Fostering Independent Feeding

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Feeding: The Brazelton Way

At 1 year, a child will be at an important crossroads for feeding. He will have learned that he can play with food or he can eat it. He can feed himself or he can feed the floor. He can make choices. He can shut his mouth tight. His opposition to being fed by others may be intense or mild. But no longer need he be at the mercy of being fed.

As parents, we need to recognize the opportunity we have at each feeding to enjoy and foster this independence, while keeping our role as protectors and nurturers. Can we accept the difference between the nurturing role we played when the child was "our baby" and the one we need to play now? As one mother said to me with tears in her eyes, "I hate giving up my baby. I know I want him to grow up, but I already feel as if I've lost him somehow. My only way to hold on to him is to be sure of his feeding. When he refuses me on that, too, I really feel as if my days of enjoying being a mother are over. It's no fun any longer."

A toddler demands that a parent face this new role. When a parent asks, "What do I do to stop a temper tantrum?" I have to break the news: "Nothing." When a parent asks, "How can I get him to eat a rounded diet?" again I must answer: "You can't." It hurts, doesn't it? It is so hard to let go and let a young child begin to learn on his own, especially when only he can help himself, and you really can't.

Ghosts from the Nursery

When I asked the mother of a 1-year-old baby, "Can you put up with his finger feeding and his playing with food?" she confided, "My stomach tightens up when he throws his food to the dog." "Do you have any idea why?" I asked.

"I hate to see food wasted," she said, unconvincingly.

"We all do, but I wonder why it gets to you so much," I persisted.

"Well, I can remember my own mother saying, 'You have to eat a little bit of everything. Clean your plate. There are children starving all over the world. You are lucky to have this food. You can't get up until you've finished your plate.'"

"Wow, that's quite a lot to remember," I said. "Do you think it has anything to do with your tightening stomach?"

She winced. "I swore I'd never, ever be like that with my children. I don't really want to be. What can I do?"

I try to help parents like this establish an alternative plan to help them face the 1-year-old's predictable opposition at mealtimes:

• Don't hover over him to feed him. Often, doing chores nearby in the kitchen keeps you out of it.
• Let him make his own choices.
• Offer two bits of finger food at a time, while you do your own work around the kitchen.
• Let him try out familiar and unbreakable utensils. Most children should be successful in using a spoon by 16 months. (In Japan, children begin to master chopsticks by 18 months! To me, this represents a toddler's determination to imitate his elders and to achieve a difficult step.)
• When he's downed two bits of food, give him two more.
• Stay behind him, not ahead of him in offering food.
• Try offering him one food at a time so he can concentrate on it without being distracted by others.
• When he begins to play with the food or throw it around, that's a signal: It's the end of the meal. Put him down calmly, and without criticism tell him, "All done."

No food between meals other than at regular times for snacks. Snacks are necessary for young children. At regular times every day they can include part of the child's daily dietary requirements. But no grazing. Grazing is a parent's way of trying to slip food in when a child isn't paying attention. And it prevents a child from becoming hungry enough to sit down for a meal.

When you have your family meal, the baby can be in his high chair as long as he's focused on eating his food or contributing to the family's fun of being together. When he's not, and begins to tease and test, put him down and let him play somewhere else—where it is safe for him to be on his own.

I used to recommend that the whole family always eat together. But with my own family I soon found out what every parent of a toddler already knows: "It is hell having him at the table when all he does is tease you about food." If family meals are painful with a 1-year-old, let the child stay nearby so that mealtime remains a social time. This way you can keep your 1-year-old from connecting negative memories with mealtimes, making it harder for meals to be enjoyable even when he is older. Parents may do best to feed a baby this age before the family meal. Then, at family mealtimes, the baby's contribution can be purely social.

"But," a parent will say, "he won't eat enough that way. He plays with his food, and all he wants is his milk. He isn't good enough with a spoon or fork. He throws a cup around." Right. He senses how important food is to us as parents. To take pressure off parents, I focus on four elements of a toddler's diet that are necessary. I share them with a toddler's parents so they can be as relaxed as possible about how much a toddler needs to eat in a 24-hour period to grow and be healthy. The following foods can be spread out over three meals and two or three snacks each day. (Of course, each child's actual requirements will depend on a variety of individual factors, including size, activity, and metabolism, among others, so check with your pediatrician to be sure you know what your baby's nutritional needs are.)

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Feeding: The Brazelton Way © 2004 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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