Four- and Five-Year-Olds: Picky Eating and Food Refusal

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Feeding: The Brazelton Way

These years are times for children to get into eating like the rest of the family—vegetables, using utensils rather than fingers, using a napkin rather than a bib, manners, sitting on a booster chair. But it is also a time when rebellion can take over. "No milk—just juice." "I'll wait for dessert." Only green vegetables—or yellow or red or no vegetables. A 4- or 5-year old is likely to use fingers, pickiness, or refusals to establish his independence or to play out his conflicts. Expect it and don't get into it with him except to acknowledge it: "You seem like you've really made up your mind about those green beans. There'll be other things to try tomorrow."

What can a parent do? I would suggest that a parent ignore the child's bid for a struggle as much as possible. If the child continues to dominate the family's time together, maybe it's time for that child to be excused from the table—until the next meal. Being ignored may be the most effective discipline for a child this age who is setting up a struggle over food.

Hold your line on the choices. "Juice in the morning, milk at every meal." Try to ignore his fixed interest in always eating certain foods and let him have them, unless they are unhealthy. Children this age are usually not interested in change or in trying out new foods. Their task at this age is learning table manners, starting with sitting still, using forks, knives, and spoons, eating and drinking without spills, and participating in mealtime conversation.

Keep junk food out of the house. "But other kids have them" is no excuse for junk food. Stand your ground and answer simply, "That's fine. You can try all that stuff when you visit." There is no point in making a fuss about an occasional taste of junk food at a friend's house—the more you make of it, the more appealing it is likely to become for your child. Over time, your child can even learn to be proud of his healthy choices and sophisticated tastes. Most of all, your child will learn to appreciate the foods that are present in his home, on his kitchen table—the foods that he sees his parents eat.

Food refusal can be a 4- or 5-year-old's way of establishing independence. Binges, pickiness, apparent "addictions" to one food and refusal of another are common at this age. Getting attention at the table and enlisting siblings in the struggle are also a part of this thrust toward independence.

Parents need to decide ahead of time how they will handle dessert. If dessert is only for children who have "finished" eating, food becomes a reward for good behavior instead of a source of nutrition and pleasure. It's easier to maintain healthy attitudes toward food and to avoid struggles if everyone has dessert when it is "dessert time." Desserts come after meals and are just that—the conclusion of a meal, not a reward, and not offered separately. Desserts that are particularly sweet and rich (for example, junk food pastries) are especially likely to interfere with a child's concentration on the rest of the meal—unless they are an unexpected surprise. Be sure that your desserts are not too exciting and are nourishing enough to make up for food shoved aside to "save room" for dessert. Fruit, applesauce, yogurt, and oatmeal cookies with nuts and raisins are possibilities.

A parent might say, "If you're not going to eat any more of your food, you may leave the table. Dessert? No, that's for when we're all ready." But remember that food can easily lose its value compared with the child's need to establish himself. At this age, his main struggle is to stand his ground and to save face. Your response needs to respect that as his most important goal.

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Feeding: The Brazelton Way © 2004 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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