The "Grand" in Grandparents
by Joan KuerstenTo many children, grandparents really are "grand" — as in magnificent and wonderful. After all, Grandma and Grandpa always are happy to see them, let them stay up late and sleep in, cook their favorite foods, buy them a beloved toy, and listen attentively as they recount their dreams and disappointments. Grandma and Grandpa just revel in their grandchild's presence, and vice-versa.
"Grandparents and grandchildren are kind of hard-wired to connect in ways very different from parents and children," says Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, founder and president of the Foundation for Grandparenting, a nonprofit organization committed to promoting the importance of grandparenthood. "They have this adoration and unconditional love and joy in one another's existence."
Grandparents are not burdened by the inherent judgment that parents face: namely, that a child's behavior reflects their effectiveness as parents. In essence, grandparents are freer to enjoy their grandchildren. Although today's grandparents may have busy lives, they aren't as likely to be overscheduled as their sons and daughters. "They have time to spend with their grandchildren, and their grandchildren know this," says Carleton Kendrick, family therapist.
Safety Net
Both Kornhaber and Kendrick acknowledge that when the grandparent-grandchild relationship has been nurtured, it provides the child with a strong sense of emotional security. Kornhaber says, "If for some reason their parents falter, children know they can rely on Grandma and Grandpa to catch them." Today, when millions of children are being raised by their grandparents, this has never been more important.
Keepers of History
Grandparents also provide children with a connection to the family's past. They give kids a sense of where they came from, a defining element in their identity. "Grandparents are the keepers of the family history," says Kendrick. "They are the talking photo albums of what the family is like." Because kids have a natural curiosity about the "old days," they like hearing stories, for example, about a grandfather's journey from Ireland in which he endured a week or more of sea travel in the bowels of a ship.
Children also like to hear stories about when their parents were little, especially with the parent present. "These stories humanize the parent," explains Kendrick. "In the child's eyes, the 30-, 40-, or 50-year-old parent is transformed into a child of 6, or 10, or 14."
According to Kornhaber, "Kids can learn from grandparents what they can't learn from anybody else." This kind of learning can include crafts or skills that are not readily taught today, such as tatting (making lace) or whittling wood. It can also mean learning about life as grandparents share the experiences that made them who they are today. In this way a grandparent can act as an experienced guide or mentor.
"Grandparents are a living testament to the resiliency of the human spirit," explains Kendrick. "They have withstood the ebb and flow of life and are still standing. In sharing their past conflicts and inner doubts, they're saying to their grandchildren, 'I know you're going to stumble, but in a little while you're going to triumph.'"
Grandparents Modeling Good Communication
Grandparents can also be models for parents in the area of fostering a child's sense of self-esteem. Kendrick suggests that parents who observe Grandma and Grandpa taking the time to listen to a grandchild's new music CD or lending a sympathetic ear to a child's troubles will internalize that very supportive behavior, and down the road they may do likewise.
Kornhaber remarks that, as the family elders, grandparents can take the lead on establishing periodic family conferences to discuss issues that will have an impact on all family members, such as a family move or grandparents moving to a retirement community. "People often do these things automatically without thinking about the emotional and spiritual price they're paying, so it's important at least to discuss such changes."
Reaching Beyond Today's Obstacles
Changes over the last several decades have created some obstacles to the grandparent-grandchild bond, such as extended family members not living in close proximity to each other and the increasing divorce rate. Still, families can and should maintain this important connection.
Grandparents and grandchildren can use current technologies to bridge the barrier of geographic distance. They can exchange jokes via email, share videotapes of important life events, and create audiocassettes of favorite stories. "With the invention of the Internet," notes Kornhaber, "grandparents and grandchildren can now play games, tell stories, and do puzzles together in real time, despite living far, far away from each other."
Grandparents can do a lot to keep the connection with their grandchildren alive by nurturing their relationship with their own children. According to Kornhaber, grandparents have to start long before grandchildren are born by taking a responsible role in nurturing their children's marriage. "And then, it's important to be present — or in the vicinity — after the grandchild is born, to offer help to the mother, as well as resources and energy to the young family."
Parents, in turn, can help support the grandparent-grandchild relationship by making visits ongoing and frequent. Kendrick suggests that if Grandma and Grandpa are traveling some distance to be with the family for a holiday, parents can encourage them to stay for more than a day or two.
Grandparents and grandchildren have a need to connect at a very intimate level. For grandchildren, grandparents are the mirrors of the child's emotional well-being, notes Kendrick. "Grandparents' arms are always open. There's no queuing up or waiting. Grandma or Grandpa always says, 'Come to me. I want to hear your voice. I want to touch you. I want to see you smile.'" For grandparents, this need for an intimate connection may come from an awareness of their own mortality. The opportunity to establish a close relationship with a grandchild allows them to leave a part of themselves with a child, explains Kornhaber. "The more time that a grandparent and grandchild share undivided attention, the more the grandchild can soak up the grandparent in his or her heart and mind."
Source: In partnership with National PTA. Adapted from "The 'Grand' in Grandparenting" in National PTA's Our Children magazine.
