Your Child and Friendships

by Dr. Kyle Pruett

Parents are reminded that the social influences shaping their kids' lives accelerate daily, competing with the lessons in personal values we have worked to instill. Sometimes more than homework and notices come home. Everything from a new obscenity to "well, that's not what Jamie has to do when he gets home." Of course we want our kids to experience the rich variety of the human condition, but it can give us the willies to hear what our kids are learning from friends and their families about the way the world works at someone else's house.

The longing for friends can vary, but it is a rare child who isn't jerked around fairly regularly by the powerful pull to be like someone else. When my older daughter was in the third grade, she was thrilled to be invited by a "cool" group of three girls to play exclusively at recess and exchange sleep-overs. Eventually, I discovered that this cunning little trio targeted certain girls to be drawn in for this special treatment so that they could be later thrown out when it was time for a new domination cycle. It took the combined wits of parent, teacher, and kids to break up this destructive little cabal. My 25-year-old daughter still winces when recalling how out of control all of this felt to her. But we all need a gang sometimes.

Why does she want to be friends with her? Still, our children's choice of buddies can be startling. Everything from bullies to passive tag-a-longs, to potential terrorists. But take a look at how your own friendships vary. You probably like to talk more intimately with some, more casually with others, "play" or go out with some, and avoid competition with yet others at all cost. And you probably learned to do this over years of failed and successful friendships. Your kids deserve no less.

What your child may be telling you as they wander through the social marketplace of school, is that some of their friendships affirm who they are, some are intriguing because they are precisely who they are not, and some are in between. Remember listening to your pal talk back to the principal and thinking "Never would I do that," and yet keeping that person as a friend precisely because he brought something to your world that you didn't already have. Maybe those friends were a little thrilling to be around if your life was a little predictable, or conversely maybe they were calming if you were on the wired side. And some kids you kept around because your parents were simply bewildered by what you saw in them.

What makes a kid popular? The desire to be popular, while not universal, drives many kids into situations that concern us. But what makes a kid popular? Kids who listen, don't play favorites, have few skills that are admirable, smile and know how to take turns, are loyal, and are generally of the same sex. But popularity itself is fickle, as we see some kids being popular at certain ages and not at others. Being able to share matters a lot to younger children, while being creative matters to older kids. Being empathetic and knowing how to resolve problems kicks in even later. A you can probably see from this list, most kids will have a crack at the limelight sooner or later. Help them be patient. Group compliance is one of the least efficient ways to achieve popularity, because kids like leaders more than followers.

The aggressive friend Parents' greatest worry these days is the aggressive or oppositional friend, who seems to encourage breaking or stretching rules. There may be more of these kids around these days. Kindergarten teachers are seeing an increasing number of pretty tough customers, boys and girls, veterans of group-care environments of variable quality, showing up at kindergarten with big chips on their shoulders. Behaving for someone to whom you are not emotionally related can be a difficult lesson for these kids. What does it matter to the child to control her impulses or try to behave for a person who is employed to look after her? Controlling her more destructive and selfish urges won't be rewarded by that deepening trust which grows inside a loving relationship over time, eventually leading to the mastery of those impulses. This mastery then leads to that sense of inner self control which characterizes kids who can love and be loving themselves. I am usually not too worried, however, when I see that Beanie Baby tucked in to a back pocket or backpack. Tenderness, support, and loving limits are always appropriate.

Learning from you What you do about your kid's search for the perfect friend matters more than you probably want to believe. Louisiana State University researchers found that young children whose parents explained their decisions, used logical consequences for unwelcome behavior, and sought kids' input in discipline, were better liked by their peers and were more cooperative in play that kids whose parents used physical punishment and belittled their children as part of limit setting. The apple stays close to the tree.

The other powerful lessons kids learn regarding friendship come from watching adults care for and about their friends. They listen carefully as you talk about your friends and how your friends talk about you, the keeping promises and secrets, the loyalties, jokes, the casserole when sick, the extra turn at car pool, the surprise party you throw for them -- all are lessons more powerful than words.

More on: Social and Emotional Health for Kids