk is established, a father can feed a bottle (with either expressed breast milk or formula) to the baby at night while the mother rests. This way, the baby can get used to two different kinds of sucking. Waiting much longer (4 to 6 weeks) may keep the baby from ever adjusting to the bottle.

Fathers who feed for the first time are likely to feel clumsy and tentative. So will the baby. She may already be used to working hard at the breast. She may gulp down her bottle-feeding, taking air with each noisy gulp. A wise father who hears his baby gulping will be prepared for forceful bubbles. Gingerly bubble her in the midst of the feeding, because the air underneath the milk can result in a sudden blast of milk and air. At the end of such a feeding, prop her at a 30 degree angle for 15-20 minutes before your final attempt at burping her. The milk will be more likely to stay down.

A first-time father needs to be protected from advice-giving observers: "That's not the way you hold a new baby! That's not the way you feed a baby!" No one can resist the urge to correct a new father. Be strong and be determined to try it out your own way. It's your baby, too! And you can and will learn so much from experimentation.

Learning about a baby is a process of trial and error. Mistakes are an inevitable part of finding a parent's way. But she'll be a lucky baby if her father learns about her and can feed her too. Use a rocking chair. Cuddle your baby before and after the feeding. Put her out in front of you on your legs to talk to her and to admire her. She will get to know you that way.

A baby will choose her father's voice and face over another male's voice and face by 2 weeks of age. She is already working to know you. And by 2 months, she will know you as a unique person in her life. Continue to feed her regularly, so she knows your smell, your touch, your way of holding her, and your way of talking to her at feeding times.

A father should be an active participant in each of his child's touchpoints of feeding. Give your wife some relief by sharing responsibility for the baby's feedings. And give her the chance to express her feelings about sharing the baby with you. The baby will profit from your sharing. She will "know" each of you more intimately.

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