Pregnancy
Dealing with Holiday Conflicts (and Satisfying Your In-Laws)
Parents often don't realize the problems their married children experience as they try to balance loyalties to their own parents as well as to their in-laws and spouse. If the older generation didn't experience the same stress, they may not be able to understand how difficult this problem can be to their children, especially to young couples just setting their own boundaries in the relationship.
And if they do realize it, they may not care. "We raised you and we deserve the pleasure of your company at least a few times a year," your parents may bellow. "You spent last New Year's with your sister-in-law. What about us?" your brother-in-law may complain.
Holiday pressure is especially tough on two-career families. Because both partners are working, there is little time for laundry, shopping, cleaning, and nurturing the relationship, much less seeing the in-laws. Women particularly may feel pressured to play the traditional roles at holidays to compensate for jealousy over their career success. What can you do to deal with the conflicts in-laws can cause on holidays? Here are some suggestions:
Start by making a worksheet to solidify your thinking. This can help you decide where to go on those special days-or whether you would like to celebrate the holiday in your own home. Why not try this worksheet, "Celebrating Holidays" on for size?
Got your "Celebrating Holidays" checklist? Now you're armed and ready for the next step: Learning my ways to resolve holiday conflicts. Try the following ideas on for size. I guarantee that several will suit you perfectly! (How can I be so sure? I tried them all in the field myself…)
Don't Go There
Under no circumstances let your in-laws pit one of you against the other. Think of yourselves as the Great Wall of China: Present a solid, united front against outside assault.
Be loyal to your mate.
Your first allegiance is to your spouse. No matter how heavy a guilt trip your relatives lay on your shoulders at holiday time, recognize that you and your spouse are a couple. By promising to love, honor, and work through the toilet seat issue, you have created your own family. Now that you're a team, work as one.
This doesn't mean that you should throw out your family and in-laws as you would your old Partridge Family albums. Instead, make your in-laws a part of your new family, the one you have formed with your beloved.
Make a decision.
There are times when you can sit on the fence -- but making a decision about which in-laws to spend the holidays with isn't one of them. With your spouse, discuss all areas of potential conflict and then create a game plan. Figure out where you're going for the holiday, when, and why. Plan what you're going to say when the other side pitches a fit. Use the worksheet you filled out earlier to crystallize your thinking.
Recognize that you can't be all things to all in-laws.
As you've probably learned, whatever decision you make is going to upset someone. That's life. There are so many valid issues that you can chew yourself up over, so why make this one of them? Save the angst for other issues. Make your holiday decision, announce it to the relatives, and move on. I know this is a lot easier said than done (especially for someone like me who can hold a grudge until it reaches legal age), so work with me here.
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Excerpted from:
Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing with In-Laws © 1998 by Laurie E. Rozakis, Ph.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
To order this book visit Amazon.com or call 1-800-253-6476.
