Getting Along During Wedding Preparations

How else can you help bring the in-laws together over the wedding preparations while getting the wedding you want? Here are some ideas:

1. For the bride and groom…

   • This is your wedding. If you have strong convictions on a specific issue, say so -- or forever hold your peace.

   • Establish your identity as a couple by sticking together and making joint decisions.

   • If you are paying the entire cost of the wedding, you can theoretically have things exactly the way you want. But be careful what you wish for…you may get it. Instead of being a big baby, consider giving in on small issues to establish good relations with your in-laws from the get-go.

   • If you are not footing the bill, be prepared to compromise on significant issues.

   • No matter who pays for the wedding, the wedding couple ought to discuss and decide on such important issues as the day, time, religious or secular service, customs, location, guest list, music, and so on.

   • Under no circumstances act as the negotiator between the two sets of parents. Even if you are the chief negotiator for the UN, it's not your job to arrange peace in our time among the in-laws. It is your job to get married.

2. For the parents, parents-in-law, sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law…

   • Remember that this is your child's or child-in-law's marriage, not yours.

   • Be there to help the bride and groom have the day they wish to have, not the day you think they should have.

   • Even if you are paying for the entire wedding, be sure to consider the other set of parents involved.

   • Respect other people's customs and culture, even if they are radically different from your own.

   • Understand that you don't have to love this stranger who has stolen your child. All we're asking for here is a little respect. Ditto for the other set of parents-in-law and all their relatives.

3. For everyone…

   • Try to have face-to-face meetings from the very start to allow both sets of parents to state their piece and make their demands.

   • Nip problems in the bud. Don't let differences become disagreements become cause for nuclear disarmament.

   • Try not to prejudge, even if you get stuck with some prospective in-laws who got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

   • See your parents-in-law as people, individuals with their own tastes and back stories. Don't just view them as his parents or her folks.

   • Different is not necessarily bad, just different. (Unless it involves hard-boiled eggs, Cool Whip, and a hula hoop. Then it's very bad.) Try to make allowances for differences and to reach compromises.

   • Realize that everyone has an equal stake at making this marriage work. Even if you think that your son-in-law isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Even if you think your daughter-in-law is so dense that light bends around her. You want the kids to be happy.

   • You can be brutally honest with yourself, but don't be so quick to spread that honesty around. Voice your concerns and then sit back. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

   • Be aware that something is going to go wrong. Uncle Fenster will dance with a lampshade on his head (even if he has to bring it with him). Aunt Daisy will get drunk and sing "Moonlight Bay" at the top of her lungs. There's no way around it.

   • Realize that you're tense, frustrated, nerves on edge. You're likely to overreact at least once during the planning or party.

   • Manners were invented to smooth the way over difficult social situations. If at all possible, follow the traditional wedding rules. These strict protocol edicts can help forestall explosions.

   • Keep your sense of humor. If you and your beloved can laugh at some of the absurdity, you'll be able to defuse some of the tension.

   • A little tolerance buys a lot of goodwill.

   • Use common sense.

   • Good luck.